A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, how do you know when you can trust someone? My bf and I have been together 8 years, up until last year, when he broke up with me out of the blue. I'd had my suspicions about him before the split (started receiving cell calls late at night, taking his cell everywhere - like even into the bathroom when he had a shower, taking a new interest in his appearance) and, ashamedly through managing to get his cell phone and look at his texts, found out he was seeing a female colleague and sending/receiving explicit pics from adult dating services. So he moved out, but we stayed in touch. Six months on, he tells me he can't live without me, so we get back together. We're 6 months on from getting back together, and I'm learning to trust him again. I think I know the signs to look out for if he was cheating, but what are the signs that I can trust him? It's driving me crazy because if he says he'll call me at night (we're still living apart) and doesn't, my mind starts racing - I start assuming he's with some girl, etc. But then he'll usually call a couple of hours late saying he was doing his shopping or something. How can I stop assuming the worst? My friends say he should be doing all he can to reassure me if he really wants me back, but it doesn't feel like he is. And he's still cagey about his cell phone! Help!
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female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (20 June 2009):
 When you agreed to take him back, you agreed to trust him, or you should have.
I hope you two had a good discussion about the situation when you agreed to take him back. If you did not, it's not too late to do so. If he squirms about it then I would question the relationship because you should be able to have open communications with the person you are involved with.
I believe people can change but I think there has to be a crisis (or event) to make them change. There were no consequences for him to change so he is likely to repeat the pattern. If he is still guarding his phone, that's a red flag.
All that being said, it is my opinion that we get what we expect out of people. People live up to our expectations. So if you are expecting him to cheat, he will. If this were my relationship and I felt like I couldn't trust him, I would take a break from it and question why I put myself in this situation.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): Why is he still cagey about his cell phone? He should be able to leave it around and not bother whether you look at it or not if there is nothing wrong or nothing to hide. Personally I would never be able to trust someone again that did that to me. I would not want to torture myself with the ordeal of having to try. I guess you have made the decision to try though so will just have to do your best. However what were his real motives for getting back with you? Did he split with the other woman? I think what you have to weigh up is whether you want to live with the niggling doubt that will always be there or not. Because by taking him back effectively you don't really have the right to not trust him. If you don't think you can trust him then you don't have a relationship.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (20 June 2009):
 You don't. It is a leap of faith and the whole point about a leap of a faith is that you don't know what the result will be.
That is why trust is so easily broken. Valid trust cannot be proven but a broken trust all to easily.
The sky is red.
Water is wet.
Since I lied in the first statement, how can you believe the second one?
In your case, the sad part about cheaters is that they are like little kids. They push the limits to see how far they can go. Give in, and they push harder. He probably cheated or thought it before the break-up and you took him. There was no consequence for his actions. Doesn't he mean he has to start trying again, but what has changed? Why should he have changed? You took him back. No consequence, means no learning.
It is pessimistic view of humanity, but I fear a realistic one. If you believe different, then you got to trust him. That requires to let go of your suspicions however valid they might be. That is trust. To believe another even if there is no logical reason to do so. Because he can't proof he ain't cheating. Neither can you.
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