A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know that, really, it is none of my business, but I can't help looking out for my best friend. She is 33 and been single for a few years (some dates, one short-term relationship). We both regard each other as the sibling we never had (we are both only children) and have a lot in common. I've been there for her when she's been upset although, have to say, she's not been quite so dependable when I've had problems. However..She has never been one to sleep around. Ever. She took six months before sleeping with the guy who became her fiance because she has always valued sex as something special rather than to be given away. I once teased her after a second date with a guy that I would be round to collect her at 10 am to go wherever it was we were going so to make sure the guy had gone by then and she was really upset. I was only teasing her but she was genuinely hurt that I would consider her to be that (in her words) easy.She has recently been online dating, met a guy she really liked, saw him a few times but dumped him because he wanted to sleep with her. Three weeks later she met another guy and had sex with him after the third date. He didn't ring her the next day and though they have met up a couple of times, he never rings her. It seems obvious to all of us that he is using her for sex. He also has kids, which is something she has always been against because she doesn't want to compete with someone else's kids for a partner's affection.She is therefore behaving totally unlike the woman I have known for years and I am not the only person who thinks this change of behaviour is so unlike her to be a bit worried. Aside from her going to get hurt, I've actually lost a huge amount of respect for her for giving up her values so easily to this guy.This, combined with her letting me down a couple of times over the last year when I've really needed her, makes me think I should end the friendship. I know no one is perfect (I sure as hell aren't) and I don't mean to judge, but how do you stay best friends with someone who you lose respect for??
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): If this is uncommon for her, then try talking to her and see if there is anything going on in her life. Though we may not always agree with what our friends are doing, it is their life and their business. There may be more to the story like the guy pressured her for sex or forced himself on her and she was too upset/embarrassed to tell anyone about it. Even if that wasn't the case, it sounds like she could use a friend to talk to and shoulder to cry on. Take care!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): OP here (sorry, I hadn't registered).
LLindy87 - yes, I do regard sex as something special between two people with a bit of a bond and I genuinely don't believe you can achieve that in three dates. If other people don't feel that way, that's fine for them. But my friend has ALWAYS hated the idea of casual sex (and she would previously have regarded three dates as casual). It's the change in her behaviour/principles that concerns me as it is so out of character. It's like she's not the same person I/we thought she was and that's hard to take and I find it hard to remain friends with someone who suddenly becomes a different person like this. It's not like she's a teenager and naive. I know she wants a lasting relationship and this isn't going to lead to one and is going to mess her up.
She is also keeping this from me and some other close friends, which makes me believe she knows we would all disapprove and that, in some ways, she disapproves herself, otherwise she should have no need to hide this from us. Some of our other friends are very sexual and wouldn't see this as a problem per se, but even they do about her.
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A
female
reader, LLindy87  +, writes (5 July 2010):
 I have one question for you, are you holding your friend to higher standards than yourself? Do you hold sex as something special? I obviously don't know you but it wouldn't be fair if thats the case. Also, what she is doing with that guy is only her business when it comes down to it and it shouldn't effect your friendship. However, you should let her know your opinion that this guy is playing her. And if she doesn't want to take your warning seriously, then prepare to be there for her when shit hits the fan. If you two are as close as you say you are then you need to keep this friendship and be there for her when her mistake goes downhill.
But, about the other issues of letting you down all the tim is something that is definately effecting your friendship and you. you should talk to her about that as well as letting her know your concerns about her getting hurt.
maybe she's going through something? maybe she doesn't feel like she's getting anywhere with her normal ways so she changed it? maybe she's experimenting with drugs or alcohol, maybe she really fell for this guy and doesn't realize that he's playing her since she never let her self in that position a lot before, therefore she could be naive about it. Just don't lose a special friendship, you'll regret it. talk to her, please do.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (5 July 2010):
 It sounds really weird and out of character for her to be behaving like that. Could you have a chat to her? It sounds like something has happened e.g. some kind of hormone deficiency or substance abuse maybe. Tell her how you are feeling (gently) and ask her if she needs your help. You will know based on the outcome of this conversation whether or not to continue the friendship with her.
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