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female
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anonymous
writes: How do you tell how serious a guy is about you or even if he is? How can you tell if he just wants to use you for sex or that his feelings go deeper? Been going out with this guy (nearly 23) for 2 weeks. Although he doesn’t know this yet, I have been in love with him for a while and I want to believe he feels the same way before we make love. Weirdly, he talks about sex with me tons but it is always him, thankfully, that stops us going too far physically which really really confuses me. My body says yes but my head says no to it at the moment and I think it is the same for him too.I would go as far as to say this guy could be ‘the one’. However, his communciation style isn’t very good (he has a learning difficulty which could cause this); he can be very impersonal. He told me the other day he wanted ‘ a girl he could make love to’. He means me (I think!) but the way he phrased it sounded like he wasn’t bothered who the girl was as long as he could have sex. (I am a very sensitive person so pick up and analyse everything people say!!). If he had said ‘I would like to make love to YOU’ that would have been a whole different story. Likewise, he said to a friend ‘I have some people to take home’ meaning me and his Mum, but again it sounded impersonal. To me, it sounds like I don’t mean anything to him.I am very conscious of the fact that he came out of a long term relationship only 3 months ago so I am very cautious; I don’t want to be his rebound girl. He has been very sweet and lovely and says he wants to take things slow too but sometimes I feel that now he has me as his girlfriend he is not making the effort somehow but I couldn’t tell you in what way. His talk now seems sex driven and not as romantic as when we were friends.Despite this I have such a good time when I am with him but it is bizarre that sometimes I don’t feel like his girlfriend. I guess it depends what we are used to; I like the stability of knowing when i am going to see my boyfriend again and with my ex we spoke on the phone every night - yet with my current boyfriend I get paranoid when I don’t hear from him in a day that maybe he doesn’t want to see me anymore but then he messages me and I think I was worrying for nothing. (He did say before we got together that his next gf would have to realise she may not see him for up to 5 days and he did say that if he wanted to split up with me he would tell me and not just leave me hanging). He has started to set more concrete dates in Oct and Nov with me so I am figuring that he is treating me more seriously. Last night we went out with his Mum and some of his friends. His parents don’t know we have got together yet (because he wants to see how long it will take his Mum to suss us out). He says his parents have been trying to get us together for a while so he wants to see how long it takes them to work it out. It bothers me that he very rarely holds my hand in public (he said he had no problems being affectionate to his ex in public) and in fact last night he even walked really far ahead of us so he didn’t even walk with me. There was also one young, pretty girl in our group who was flirting with my boyfriend BIG STYLE! She was standing really close to him, looking him in the eyes, smiling and laughing all the time. They were comparing mobile phones and he was showing her jokes on his mobile and yet he has never shared these with me! I have never been bothered by things like this before but I was abit by this; to an outsider they would have thought him and this girl were together because I was left talking to his Mum. However, I couldn’t say anything because of this charade!!! In his defence though he wasn’t flirting back, just talking to her. At the end of the evening he walked me back to my house (out of view of his Mum) and gave me a cuddle and a kiss. He apologised for ignoring me (he always seems to know when he’s annoyed me but I don’t know how because I don’t act any differently toward him.) So I am thinking if he knows he may have annoyed me why does he continue to do it? Although this behaviour is part of the charade I can’t help thinking that maybe he is embarrassed by me so doesn’t want anyone to know about us or he’s treating me as his secret bit on the side. See my mind runs riot!!!I know he was very deeply hurt by his ex (she lied and cheated on him) and I think it is still raw. He told me to bear with him if he gets freaked out because he has never been treated well by a girl before so I wonder if he is keeping me at arms length emotionally because he fears that I am going to hurt him like the rest of them. This is by far the most confusing relationship I have ever been in!!!! Help!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2006): I think the fact that he is with you means that he is into you, but taking things a bit slow probably because he thinks you need time to get to know each other even better before becoming lovers....if he does not set concrete dates, you do it, take the initiative and set a place and a time for him and even an activity. I think a lot of men are not comfortable being the social director in a relationship and hope their girl will take the lead on that...also, show him lots of affection, touch him on the arm and knee alot, brush his hair and the like, he'll get the idea...good luck.
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female
reader, Toria +, writes (28 September 2006):
 For starters you've only been together 2 weeks, in 2 weeks people worry about being too full on or not showing enough to keep the other person interested etc, like you said he is just out of a relationship that he was hurt deeply by so you really need to give him the speed and space that he is craving.
Pushing things too much may push him away and I get that you really don't want to do that.
I would just start trying to enjoy the time you spend with him and see how things go as the time goes on and you've been with him abit longer to be able to say something to him, he may just be taking things easy and building up a barrier while he gets to trust you more.
Good luck :o)
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