A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a question that confuses me to the point that I don't know what's going on! Basically, I dated this guy last year and I loved him I've never had that strong feelings for anybody else before, but it ended just before summer and it was an awful break up. He hurt me so much and was reckless, but yet I couldn't bring myself to hate him, feel any anger or anything but just left hurt and stupidly missed him and still loved him. Point is, I've been on dates since and tried to move on but I always had him the back of my mind and always compared the guys to him without knowing. I knew I wanted him and convinced myself nobody else would match or make me feel the same way he did which of course scared me that I would be stuck in that limbo and never move on! I've met some amazing guys who have been perfect and yet I still couldn't get involved because of this. I just missed him so much and always wondered if he still had feelings for me, or even thinks about me still..But then I met this guy over a month ago and we've been dating. He's hilarious, sweet, caring, charming just overall perfect. We've only been out three times but he's made me unbelievably happy since and I've found I hadn't thought about my ex once in this time of knowing him, I don't compare them either. In fact, I've lost interest in what my ex might be up to, who he's with just anything to do with him I feel like I don't care. Instead i'm thinking, he ruined it and I don't care if he does or doesn't feelings for me or misses me, either way he's a bastard and I deserve better. It's unusual, something about this guy has suddenly made my brain click into what a horrible thing my ex did (which all my friends are happy i've finally seen sense of) and any interest or hope for us has completely disappeared. I'm not sure how long this will last, hopefully it's permanent, but I can't understand how this guy has had this effect on me? I find I'm happiest I've been in a long time since i've met him and I want to understand how he's changed this?
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (1 February 2014):
 Excuse me, I'm sorry, I meant transference. Not displacement.
A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (1 February 2014):
 Everything has be already said below. Your were in a phasis of digestion of your old "love story" and the disgestion took some time. During that state (of mind) nothing else could satisfy you appetite, as you didn't recovered it yet totally.Now, it's done. Your appetite is back, you're hungry like the wolf and you have found the cooking that fits it as wished.My advice to you and all: if you want to understand more easily love (it's to say sex for most people) just use the feeding analogy, it works almost perfectly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2014): That's life, that's just how it is. What you are going through is normal. The guys you met previous to this one were great but the timing was wrong. Timing is everything. You still hadn't healed from the pain and shock of the break up and your ex's callousness. You had to go through the motions. Just like when you cut yourself and allow the cut to heal, you can't control the time it will take for the cut to fully heal. And usually the pain stops and the scar goes away without you even realizing it. Same with your heart. When it is broken, you go through the healing process and being healed kinda creeps up on you unbeknownst to you.You like this guy because you were ready to, without realizing it. Anyway it sounds like a great place to be. And its a learning experience to show you that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (31 January 2014):
Basically what happened was that you displaced your feelings from one guy to the next. You took the feelings that you had for your ex and placed them all on this guy. It's pretty normal and most everyone has done it at one point or another. But be careful because this has the potential to really hurt you a lot, as well, because you're putting so much into a guy you hardly know and it may backfire in your face. It feels great now, and that's why people do it after break ups - it helps them forget their ex. But it doesn't always work. just try to keep a level head about things and enjoy this guy without getting carried away.
Good luck. glad you feel much better about your ex.
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