A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How does one deal with a commitmentphobe? I know that he more than likes me. He has proven it on many occasions over the past year. He just freaked when I mentioned the word relationship. He is still around writing, calling, caring. He took abuse from me when I thought he was leading me on, he is still here through my anger, through my silent treatment, through shouting matches, through everything. He once saved my life. He has a troubled past with betrayal. I know he wants me and I want him too. How do I fix this? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlol. Reading back I see I wasn't clear enough :-) I appreciated your advice first time around odds. It is sound advice and I don't need anything sugar coated. I just wish I hadn't said the "r" word. But then again as anonymous said sex is a big deal to me and I wanted to be clear. As soon as I said that he got dressed and left, so he didn't get into my pants even though he could and he spent a year trying. I was furious and haven't been nice to him at all since as one should never mess with friends and we were really close for so long but guess what, he is still here trying to get me to speak with him again and whenever he sees me he is soooo nervous. It is ridiculous.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): I can't help but laugh at what you've shared, because in so many ways it parallels the relationship My Only Love and I held. I am You and Your Significant other is Him.
Our relationship was without one doubt, OFF THE HOOK FROM DAY ONE..strangest experience I had ever lived and up to this very moment it renders me longing for more as Our chemistry was intense...so much so that We started having left hook, upper-cut, slam-dunk, heel stomps from 'Hello.' Was it fun? Hell NO! Is that what I want in a relationship? Hell No!..BUT..It never kept me away..BECAUSE..I love ***ALL*** of him.
Now...I need some serious schooling here: What is the difference between dating someone and being in a relationship with someone, if at all there is a difference..AND..if there is a difference are you suppose to be intimate and if yes to what extent? Is it so wrong for me to not want just anyone to be test driven before purchased? I guess with the person whom I am referring to here, I had finally come to want only for him to share what is sacred to me and I was raised not to do so unless the taker of me was of the royalest character...but his response devastated me, as he knew personally how important this matter was to me.
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A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (29 October 2010):
 Confusing, yeah. That's almost the opposite of what you wrote the first time. If it was just that you wrote too quickly, I understand.
If he's been trying to get inot your pants for a full year, he probably really does like you, and is just afraid you'll break his heart. Either way, the original advice still stands - be worthy of commitment. Even if it doesn't pay off here, it'll pay off in the rest of your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. I wasn't after the label anyway. It's the content I was interested in. I never bullied him into anything at all. He was the one pursuing me for almost a year until sex became an issue and I said I only sleep with people I am in a relationship with. That's when he freaked and bolted so I was angry because he led me on. But as I said he is still around and I see that he cares. Confusing heh?
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (28 October 2010):
 Just don't put a label on it. He obviously cares about you and it seems like you guys are unofficially in a relationship already... maybe just don't use that word for a while?
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (28 October 2010):
Today's world doesn't really reward guys for commiting too much, and you say he's been betrayed in the past. Guys like that are understandably slow to commit, but ultimately are much more likely to stand by those they make.
It's not a phobia, it's common sense - he won't make a promise he doesn't intend to keep, or one he thinks someone else will break.
Moreover, it is going to be extremely difficult for him to get over your past behavior. I'm sure you realize now that you can't bully a guy into a relationship, but he's not going to immediately believe you if you apologize and say it was a mistake.
What's more important is that you stop seeing commitment as a goal, a problem to be fixed, and start seeing it as something *you* should aspire to. In other words, be worthy of commitment. Stop thinking of it as his problem. What do you have to offer? What downsides are there to being with you? Can you maximize the first category, and minimize the second? Is there anything you are *not* willing or able to do for him which he may desire? (I'm assuming that you think he's already worth your commitment, so I'm not addresing him in this post)
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