A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I am married to a man that I have happily been a relationship for almost nine years. We are extremely compatible, both make each other stronger and have a very high level of trust in our relationship. Three weeks ago I cheated on him, for the first time since our relationship started, with an ex that I had not been in contact with for 10 years whilst I was on an out of country trip. You could say the cheating was premeditated as I contacted this ex prior to making my trip to see if he would be interested in meeting up, and did not inform my husband of this – one of the few things I have ever hidden from him.I was only 20 when I met my husband and had only had sexual relations with two other men. Throughout our relationship I have had periods of wondering about what it would be like to be with more men, but for various reasons I never acted on these wonderings. As our relationship moved into a comfortable stage, as do all relationship with time, I started also to long for the thrill of flirtation and discovery in the initial stages of a relationship. I had often wondered about my ex, as our relationship had ended abruptly before we could really get to know each other and in our brief time together we never actually had sex. When I met him for dinner, I discovered I liked him and had circumstances been different we might actually have made a good couple. I decided to sleep with him, partly to “finish unfinished business”, partly to satisfy my curiosity of what it is like to be with other men after nine years of not even having kissed someone other than my husband. I thought that I would be able to sleep with my ex and move on, and in fact I asked him not to try and contact me after we slept together. Moving on however is being more difficult than I imagined – I have thought about him almost obsessively for the past three weeks, not just our physical encounter, but also what a relationship with him could have been like, if he is thinking of me, things I would like to find out about him, if and how I could continue to see him (we do live in different countries).I have not thought of telling my husband about what happened because I know it would create a great rift in our relationship, as infidelity is unacceptable for him (I could have accepted discrete and respectful infidelity in our relationship, but not my husband). I am happy with my husband and absolutely do not want to jeopardise our relationship. But at the same time I find myself strongly attracted to this other man and unable to get him off my mind. Is there any advice on how to forget this other man so that I can focus on my marriage and not do something stupid to jeopardise it? And how can I reduce the risk that I will be tempted to “test” other men in the future, to test the grass on the other side?
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different countries, flirt, infidelity, move on, moved in, my ex, period Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2009): i believe out of respect for your husband you should tell him, you dont deserve for him to be thinking you are an amazing loyal trustworthy wife when your not. Its just not fair to him, so you should deal with the consequences of your actions. So then you let your husband decide what to do whether he wants to keep you or not as he is the one who will be hurt most. If he drops you then you know you can run away and find your ex and fulfill your fantasy, and he can as quirk said find someone who loves him.
A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (5 July 2009):
 In your letter you claim to have a high level of trust with your husband, but you cheat on him with an ex and nowhere in your letter do I see any remorse or any claims of love. Honestly your description sounds like a close friendship than a marriage. Where is the love? Have you considered how your husband would feel if he found out he was betrayed by the woman he loves? Have you considered that you took a vow to forsake all others?
This was not a business transaction. This was not a simple no muss, no fuss, no feelings deal, as you have found out. Now you have to deal with the fact that you're not as happy with your husband as you thought you were.
I think that you should definitely tell your husband. He deserves to know the truth. To hide this from him violates the so-called high level of trust you have. And then, I hope he leaves and finds someone who LOVES him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2009): Marriage is between two people. There is cause and effect to everything we do. When you choose one path, you give up another. When you make the decision to be labeled as "wife" and/or "mother", then you fill that role and responsibility until you are no longer a "wife" and/or a "mother".
All things, all choices are founded on will-power. Fueling that will-power are things like convictions, influences and emotions. Since you already know that your husband does not accept what you have done and potentially will be doing, then the choice to not continue with sexual exploration with other men comes down to will-power.
"Temptation" is controlled by will-power, to be reminded of what you have and what you're not willing to lose. No doubt, you desire more than what you have now, though what you have now greatly outweighs your possibility to let go of the marriage.
Key factor: Personal responsibility. You can continue to hide your urges and sexual exploration from your husband, but aside from already have cheated, would you consider continuing unethical choices or will you draw up some will-power and stop what you feel would destroy the marriage?
Cause and effect Scenario 1: you married young and you receive a wonderful man but the lost of opportunity to explore others. Now you 'regret' it. Then you cheated and now asking for advice on how to draw up your will-power and follow through with convictions.
Cause and effect Scenario 2: you never married a wonderful man, had lots of opportunities, possibly met a man, possibly had a nice relationship, possibly had an abusive relationship, possibly won the lottery, possibly lost your entire fortune, possibly had lots of wonderful children, possibly had a very troublesome child, possibly became a charity runner, possibly became involved with the mafia...
"To test the grass on the other side" is a "what if".
Are you willing to bet and risk your wonderful life with a wonderful man to "what ifs"?
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