A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am recently divorced. I'm not ready to get into a relationship, I still have anger over my wife's decision to divorce me. So I've been looking for something that seems somewhat popular these days, a friend with benefits. I've been looking and asking single females I know, posting on dating sites and have gotten no where except with a married woman I want nothing to do with who answered from a dating site. I have a couple of people I know both men and women that have this going on. I'm not bad looking, I have a home, I have money, I'm respectful and fun. I just don't get it, why I can't find a woman interested. One of my female friends is single, never married ugly fat and turned me down. I asked her and she just laughed at me. Of all people I know I thought she would enjoy sex once in a while, she made me feel like a fool. I'm not looking for 1 night stands with women, I want 1 single woman who would enjoy a casual sexual friendship and it's not happening in 2 years, what am I doing wrong?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 November 2014):
 The problem you have is that you're not seductive. You can not set up a friend with benefits like it's a business deal. You need to seduce and intrigue and be charming, just like when you want a relationship with a woman. Except you will be up front about wanting something casual, and a relationship. Even so, I do not think a friend with benefits is quite what you seek. You want a mistress, or a lover as I call it. You want just one person for casual hook-ups, you're not interested in several women for casual hook-ups. So it'd be fair to say you still want monogamy, just not an official, romantic relationship with all the obligations.
I would change your add on the sites, or simply remove it. Or just hint at what you want in those ads. Because really, men are sexually more liberated than women, and there will always be tons of guys offering themselves up for sex, so you are competing with entire nations of men on those sites. I wouldn't hang my hopes on those. But rather, if I were you, I would seek out women in real life. Chat them up and seduce them, just like you would if a committed relationship was what you were after. The seduction and intrigue still needs to be there, for any woman to find it appealing. If plain old dick is what she wanted, and nothing else, she could go buy a dildo. Know what I mean? You need to offer some intrigue and seduction, and I would guess that the more interesting you are as a person, the more charming you play yourself off to be, the more women you will have to choose from.
Remember, when looking for something casual, you can play yourself off to be as charming as you want, because you will not have to follow it up with years of "proving" that you're a great guy. You will just have to convince them the few times you see them, and the rest of the time you can go back to being whomever you truly are. Just that when you speak to women, impress them... It'll do the trick. They will not care if it is true or not, they just want part of that fantasy and intrigue.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2014): I could find a dozen other threads on Dearcupid where female Aunts are explaining to confused female questioners that FWBs are usually not really good "friends". FWBs are commonly described more like friendly acquaintances who remain in contact to have sex.Attractive or not, women have it much easier getting FWBs for the same reason why prostitutes are mostly women and men are usually the ones paying for it. Women are more the gatekeepers of sex. They have their pick of partners compared to men on average. Dating, casual sex, FWBs, the label on the relationship does not change the way things work in real life. Men wanting to get laid need to be sexy and on their game. Women just need to be available and not demand a commitment.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 November 2014):
 I'm betting your "single fat ugly" female friend is having sex way more than you.
When i was obese I was never wanting for partnership or attention... but I always found it amazing that men in general assume that fat chicks will bone anything.
Nope sorry... we are so far from desperate it's not funny.
Hence your derp looking face.
FWB is different from a fuck buddy or a hooker which appears to be what you need and want.
FRIENDS with benefits means you have someone you care about and want to be with who is also not interested in a romantic serious relationship.. but it doesn't mean you don't go out and have dinner, or go to movies or spend time together.
and when it happens... it happens.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2014): Probably because to get one you're meant to go on a date with someone and have chemistry, kiss and then when it's clear there's still chemistry there say, not on your date! but after a while'i'm not looking for anything serious at the moment' to which they reply either me too [then you're in] or i'm looking for something serious.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 November 2014):
 What are you doing wrong?
YOU are making assumptions about others. Like you "fat, unmarried ugly friend" must be desperate for sex.... Wow. Nice attitude bro, maybe THAT is why you can't find someone?
My BIL joined a dating site and have had more FWB "relationships" these past two years then actual relationships - poor dude is ACTUALLY looking for a REAL relationship, not some semi casual friendly F-buddy. He just can't seem to find that.
So my advice, join a dating site and BE HONEST about what you are looking for. BET you, there are women out there who are wanting the same.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2014): So you think a woman who you deem fat and ugly who has never married should be grateful that you offer her sex and nothing else? She is your friend and now I'm sure she is rethinking her friendship with you and her opinion of you as well. Most women with self esteem and who are good people do not want a fwb relationship and will never have one, that is why you're not getting anywhere except with the married woman who is just looking for sex with no committment.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2014): There is no socially acceptable way to do this. You have to take chances any way you can. If the woman agrees then you did it right. If the woman refuses then you were being an insensitive jerk. If you get shot down then women are going to tell you that you approached it wrong no matter what you did. If you succeed then women are going to tell you that you did it right, even though they would be bashing you for doing exactly the same thing if it had not worked.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (9 November 2014):
 You have to nurture the friendship before you have the benefits and even then the latter is not guaranteed.
I'd wager you're a bit too hungry for the sex which leaves others with the impression you're just looking for a hook up.
Then again, maybe that's precisely what you want and you just haven't admitted that to yourself yet.
Friendships take time to cultivate and friendships with additional expected benefits can be tricky. You're too eager and focussed on the sex part.
And please don't assume that physically unattractive women are all desperate and should be grateful for your offer. Everyone is allowed to have standards and preferences.
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