A
female
age
30-35,
*oldfeather
writes:In the beginning of our relationship things were great. A few things came up that caught me off guard, like the fact that he took both of his best (female) friend's virginity, although there was no romantic feelings involved. He also had never been in a serious relationship before. A few months into our relationship he admitted to me that he doesn't have romantic feelings for me, but cares about me immensely and doesn't want any aspect of our relationship to change. This was hard to accept because he treated me like a typical boyfriend would treat their girlfriend and didn't want anything to change beside the fact that we were "dating." He claims that he thinks he is incapable of having them and realistically never wants to be in that type of relationship. I settled for it. It was hard, and I now regret it. However in the few months that we maintained this he became more and more distant but still insisted that I should rely on him for emotional support and wanted to spend time with me. Eventually he told me that all of a sudden he realized that he no longer cares for me, and does not like me in anyway at all. (There is not another woman in the picture, by the way) After that discussion I left and have not seen him since. I spoke to him only once after and he was very hostile and rude. So, Agony Aunts, how does a person simply stop caring about another person despite insisting on having them in their life and showing extremely passionate feelings towards them? I am very confused and hurt. Devastated, really.Any replies would be much appreciated. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2015): He's immature and just wants the milk without buying the cow. Possibly sex, or at least someone he can make-out with.
If you're a virgin holding-out; he's pressuring you by being passive-aggressive. Playing hot and cold, to scare you and steal your cherry. Cheap player tactics. It keeps you worrying if he'll go find another girl.
If he was getting sex, he was happy as long as that was on the table. He wants to be free to chase any skirt that strikes his fancy and gives him wood.
You may not be dating guys for the right reasons, and you may yourself have unrealistic expectations. You're young and inexperienced; and if you're not close to your dad, or come from a divorced-family since you were very young. You have no real male role-model to set any standards for you to go by. If you and your dad are close, what you came to us for; is where you should have taken your question. I didn't see a lot of answers to your question. So I took time to help you.
He's just a bad choice, and you're too in-love with being in-love. It all works out in the end. Young-love is supposed to be as you've described your relationship. Sort of hard to put your finger on. That's because he doesn't have a clue, and he probably doesn't have a father-figure or good male role-model either. Young relationships are experimental and you'll learn through trial and error. These trial-relationships have short shelf-lives, and are sometimes over as fast as they start. They may linger, but not without a lot of complications. Usually the girl is holding-on and trying to make it work. The guy just hopes the sex keeps coming his way. They breakup like you did. He only wants her back; when some other guy comes along who treats her better, and he sees how happy she is. He'll put on the "sad-puppy routine" to drive a wedge between you and the next guy. The old "ex wants you back routine." Wait and see. Don't fall for it. He'll tell you he always loved you.
Why tell you once you've found someone better? To confuse you and play on your emotions. Player tactics.
Continue to date different guys; but keep it mostly for fun, and to figure-out what kind of guy seems right for you.
Hold back sex until you see a guy can reciprocate feelings for you. If you give him sex, and he stops showing any feelings or affection. Dump him! Technically by that time, he has mentally dumped you! There is usually another girl waiting in the background. Or was there the whole time.
This only applies to players and knuckleheads. Not all boys or men. Remember, some have better role-models and know better.
He didn't stop caring for you. He just doesn't have the same concept or perception of love, and what it feels like as you do. He is attracted to you, sexually. He thinks you're pretty, but he's more driven by his hormones than his emotions.
You're a girl and he's a boy, simplest chemistry there is. He just hasn't matured enough to attach his emotions or feelings yet. That takes time, practice, and maturity. Some folks are in their 40's, and still haven't matured to that degree.
Girls are always light-years ahead of boys when it comes to emotions and feelings. Guys discover their sexual-urges long before they learn there should also be emotional connections included in the exchange. Girls are taught by their mothers (most families have at least one parent; that's usually a mom), who teaches them it is okay to show her feelings and seek love. Boys need good men in their lives; but some dads are just sperm-donors and troglodytes that drink beer. They don't treat their mothers right either. All they teach their sons is to play ball and treat girls like blow-up dolls.
Guys like your boyfriend often learn most of their stuff in the locker-room, in the basement with a dirty magazine, or online porn. Dads are so rarely active in their son's lives these days; or are kicked-out before he even reaches puberty. They see each other only between his dad's new girlfriends or holidays. Short guilty visits. What can a guy learn if he has no man of character in his life? We give team sports a big applause. Hoping that builds character. Coaches are not like real dads, some try to be. It's not the same. They are male role-models; but not the best. They just teach guys how to exploit their strength and testosterone.
You'll learn from guys like your... whatever you want to call him. He's just a boy, not a man. So don't expect movie star love scenes with him. He's too confused and full of hormones to make any sense. You're a young female, and have a slight advantage over him. Nature made girls more psychologically-developed and mature than guys at your age.
I hope I've helped, my dear!
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 May 2015):
 I think the conflict he has is that he's not into relationships, but he hates the guilty feeling that he's using women for his own ends. For you to stay is just to assuage that uneasy feeling, until he can't stand the pretense anymore. It's not that he stopped caring. He just never cared before.
I don't know what the extremely passionate feelings are about. Maybe it's an act or maybe feeling grateful that someone could save him from periods of sexual drought. Or he cares so much about the facade of a relationship because that's better than the guilt that kills him inside.
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