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female
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*ik524
writes: How do you know when a relationship is over? - I have been with my guy for 11 months now...He keeps saying he will cut down on his drinking (he's drunk at least 3 nights out of the week), will find a better job so that he doesn't have to borrow money from his parents, and sex has almost completely stopped - except for once every two weeks (usually). He is two years younger than I am...should I wait for him to grow up or move on? Keep in mind that we have a lease together - should I break it and leave him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007): You stated that he gets 'drunk'. Apparently, you have a problem with this. I do not know how old you are, but, this is a serious problem in itself. If you have a problem with alcohol, you will have a problem for a seriously long time if you even think about staying with this person. The buck should stop here. If you have children or even think of having any, they will have to share this "drunk 3 times a week" dad. You are smart. You will figure this out. If it's not too late already, move on. You deserve so much more. And this person does also. They just need help. Please point them in the right direction. AA really helps. Everyone is very special. Just some of us needs a 'lil' help. I hope this helps, because I have been there and back. Good luck to you and the person you are speaking of. I hope that your smile finds your face again. Mine did. Good luck sweetie.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006): Girl move on!! Obviously he is not worried about your well being or taking care of you if he is still getting money from his parents. He doesn't have his ducks in a row why wait for him when you are trying to get your ducks in a row. Find someone who will take care of you, cater to you and your needs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2006): I've been that guy and I've run some potentially great relationships into the ground as a result. The problem was that I wasn't ready for a lasting relationship or to "grow up". I usually dated older girls so that was kind of an ongoing issue. (I dated a grad student teaching assistant that couldn't understand how I could speak and write the way I did in her class but be such a complete goon in my leisure time. I said "Because I'm 19 years old.") I'm not saying this is your guy but something to consider is that he may not be ready for the kind of commitment you're looking for and he may not even realize it. You can't force it, but you can try to take stock of the situation - how old is he, where is he in his emotional maturity, and how long would you be willing to wait? If you come up with "old enough to know better", "emotionally retarded", and "not very" you need to put an end to it. To use a previous example, my TA ex-girlfriend and I ran into each other about 5 years later and could have easily hit it off again and possibly made it work, but she had gotten married. Still, people do grow up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2006): Your boyfriend seems less mature than you, but you haven't mentioned how commited he is to your relationship. He drinks a lot, does not have a career, and is not good with money, but how is he with you? Does his drinking take presidence over you? Or does he seem commited, faithful, caring and supportive to you?
The lack of sex is a strong indication of a problem but whether or not this should be grounds for deciding the relationship is over goes back to how commited he is to you.
I think you are in a very typical situation for someone who has been dating for 11 months, whether or not the relationship is over is whether or not he can see the cracks and is willing to work to repair them. This doesn't necessarily mean to stop the drinking, find the perfect job and become responsible with money all in one go, but some change in his life would show he is serious and dedicated to you.
Have a talk about all this. Find out how commited to the relationship he really is. Set yourself a timeframe. If, after the talk, you see no change in his behaviour then I think that would be very strong proof that the relationship has sadly run its course.
Good luck with whatever happens with you both.
Peter
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