A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am trying to help a friend of mine but need advice please. The woman in question was with her partner for about 14 years and, during that time, he treated her very badly indeed - drinking, being abusive, even hitting her and showing little commitment to her. I know for a fact that he had various "dalliances" with other women during this time. Part of the problem seems to be that, to most people, this guy is a real "sweetheart" - he is high up in his field, and surrounded mainly by people who are hoping that he will help them in some way. He is also very charming and the last person that you would believe could treat a woman so badly. He does, however, have a reputation as a drinker but, in his field, that is not at all unusual.At first I found it hard to believe my friend, but, as time went on, I really knew that she was telling me the truth about him and I even saw various examples of his bad behaviour towards her and, when he was really drunk, towards me and to others.The problem is, I guess, that during this time of being with him she was having a terrible time - really struggling with bringing up kids alone and no family support. She came from a really abusive background but works so incredibly hard and is basically an elegant and intelligent woman who tries really hard to be kind to people. Anyway, around the time that her boyfriend was treating her really badly, her Mum died and she was really struggling with that because her mother had never shown her any love at all and she knew that, once her Mum was gone, there would be no chance of it happening. Also her Mum's death was drawn out over months in which she felt totally helpless and angry about her own impotence to do anything. I didn't know her that well back then but she says that, in a rare night out, she was so very tired of arguing and "fighting" with her boyfriend day in and day out - and just exhausted in general - that she didn't really understand what their relationship meant or whether she was in one or not - they would be literally splitting up every other day, but she always went back to him because she had no-one else around her. Anyway, she was approached by a guy - this was nothing new because she is extremely attractive and she can be flirty but definitely does not 'sleep around' - and found him much more "innocent" than other men. She said she felt that he was not going to hurt her and that, somehow, she felt she could be like a child with him in the times that they met - yes, they started to meet.The thing is, boundaries obviously became blurred - she knew it was more than friendship but also it became clear that the guy in question had real problems, one of which was that he was impotent. So they would simply cuddle and kiss. She told me that this never felt right - that she somehow felt absolutely no connection with him through this physical touching, but just oddly like they were children together, somehow exploring being grown ups, and she found this oddly sexual without their being any sex. I kind of get what she means and I know the guy, so I can imagine this being the case. Meanwhile she hardly ever saw her 'boyfriend'...they split and got back together many times during this period, so many times that she can't remember. Finally though they stayed together and were committed for several years until it ended due to his drinking.Now I know that the situation sounds very bad - and maybe it was,but the thing is that this guy was connected to a lot of people that simply will not let go of what they think happened years ago. My friend is on the receiving end of a lot of jealousy because of how she looks and because people weirdly assume that she has been given what she has - a nice flat and great kids etc - but the reality is that she has worked so hard with no support and is actually very shy with people, especially men. During the time of their "friendship" or affair if you want to call it that, she again helped him so much to get a job and make huge inroads in his career - she is like this with everyone, so kind. Towards the end, however,she started to just "flip" with the stress of it all - she would become really angry with him because he honestly is a very, very frustrating guy to be around - and he began to think she was "mad" but she was just stressed almost out of her mind from giving and giving and being so confused. So she ended whatever this relationship was and nothing like that has ever happened again. I should say that she is now in her forties and she has only ever had 3 boyfriends and is very naive about men. Anyway, these people started to spread very nasty rumours about her that just will not go away and it is now affecting her career - its a situation where everyone knows one another and as soon as she makes any new inroad she is blocked because people are saying that she is a pscyho that flies into rages and that she is not trustworthy at all.The thing is, she is now fully sorted out because she has worked so hard and has changed her circumstances for the better. She has a few good friends who know her really well and she knows that she "messed up" but doesn't know what she can do about these people just not forgiving her for this "affair" with an impotent man whilst her "boyfriend" was treating her like S***As a friend I am not sure how to help her. She has helped me soooooo much with my own problems that I really wish I could take this away for her but I can't. I know that without this thing in her life she would be so much happier. She really is a lovely person who has been through so much pain that it is inconceivable that any one person can have pulled through it all. I think that , back then, she was very lost but because she seems also so capable, people just didn't get what she was going through and that she is much more naive than people gave her credit for.Any suggestions as to how I can help my friend? It really is affecting her future quite badly. Should I just stay out of it and be a good friend to her in other ways? Or should I try to do something more to help?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): Hi Everyone, thanks for helping with the advice I guess I will just keep 'being there' for her and Kazza1992 I really do think that you are right - she has clearly made a mistake and knows it, but I think and hope that people will see past that in the end.
To the anonymous reader/post - You don't say that much, obviously, but I think I see where you are coming from ie. that I am somehow biased towards her? but I've looked at this every which way over the years and what she is saying does 'stack up' - I guess you mean that I am not interested in what the others around her are saying and the "real" reasons for it - but after all this time not one of these people ever questioned WHY she behaved as she did or tried to understand, just enjoyed being hateful and causing suspicion and judgement - I've listened to so much of it over the years and it goes nowhere except into a bad place - no-one deserves to be hated that much for something that happened as a one off years ago - but thanks for answering in any case.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): there are always two sides to every story but you are only interested in one
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): This is very complicated. I don't know how you could help her career. If people are going to bad-mouth her, I don't know how to stop it.Her abusive boyfriend... I know that type. They are snakes in prince's clothes. Oh yes, very real.Really, all I can say is be there for her as a friend. What she needs is people who love and accept her. It doesn't sound like she's had that. You can't do anything to change the other people or their attitudes. :(
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A
female
reader, Kazza1992 +, writes (13 October 2011):
 Hi anonymous 41
This really is a sad story. I feel so much for your friend. The only thing you can do to help her though is just keep on being there to support her. She is obviously a very private lady and if she is as attractive as you say there are always going to be people around ready to put her down because of their own inadequacies. The only thing she can do is simply carry on being a good and kind person. Sincere people will know the truth of her. The ones that dont - well - are they important enough to matter. Believe me, her goodness and kindness will win the day.
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