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female
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anonymous
writes:How do you let go of someone who you care for so much and love?I think I need to break up with my bf because he can be very disrespectful towards me, especially when he has been drinking. But the thing is, he can be the best bf I have ever had at times, and whenever I go to break up with him, he starts acting like that, so I back out. I love him so much and I dont wanna hurt him. When he tells me that he loves me and he misses me when Im not around, I think to myself how can i even consider breaking up with him, it will break his heart.But im not 100% happy in this relationship and i cant see it working, even though i do truly love him. I want it to work, but honestly, i have tried and its just not. He is who he is, and i cant expect him to change. How do i tell him i want to break up? do i tell him the real reason why, which is because he hurts me when he disrespects me? or do i make up some other reason which might be less hurtful for him? i want to stay friends with him because hes an amazing guy and i cant imaigne my life without him, but at the same time i dont think i would ever be able to move on if we stayed friends.any advice?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (2 March 2009):
 You've had excellent advice, so I'm only speaking to the last comment in your follow up: If he promises to change, just say, "Good for you! I'm sure your next girlfriend will appreciate that. No one likes to be disrespected, so if you can get that under control, perhaps next time, her feelings won't be irreparably changed by that as mine have been." The thing to get across and stick to is that your feelings have irrevocably changed. You cannot go back to where you were because too much has happened.
Yes, good relationships take more than love. You've got that right! And you deserve a good relationship. Think of this current relationship and break up as a learning experience. You know what you DON'T want, you know what doesn't work and is hurtful and damaging to you.
So, more learning suggestions for you. Decide what YOU want and then stick to it. Don't negotiate in this break up; this is not a bilateral decision where both have to agree. This is a break up where you decide what YOU will tolerate. If it means no contact, then say so, and stick to it. You have a spine, now you need to grow a corresponding relationship spine. You can do this! You can be strong and be firm.
His heart will heal, so will yours. It'll just take time. Be strong! Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice :)
k_c100- I actualy did say the problem is that he disrespects me, especially when he drinks, so its not only when he drinks, it is other times, but it just becomes worst when hes had alcohol, thats what I meant.
I know I do contradict myself in what I say. Thats the problem- I have conflicting feelings. He is the best bf I have ever had- that is true, Ive never had a decent bf before. He might not treat me right all the time, but he treats me better more oftne then my ex bfs.
I dont think it will work because my self esteem is going down the line. It is seriously being damaged and I know that if i stay it will probably get worst. It takes more then love to make a relationship work doesnt it?
Thankyou both again for your advice, i will be honest in telling him why. I just hope he doesnt promise to change.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (2 March 2009):
 You are right in thinking you wont be able to move on if you try and stay friends. I have tried the whole "lets be friends" thing and it doesnt work. It could only ever work if you both mutually decide to end the relationship and one party isnt more hurt than the other. And then it would have to have ended nicely, and the feelings of love for each other would have needed to have gone quite some time ago.
If you are certain you want to break up with him then you must tell him the truth, dont try and protect his feelings with a softer excuse as it will be harder for him to understand why you wanted to break up.
From what you have said, he is only disrespectful when he drinks, and apart from this there is no other reasons as to why you want to break up? You contradict yourself a lot in your question. You cannot say that he is the best boyfriend in the world at times, and that you love him so much and cant imagine your life without him - then say you just dont think it will work. If you truly love him then you will try and make it work.
If you really want out - then you have stopped loving him somewhere down the line, so stop telling yourself you still have those really strong feelings for him. And when you end it, definately dont say to him "I love you so much but....". Or "I still love you but....". This will hurt him so much more or he will think he has a chance to get you back as you still love him.
You need to think about what you are going to say before you do it - make notes if you need to. Be firm but not harsh. No hugging, touching him etc. It has to be a clean break with no feelings involved from your side. Keep it short and to the point. You need to explain why you are doing it but dont go into detail as there is no need. If you get upset try and keep it inside until you have left - if he sees you cry I imagine he will try and hug you and this will weaken your resolve to end this.
I hope this helps!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): Tell him the truth. Be honest! You say he hurts you with his disrespect...but you are so afraid of hurting him!!!! Don't be. Abusive men are always kind and sweet, when trying to get their woman back. The problem is, they can't keep it up, because it isn't really them! as you said He is who he is!
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