A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I could really use some advice and am pretty much alone so I hope to hear from some of you. I was in a 13 year relationship with someone I had known for 23 years total when I ended the relationship for various reasons. By the time I got to the place he was at and realized things had changed for the better and was willing to give the relationship another chance I hesitated and didn't tell him that week and then couldn't get a hold of him for the next two weeks. When we spoke again he told me he had met someone new and I told him why I had been trying to get a hold of him, I had been wanting to say I was ready for us to get back together and he said it was too late. That he really liked this girl and he didn't expect this to happen nor wanted it to happen but it had and he wanted to see where it would go now. She however insisted that he no longer talk to me given our relationship. I had known this man for 23 years and could hardly remember a time in my life that he wasn't a part of nor that he wasn't my best friend and was destroyed when he actually honored her request and walked out of my life. No one that knew us could believe that he really did this to me, no one. Other than a few week moments in the very beginning where I sent a few emails and left one voice mail I made no further contact with him. He did this to me in April 2008. I did not hear anything from him nor even run into him again until 2009. In 2009 we happened to pass each other once on the street in our vehicles and she was in his truck so he did not acknowledge me but he had clearly seen me, we were two feet away from each other. But the real kicker was in August 2009 I moved to a new apartment and discovered on my moving day that he lived in the same complex that I was moving into. Followed by the shocker in September of 2009, 1 year and five months after my heart had been destroyed, my phone rings and it is him calling me out of the blue to apologize for what had happened. He was still with the girl, living with her, in the same complex as me. Ugh! Now this is where I need help...they broke up in March of 2010. He and I ran into each other for the first time the same day he was getting the keys to his new place from the leasing office. He still talks to the ex girlfriend. He still has love for her. They both recently did the old slip up and sleep one more time with the ex again routine which makes me really uneasy. But I do not think they will get back together , at least I hope not. At one point he sounded like he might be changing his mind but lately he sounds sure again that that situation is over and that they are just friendly now. My problem is I do still love him. I have loved him all my life. I don't know how to not love him. I want to be friends with him but I don't know how to fit back into his life now.He is on his own. He is going back to school to start a new career. He has not made any romantic advances towards me. I am scared of him being back in my life. If by some chance he does get back together with his ex then he will be gone from life again and so I find myself always worried that he could be leaving my life again. That the bottom could drop out again. It destroyed me when all this happened the first time. I was messed up for so long. I just don't know how to interpret this situation. After all he made first contact while they were still together and I would understand if he just apologized and that was it but we did keep talking even if it was minimal because he felt guilty doing it. He says he loves me. I asked him if he would ever consider us getting back together and he said, yes. However, I think he maybe he just took that as a someday contemplation where as I am meaning that as a closer future. I just so wish he and I could have time to be around each other without anyone else around or other distractions but that isn't how life works and in the meantime I am terrified he will meet another woman or get back together with the ex and I will lose again. Am I crazy? Am I paranoid? I should say, this is very important here, I am over weight, I cannot do snowboard or ski and that is an activity that he loves to do and that was always a big issue in our relationship because I wasn't as active as him. I am still overweight. I have lost 15 pounds this year and am going to continue to lose more but if anyone has advice on how to exercise for this activity I would like to know. I want to try my best to loose this weight and get fit for me and if not for him then for me to look my best for someone else. I should also say that I have dated two other men since my Ex and know that I can be happy with someone else but I can't seem to let him go. He is like a drug to me that I can't let go of and it both scares me and fills my heart with love, I just don't want my heart hurt again by the person who I had trusted it with the most.
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best friend, broke up, ex girlfriend, get back together, his ex, my ex, overweight Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you tennisstar88for your great response all the way around. I appreciate your encouragement about the love of my life, I am going to go for it. I also appreciate the advice on how to plan a work out routine I feel kind of at a loss on what I am doing there so that sounds like a good plan and my biggest pet peeve on my body is my arms so definitely extra thanks for that tip. Finally, always looking for suggestions on healthy eating recipes so thanks for those site suggestions. I will check them out for sure. Thank you for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. It's nice to hear that someone thinks that this relationship may have a chance besides me. I love this man with every ounce of me and have for so many years. I know I can move on if I have to after what I have gone thru over the past two years but it is incomplete without him. I learned that as well. Someone else may fill his space but not his place in my heart like he does. Even after all these years, well up until the last time we kissed, he would still make me weak in the knees when he would give me a deep kiss. To still feel that way after 23 years is something special I think.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (27 August 2010):
 Because of the nature of the break-up I'm confident that this relationship can be mended...plus you already have the living together out of the way..that broke an engagement of mine. And there was never a time where communication was lost....if it was completely over then one of you would have stopped keeping in touch...as hard as it is to shut someone out, it would've been the only way in this case. But the feelings are still present, and he's still there. I'd definitely give it go and claim your man before another woman puts her grubby mitts on him! By the way, congrats on the 25 pounds lost. Do 45 minutes of cardio, mix it up between the bike, elliptical, and the treadmill. Then I do 15 minutes of lifting weights for my arm flab and the love handles..do low weight high reps..and if you need some healthy recipes, Healthy Living, and Taste of Home Light Edition have fantastic recipes from people all over the U.S. they're definitely worth subscribing to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. To the questions that were asked. The place I live in is a city of about 60,000 so while not huge still big enough that ending up in the same complex was quite shocking. We met when we were 15 years old. We are now 40 years old. I did not count in the time we have known each other the time we did not talk. If we count that time then we have known each other now 25 years. We broke up because I ended the relationship. He did not want the relationship to end. We had bought a house that was fully in his name because it was a VA loan and since we were not married I could not be on the loan. The morning after we moved into the house he woke up with the biggest case of buyers remorse you could imagine. He wanted to walk away from that house that day. If I could go back in time I would make the choice to walk away like he wanted but instead I let everyone around us and myself convince him it would go away and to give it two years. If he felt the same then we would sell the house and move on. Well the remorse never went away and the house destroyed our relationship because he lost his mind over that two year period and I just couldn't take it anymore. Two years to the month, I moved out. He stayed and put the house on the market. Within a couple months the house sold and he was pretty much staying with me at my apartment again. He then left town for six months to go remodel his brothers home in another state. The entire time we spoke on the phone constantly and neither of us got involved with anyone else. I however still didn't see him getting any better. At least I didn't trust and believe he was. When it was time for him to come back to where I lived he asked to come back to the apartment I lived in. I told him I didn't want him to but he said it would be temporary and as friends. I really needed the financial help and had an extra room so I agreed. He ended up living with me again intimately like a couple but in separate rooms, mainly because I snore, and not seeing other people for over a year. He was obviously trying so hard to show me that he was fine again and had changed but I wasn't willing to see it and trust it and made it really difficult on him. I really had doubts about my love for him at this point. I had doubts about him being with me because he really wanted to or because he settled for me and I wanted it be because he wanted to be there. I had so many insecurities. I was an idiot who didn't realize I was sabotaging a very good thing.
So I made him move out even though I knew he would be leaving town in six months to go on the road for this new job he had just started. One of my biggest issues was that I didn't feel appreciated. I felt like he had never really lived on his own and I wanted him to have to be on his own before going on the road and then perhaps that would make him appreciate all that I did. Even after he moved out we still kept seeing each other, we couldn't help it. Still slept together. He met her at that new job, ugh! If I hadn't had him move out then we would have still clearly been in a relationship instead of this just hooking up situation and he would have never gone out with her and gotten involved with her.
I did make a typo in my first post. I have actual lost 25 pounds so far this year. Since my post I have been working out daily. So the advice of working out is good advice, thank you.
You are right 13 years is a long time and you can't ignore all that has happened. We didn't break up over cheating, lying, or anything hateful happening. When we did separate there was no behavior that resulted in an outcome that would make either of us avoid each other now obviously.
I think if he didn't have feelings that meant something of significance he would have stayed away. I feel that I have made my feelings known already but will continue when opportunities present themselves to make my move and also on a daily basis just work to get healthier for me.
I do remember watching the video 'The Secret' a few years back. Thank you for reminding of that. I will watch it again.
There may be a time to move on, but I still have to hope and try for now while I still feel like I may be able to get my soul mate back.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010): The fact he was with some one else so quick,after all those years should tell you its time to call it a day. You will have to move on now. Can you live with a person like that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010): Having a true love for someone you are not with is agonizing, I know.
When this happened to me I could see it was impeding my personal progress to have those feelings. Realizing my feelings were a direct consequence of my thoughts, I went right to work on my thinking patterns. It was a tremendous success to literally force substitute thoughts of him. When a thought would come in, I quickly replaced it with anything, anything at all that is positive or benign. Quickly the substitutions became thoughts of what I was doing next. In my case, it was the gym.
You said being overweight is a problem, and that may be on the health side; how it impacts your movement and system, but may I suggest being overweight is only a symptom...
How about this: put together a daily routine that feeds your soul and body. Get busy stuffing every minute with things that bring you happiness. Be committed to a routine. Remember that real happiness begins with optimal health. When your body is working out regularly, all other things come naturally: weight loss, good feelings, good choices, faith in yourself, on and on.
Last, read the book: "How to be your own best friend"
And read the book and watch the dvd: "The Secret".
Follow both of these works and I promise you that real happiness is all yours!
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (22 August 2010):
What are the odds of you moving into the same apartment complex as them? Unless you live in a small town. First off you have known him for 23 years together for 13, what were you guys the other 10? Why did you end the relationship? Well know that the girlfriend is out of the picture then it's time for you to make your move. Ring him for a chat, let him now how you still feel, that your break-up was a mistake, and you want to work on getting back together, I wouldn't just dive right into it, take it a lil slow and everything will fall in place. You're not crazy or paranoid, you know that there is no other man for you. To me it's a sign. He's in your apartment complex and now single, if that's not a sign then I don't know what is!! As far as the weight thing, that's fixable, you've already lost 15 pounds that's quite a goal and you have the potential to lose more. I know everyone says it but diet and exercise do make you lose weight. I replace one meal with a salad, introduce more veggies they taste awesome steamed, some even grilled. For desert I would skip the ice cream, you can make fruit salad or if you must have ice cream opt for the frozen yogurt it is just as good with way less fat. Bottom line, 13 years together is a long time there still has to be some feeling there for him.
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