A
male
age
41-50,
*E125
writes:Hi everyone, I have a bit of a unique situation. Some of you may recall it. I've been out of high school for 16 years and one of my former teachers left teaching at the school the year after I graduated to raise her children. I went back to visit her the next year after I graduated a couple of times and she was always nice and great to talk to. We kinda lost touch for about 12 years while I was tied up with getting my career off the ground and on her end raising her children. I got back in touch with her because her kids went to the same HS school I did and I would see her and her husband at an annual event at the school. I think they are both great people and have a great family. Here's my disclaimer: There is no romantic interest here on my part at all and I would hope there is none on her part either as she is over 50, and I'm in my early 30's --- Anyway, she really made a great impact on my life and helped make me what I am today. When I saw her over the summer I asked if she would sign my yearbook and have our picture taken which she graciously did. She put my cell # in her phone so she could send me the picture we took and said "now I can text you." She remembered things we spoke about 15 years ago. I've text her a couple times since that event about relevant matters I thought she needed to know about and because she asked me to keep her posted on the terminal condition of one of my family members. I always initiated the texts. She always replies fairly quickly, even though she has a lot on her plate, sometimes replying with a question back. Now that I had a way to talk to her again, I decided to buy her a small gift to express my gratitude for all she did for me in school. Along with the gift I also wrote her a letter telling her that she was the best teacher I ever knew and why I felt that way. I asked her what the best way to get the gift to her as we live about an hour apart. We decided to meet recently at a school football game I was going to because she said she did not want me to go out of my way.I gave her the gift package with the letter inside. She spent an hour and a half chatting with me and gave me a hug when she arrived and when she left - I did a lot of listening, she did 95% of the talking -- about her family stories, some current events, her opinions on those events, and surprisingly, she told me some things about her personal family life which I thought was interesting in that I felt she was putting a lot of trust in me because it would seem like these were things you wouldn't necessarily tell everyone you talk to. Again, nothing inappropriate, just matters that you probably wouldn't share with most people. This conversation is the first one we've ever had where it felt like there was a different, even more relaxed tone, and very casual. Her husband was not with her but her daughter was for part of the time. The other thing that surprised me was she called me by my first name several times. She never did that in school or in previous conversations. I don't know if there is anything to that in confirming a true friendship, but thought I'd throw it out there. She talked really fast so I had to keep up with what she was saying but I felt at ease around her as I always have and she was very willing to tell me how she felt about the various issues we discussed. I would ask a question, and I would get a 10 min answer. :) The last thing to share is that when we first started texting again, she was somewhat formal in her texts. Now her texts are much less formal in nature, in that she doesn't say hi and then use my name, she just says whatever she wants to say to me. So far she has been very reliable and does what she tells me she is going to do. I find all this interesting, and I had a great time talking/listening to her, but because I've been blown off before by others, I'm just curious what all you good folks make of this? One of the questions in my mind was did she do all this out of a sense of obligation because I bought her a $30 gift, or do you think this is a natural and normal progression of a friendship that is solidifying? This meeting occurred two days ago and I am also wondering if I should expect a reply to my letter of gratitude I wrote to her? I'm not sure what the etiquette is..If I could make one request for anyone who replies. If you could tell me why you think what you do, that would be very helpful for me going forward. Thank you!
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (19 October 2015):
Here’s what I think. Is it a true friendship? Probably, but I wouldn’t assume you’re ever going to be best friends or anything like that. IT’s true in the sense that at the moment, it doesn’t seem as though she wants anything from you or has any less honourable motive in keeping in contact. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll be going to each other’s houses for dinner or anything like that. Indeed, as you have said, you usually initiate the texts. I think teachers can sometimes feel a kind of closeness to their former pupils because, if they were really involved in your education, you could argue that they were a key part of making you the person you are today. They recognise that they’ve been a privileged part of some-one’s success and may feel pride and delight in that person’s success, and of course appreciation when that person, having moved on to a new phase of their life, values what they did enough to want to remain in contact. I have kept in touch with a lot of the teachers that were so important to me. Admittedly I don’t text them or buy them gifts (I did some of them when I left), but when I do meet them at an event or something there is no formality because our relationship has changed. We are now equals. Perhaps this lady is less formal with you because she’s got used to that now. She’s no longer in a position of authority over you so is treating you as an equal. This lack of formality and authority in your relationship probably explains why this evidently chatty woman is more prepared to talk about her personal life with you.
Strangely, incidentally I still won’t call my teachers by their first name even though they would always use their first name in writing to me, because it still feels alien but it’s habit more than anything.
I wish you all the very best.
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