A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Well, this situation is tearing me up inside but I haven't talked to anyone about it.How do you know when you've ruined a friendship beyond repair?I'm not sure how to deal with this situation.I recently moved to another country, and I met a lot of people and became friends but I feel like they've fallen away. They used to invite me to do things, but lately I have been feeling left out, and it hurts me a lot, to tell the truth.I would like for these friends (one of whom I live with) to include me in things... when they don't invite me it makes me feel like I've done something to ruin the friendship or that they don't want to be friends anymore. It's killing me but I don't want to appear desperate or needy. I talked to one of these people, who told me that he's invited me in the past and later regretted it. But... he's invited me to other things since then. I went to a pool party with this same friend and he seemed to enjoy being with me... but for the past couple weeks I feel really shut out! I don't know if he's being cold on purpose of if I'm imagining it.Recently, however, he has done a series of things and not invited me to come with him, I really care for him as a friend but I feel like he's fallen away from me. Sometimes I feel shy around him and I don't know why... I want to have conversations but never feel sure as to what to say and end up saying something that I feel is dumb.I have to see him all the time, and it's making me feel very sad because I keep thinking about how we used to be closer, and used to do things, and part of me is blaming myself, and it's torturing me.I really wanted to be friends, and feel like I've failed! He tells me that I come across as insecure... this is a feeling I've tried very hard to hide, but I can't help it! Secretly I worry that I'm not as smart as most people. I'll try to make conversation and then other people respond with sarcastic comments that chalk up to... "What a stupid question..." or I'll be somewhere (ie a party) and desperately wish I could think of something clever to say, but my mind will go blank.I know this may sound puerile from someone in my age group, but it's really tearing me up inside! I miss being invited to do things, and the possibility that I could have been friends with people, and won't be, and that it's my fault... is torturing me. I don't want to invite myself, and having to constantly see other people doing things together and leaving me out is torture. To have to constantly see people that I could have been friends with and KNOW that I spoiled everything... is torture.Honestly? I'm a very jealous person and I worry a LOT about not getting my fair share of love, attention, or other things. It's a defect but I'm not proud... I admit that I'm like that. I hope that no one will judge me; I'm in a lot of pain and it feels as if it will never go away! Whenever I see photos on Facebook of other people doing stuff together, my heart hurts to the point of torture. I've felt really alone lately! Thank you if you can help me.I don't know how to deal with this!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): I feel like your self esteem is a bit low. People are cruel sometimes, especially in groups, and maybe they picked up on you being self conscious or being unsure of what to say or do in social situations and are picking on you because of that by not inviting you. It sounds like they aren't the nicest bunch, perhaps you should try to find other people who you can act naturally around. If you're truly compatible with someone as a friend, you shouldn't have to try to think of clever things, you should just be able to click with them. The way they are acting also seems pretty infantile, why would you want to hang about people like that, anyway? You deserve better.
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