A
female
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anonymous
writes:How do you get over caring about what an abusive ex thinks of you? How do you get over the feeling that you're a loser because your ex treated you so bad, used you and then dumped you because you had nothing of value to them left?? How do you stop feeling like your worthless and that if you weren't good enough for your ex then you must be no good for anyone else?These are all thoughts ahd quesitons i have since my ex b/f broke up with me. It's hard to get over him because everyone thinks he is this brillient, loving, funny, charming, strictly religious guy who only wants to please everyone. They put him up on a pedastal and so do i, which i know is weird considering i know the bad parts to him. I feel like people must look at me and think that i wasn't good enough for him. What bothers me more is what he thinks of me still!!! This is frustrating because we are broken up now but i still care what he thinks, i'm still trying to be the perfect person of who he wanted me to be. I'm still trying to make the changes he wanted me to make, in hoping this would impress him. I know it's crazy...but i dont know how to stop. please help!!! I feel like he's still controlling my life even tho' he's not physicaly in it anymore...he is in my head though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): Wow! This is a great question. I've been so blindly in love with my ex, that I just couldn't see what was going on. You have just describe exactly what my ex-partner was like. Boy I'm trembling as I remember that last time he left me. Me, standing, crying and trembling, trying to clean the kitchen perfectly. Him, standing over me, criticising and pointing out the flaws. Not helping me, but demanding and criticising.
Even now that I'm living with someone else (very causually, a great relationship) he can still demand access to the home we once shared. I've been trying to understand why he does it, but nobody could explain to me what was going on.
Thank you to the person in the first post, whoever you are. I think you are God. You've just answered all my questions. I Love him still, but he's not God, who cares what he thinks. I'm in control of my life, and nobody else.
Thanks everyone, the suns shining, I'm spring cleaning. I'm off to build a bonfire and burn some pictures.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): You're ex couldn't have been worth much if he couldn't see the value in what he had with you.
It's all about you and how you see yourself. If people think you're not good enough a lot of the time it's because you're better than them.
Sometimes all u need is to understand that they're going through something and are trying to project that pain on you.
Work on yourself...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): Some people get a kick out of controlling others. In particular some people love the power of being able to make others feel miserable. He's obviously one of those, and unfortunately there are far too many who do it under the guise of some strict religious belief or other. Don't be fooled. It's not religion he has; it's quite the opposite.
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A
female
reader, sweetheart03  +, writes (13 May 2008):
Girl don't think your not good enough!there is someone else out there for you. I'm going through the same thing but I know I can get better and I'm looking forward to that now!!!!! So rememeber its his lost!! You will gain with someone else that won't use you and will treat you like a queen! And u will look back at him like what was I crying over!!!just stay strong and read books! Try don't call that man!!! It helped me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): Hi Hunny
You can get you back as Ive done it, Sweetheart not one single person in this world has the right to tell you to change and be perfect, As that is completely stupid as if this person wants you to be so perfect then they are trying to turn you into there idea of perfection and as not one person on this earth is perfect how can that be true...CONTROL! Thats what it all comes down to complete and utter control and why, Because he was so out of control that he had to have everything in his life to his standards of what in his world mean perfect.
You have done nothing wrong at all, Mostly the abuser from the outside worlds point of view will come across perfect and charming OH! MY EX COULD HAVE CHARMED THE BIRDS FROM THE TREES! But behind closed doors he would think nothing of yelling punching and mentally abusing me untill my head was so battered I didnt know who or were I was, And the thing is it creeps up on you slowly, They are not at all like this to start with butter would'nt melt and to go out of there way to be so nice that you get comfortable and safe then bang, The first put down then another. First you brush it off to them maybe having a bad day but still your instincts do tell you something is not right, Untill it creeps up and then the first slap comes then a punch then the tears and how it will never happen again...Its a patteren and one that over amount of time wears you down makes you feel weak...BUT YOUR NOT HUNNY! YOUR THE STRONG ONE HE IS THE WEAK ONE! He wouldnt need so much control and perfection if he was happy WITH HIMSELF! NOT YOU! You can heal from this and you can learn and grow from this and it doesnt matter what others say you no the truth, And he wont change someone else will come along and he will want to change them..My ex wanted me to leave my children as he had to many problems and wanted just me and I wouldnt go, Oh I got punished untill he went to far, I did get rid of him and I did get no end of abusive phone calls and all sorts of harassment..Even with police help and court help he wouldnt stop, But I got stronger and he got weaker found someone else who did leave her four beautiful children...CONTROL! Start living your life to make you happy dont think of what others say think or feel it has nothing to do with them at all. You are protecting yourself getting yourself well..DONT LET HIM WIN! You have your own heart and soul and can be who you want to be..
http://www.womensselfesteem.com/index.html
This link will help hunny, One day at a time and do it for you, TAKE CARE SWEETHEART WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): Youve taken his critisms to be Gospel truth. It starts with nit picking, then personality flaws, etc etc.This behaviour is typical controlling behaviour, designed to control the victim you.Far from being the God you see. This man is a nasty piece of work.All the problem you now think you have did you have them before you met him? Once you see this man for what he really is then you can heal yourself.
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