A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Has anyone else had issues with switching back and forth between feeling romantically towards someone and feeling platonically? I broke up with my boyfriend over the summer because over the summer, we're long distance and that's hard, and I felt like the time away caused my feelings to fade. But now we're back in college, and seeing him is stirring things up again, and I kinda pulled a stupid and let him kiss me at karaoke last night. We're both still hung up on the relationship, but neither one of us wants to get hurt again, but we just can't seem to let it go. Neither of us want a casual fling either.I'm so very, very scared, because even before we started dating, my feelings towards him were back and forth, and when he kisses me, it feels nice, but I thought kisses with someone you really care about were supposed to be kind of exhilarating, and...they're not. Just...mildly pleasant. I'm also scared because before this guy, I was forcing myself to stay in a bad relationship where I felt pressured and uncomfortable and stressed all the time. I don't want to put myself in a situation like that ever again.I'm also planning on moving to Canada in a few years, and this is going to be this guy's last year of college, and...how can you go into a relationship with both of your futures being so uncertain?I just know that I feel happy and comfortable and safe around him, and we have a lot in common, but...I don't know why my feelings towards him keep switching back and forth between romantic and just seeing him as a good friend. Has anyone else ever had this issue? If so, what do I do about it? How do I make a decision and stick to it? I'm sick of my emotions constantly jerking me around like this, and I know it's unfair to keep jerking him around as well. I just don't know what to do anymore...
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2016): What does love feel like? If you feel it, you know it.
Here's some advice you'll find to be true over time. People have a lot of notions taken from Hollywood, novels, and soap operas. If it doesn't look like that, they just assume they haven't found it.
When you really love people in a romantic-sense, you want the best for them. You trust them, and do everything you can to earn and keep their trust. You workout difficult problems together. You care about each others feelings.
You'll sacrifice for them, and you feel it when they reciprocate what you give them. If you are the only one giving, that is infatuation. When they are the only one giving, you are selfish. You'll save some love for yourself; so you remain lovable enough for them to want to stay with you for a long time. You fight and you make up.
You both try to be fair and mature about your feelings; but you allow nature to take it's course. You control your insecurities and tame your temper to show you are worth their effort. You expect no less or more in return for what you give. If they love you, they'll show it more than say it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all, you've been giving me great advice. I do have one more question for you. Well, two.What does love feel like? What does kissing someone you love feel like? I'm not going so far as to say I'm in love with this guy, it's just that, in the past few days, I've begun feeling like I COULD fall in love with him in the future. I still don't know what the hell is going on with my emotions right now, but I just know that I still always want to be around him, and when I am, I have this deep feeling of comfort and happiness, even with all the drama and uncertainty. And he's such a sweetheart, and has been incredibly patient and understanding throughout this whole ordeal, and keeps saying that we don't have to be anything more than friends if that's too scary, he just wants to still be able to spend time with me.I've also been hit on by two good looking and charming, interesting guys in the past couple days, and while I saw their potential, I really wasn't interested in them romantically, which is unusual for me.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (3 September 2016):
 It seems clear that your feelings are enough to continue seeing if there is something there. But not enough to make or change any future plans.
It is important to understand that there is no pressure to make a decision immediately. Perhaps the best course of action is to just spend time together, if possible. If you find yourself growing tired of each other rather quickly, then you have your answer. If, on the other hand, you find that spending time together increases your feelings, then it might be worth pursuing.
Men tend to be rather straightforward in making these kind of determinations, whereas women can take more time to decide.
Right now you have the opportunity to figure this out, so I suggest you plan some things together, and see what happens. You won't have any answers staying at arm's length.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2016): From what you explain you adjusted your feelings to deal with his absence. This is how people cope when someone close has to distance themselves. Your mind just got used to him not being around. Now you are reacquainting yourself with the fact he's back; and you were feeling pretty independent there for awhile. It's not bad, you're just overthinking it a bit.
We have a coping mechanism that allows us to continue to function when loved-ones are gone. It can adjust for short periods or extend for long periods. It just doesn't last indefinitely. It kicks-in and keeps us going when we know they will definitely return. It doesn't seem to work as well for relationships that aren't well-established. You could just give-up altogether. I think that's what you're afraid of. Don't worry. At your age, that's normal.
Long-distance relationships that weren't solid and well-established suffer over the time and distance. That's why I don't recommend them. Unless you're married or engaged, or know for absolutely certain you will be together and were only separated by emergency, call to duty, work, or continued education. These are reasonable reasons to wait. If you met someone online. No way! I don't care what anybody says in rebuttal. We get far too many posts from agonizing individuals stuck in such relationships.
I wouldn't worry about feeling platonic; you shouldn't be so hung-up on some guy, miles away, that you find yourself spending your whole summer pining away. You should miss him, but you also decided to wait. You just have to get warmed-up again. Don't rush. Perhaps you don't feel the way you used to. Let time decide. If the feelings don't return, be honest and let him know. Don't force yourself.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 September 2016):
 I think long distance is difficult anyway so that is probably why your feelings where so up and down, you decided to break up and you where getting over him in the summer, now you see him old feelings are going to return. I understand you both have different future's but none of us really know what is going to happen therefore I would say if you like him take a chance on him. You have nothing to lose. If he treats you well then go for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2016): Thats the thing with feelings. They are fleeting, but its better to have any feelings than none. Opposite of love isnt hate, its actually indifference. Its okay to not know exactly how you feel because feelings come and go. Thats why when we watch movies, we can experience sadness and happiness and even anger, all within 2 hours of a film. Dont try to figure it all out, you cant and you wont, just enjoy the ride and know that the beauty of life is being able to experience all of this. Anyways, to answer you,If you care for him, express your feelings. Tell him how you feel. But also since you know you are leaving, its best to not have a long distance relationship. Youll be moving and its better to date in your new city and see how that goes. Unless you feel like your ex is your true love, then make it happen. But due to fluid feelings I say tell him you care, maybe even date again, but at end of the day, make sure you take care of yourself first. Some long distance relationship do work. Some are magical. But sometimes being accessible is part of falling in love. Relax and just live in moment but do so with integrity! good luck.
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