A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm at a stage where I don't think I know how to sustain a relationship.I've been too busy with school and college before to pursue relationships, and when I did finally start 'dating' none of my dates turned into actual relationships.Right now I've been dating a guy for about 3 months. Things are going good, we see each other two/three times a week and he calls me on the days we don't go out. He's taken me to meet his parents and I will be meeting his friends this weekend.This may sound stupid but I don't know what to do now/how to behave. I'm quite 'experienced' in the early stages of dating when I'm still not sure if things are going anywhere, but now that I'm at this point I'm not sure what applies.He has told me that we're past that 'dating' stage and he then said he'd like me to be his girlfriend. I understand that now we're more 'settled in' and he won't be pursuing me as such. I however get a little insecure when he wants time on his own and with his friends. I know that he needs his own space and his own life (so do I) but I can't help feeling insecure. I don't want to become clingy and possessive because I know that would kill any relationship.I suppose I want to know how to sustain a relationship once you're past the dating/pursuit stage and the guy considers you his girlfriend?
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female
reader, AngellicaWaters  +, writes (30 October 2009):
 It seems that you have just 'fallen' into this relationship. A relationship should be something you make a conscious choice to have, based upon your mutual compatibility and attraction to one another physically, mentally and emotionally.
What this means is that you need to discuss all of your values and present and future goals. If they are similar enough, a relationship could work, but until you know these things, hold off on being exclusive.
If you do have many similar values and goals, then it's time to make relationship agreements. You will need to make less agreements in the beginning of a relationship but more as things become more serious. Right now appropriate agreements to make would be how much together and separate time each of you needs (this is another compatibility factor). For example: If he is someone who needs a lot of independent time and you need less, you may not be compatible enough. Or you will be the one always begging for his attention when he's giving it to his friends. Another agreement to make is what each of you consider cheating, this is very important to establish at the beginning of any relationship. If you are both not in agreement here, future issues will absolutely arise. For example: if he is friends with one of his ex-girlfriends and she kisses him casually on the lips and he claims it was just a friendly kiss with no meaning. It might not be something acceptable to you. You may wish to clearly define with one another what contact is appropriate with others.
These sort of things are vital in establishing compatibility and harmony in relationships. There is a formula to having a successful relationship, most people learn by trial and a lot of error. You are lucky, because I have done a lot of that and I have observed a lot of it too, so I know the relationship formula very well.
I hope this helps you and things work out great and if they don't with this guy, these are good things to keep in mind for the future, so that you get exactly what you are looking for!
-Angellica Waters
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): http://www.monkeysee.com/play/3907-how-can-my-partner-and-i-sustain-a-loving-relationship
Here is a website that I found that has some videos on this topic of sustaining a relationship, it will answer your question a little more generally and instructionally than I did...take a look and give the video time to load, the site is a bit slow to load for me anyway.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): Well you know that is a two way situation, he needs to sustain it as well.If you are concerned about him going out with friends ask him to do some things to help you build your trust in him, figure out what those things need to be for you.Would it help if you met these friends, if he called you once or twice that evening, if he told you what time he would be home and stuck to that? IF you aren't the kind of girl who does well with your boyfriend hanging out with female friends without you, then tell him so, that is you, you don't have to change that about yourself in order not to be called insecure. You want exclusivity and that is what it means, he doesn't see other females, period. Trust is earned.I mean you have to have some security in knowing that he won't cheat on you, but I don't think you guys are at that stage in the game either. Otherwise you wouldn't have to ask him, you would just know he was in love with you.Possibly he isn't in love yet but thinks he may very well be on his way. So that will remain to be seen.The idea is to be true to yourself, be your real self, set some personal boundaries with the guy and set them early, let him rise up to meet your standards. If he can't or won't then he isn't the man for you.
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