A
female
age
36-40,
*ot Issues
writes:My sister is in her mid-20s. Five years ago, she was in a relationship for 3 months. When it ended, she fell into a depression, which she has allowed herself to remain in ever since. This means that she has spent 20 times more grieving the end of the relationship than she actually spent being in it. She has turned this guy, who she barely had time to get to know, into the pinnacle of perfection in her head and talks about how life is rubbish and will never be good again. She refuses to try to meet someone new (which I think would help her move on) and she also refuses to try to see anything positive in her situation or speak to a professional. I've tried talking to her about my own experiences, one of which was quite similar to hers in that I met a nice guy but circumstances meant we couldn't be together, but she insists that her situation is different and unique and that nobody in the world would understand. I've tried to put things in perspective for her but she gets defensive and angry, refuses to listen and ends up blocking me (on Skype, we don't live together). I hate to think if her being in pain but she is choosing to be in pain and is very rude and dismissive of anyone who tries to help. I know that people have to want to help themselves, but is there anything at all I can do? She is stubborn enough for this to go on for much, much longer.
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female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (21 April 2013):
Got Issues is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for all the replies, I really appreciate them and will try distraction techniques instead, as talking about it isn't helping and I don't think I can convince her to see a doctor. Cerberus, you make a very fair point, albeit without tact but that is your style and I appreciate your honesty and you taking the time to answer. You are right about a new relationship not being the right thing for someone with so much baggage, but I haven't tried to set her up with anyone or anything like that, and I wouldn't do that either. It was more of a throwaway comment that I made. I'm definitely not one of those people who thinks that a new relationship will fix all the old problems or that it's somehow easy to find someone new, especially when you are damaged. I know full well that any issues you have with yourself/your past will come back to haunt you and you can't expect someone else to fix you or be responsible for your happiness. I meant more that I'd like to see her meet and get to know people in general (not necessarily dating, also friends) and see that there are good people out there, as she is quite cynical but used to be a lot of fun. She's a good girl with a lot to give, who could achieve a lot, and I want to see her happy and fulfilled one day. It's really hard to see someone you care about in pain, but it's even harder to see that person in pain every day for years and refusing to do something about it.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 April 2013):
 This isn't normal. Without me being a professional, it sounds not normal. I think your sister suffers from depression. It can be genetically, and that it was in her mind, just waiting for a catalyst. And then this break-up, however minor it should have been, became the catalyst. When depressed it changes how your brain works. It can physically change your brain. That means, that no matter how irrational it is to grieve this long, her mind sees it as perfectly rational. She might have lost the ability to .. well "put two and two together".
I have a friend who was genetically predisposed to depression. Without knowing the correct terms, her left and right brain part lost the ability to "communicate" as it used to. And this was triggered by a break-up. If it wasn't the break-up, it could have been triggered by other things. Now she is on anti-depressants, and she can't get a license to drive a car either because of the changing of her brain. Without her right and left brain parts communicating properly she can not make the right decisions quickly.
However, she is doing much much better now. I introduced her to my brother actually, who also suffers depression. It is remarkable how they have both healed after being together for just a year and a half. They already live together, and are trying for a baby. So life on anti depressants isn't bad or horrible. It can be a pretty good life.
How you can help her? Encourage her to go see her doctor. That's really all you can do, as well as talk to a professional and ask if they know what you can possibly do.
Personally, I suggest you stop talking about her ex-boyfriend. He isn't the cause of this, and he isn't the problem either. There's something else going on with your sister, and you need to find out what. If she is depressed, do not try to reason, use logic etc. That doesn't work. Instead, try to bring her places, let her be social, laugh with her, do things together. Don't pressure her, but rather inspire her. Talk to her about her feelings, and just listen, or try to be constructive, but do not belittle her problems. Also, do not compare them to your own... that wouldn't work, as a depressed person will not see that others hurt too. Depression causes one to be selfish, and only concerned about themselves. The lives, pleasures and pains of others has zero interest, and zero impact. So do not waste your time and energy by trying to get her to see things from your point of view.
Also, if she has depression (which I think she does, after having lived with my brother and watched him go through it, and also my father is depressed) do NOT blame her so much. She is ill. Yes, it hurts you, and my brother has also been extremely insensitive at times and been right out mean to me. However, they are ill. Asking them to be rational, considerate etc. is like asking a person with the flu to run the marathon. You'd understand why a person with the flu couldn't be expected to run the marathon. Likewise, you can not expect a depressed person to be considerate of your feelings.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (21 April 2013):
 Hi
She has had 5 years wallowing in self-pity which is way too long - she clearly likes playing the victim.
What would she be like if something truly awful happened to somebody she cared about - go into life-long mourning, dressed in black forever?
She has to learn to handle rejection, like we all do.
You cannot help her because she clearly LIKES being this way,it's a way of life for her now.I agree, no man will want to date her when she's in 'pity party' mode and also if it went wrong she would be even worse.
She does need professional help but you can't make her go so all you can do is distract her, no mention of her depression or ex or anything to do with dating or men.
She is very lucky to have you as a sister so try and ignore how she is and start planning days out here n there,if she won't go, well that's her choice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2013): First off you can't help and secondly your ideas of helping her are shit.
"which I think would help her move on"
No it wouldn't OP, it would just lead her into getting her heart broken again when she realizes we don't want to date messed up, depressed women with so much baggage and the only guys that do are those codependent fixer pricks that will just ruin her.
There's nothing you can do OP, just be supportive and listen to her moan.
Seriously OP get rid of this notion that a new guy is her fix. I would dump her ass as soon as I found out she was this bad and had this much baggage. I'm no ones saviour, I'm no ones solution I want a woman ready to date who has a happy life willing to share with me. You're setting her up to be used and abused because no truly good guy is going to go near her.
In fact the younger me would have just used her for sex then thrown her away to teach her a lesson about not dating when you're not ready. Yeah I was an asshole but back then I felt women like her deserved it for trying to use me to fix her, so I'd just use them straight back.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (21 April 2013):
 You've really done all you can do. As you mentioned, there is nothing you can do to fix someone who is content with being miserable. Mourning the loss of a three month relationship for five years is quite dramatic and extreme. I know it must be difficult for you to not know what to do to help. It's a frustrating and helpless feeling. All you can do is tell her your perspective and then leave her be. She will eventually get over it on her own time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2013): Unless you know a psychologist that does home calls it will be difficult to get her help that she knows she needs but refuses to get. You tried and you can only do so much. Back off for now and maybe try again in a month or so. Any person that wants to lash out at somebody who wants to help but refuses to seek help should be left alone. Maybe once she sees that her friends are ignoring her she might see thelight. No guarantees though....
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A
female
reader, cryface +, writes (21 April 2013):
she is very young and this romance could be her "first love" try to do not talk about the "relationship thing" take her out try to distract her with other things... she would feel better and we as human been always want to feel better ....
i think she just needs some distraction and seems u are the right person for help her if u are very close to her
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