A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How can you learn to be ok with being single at 30? I’m 30 and single, and I know I’m not the only one and that there are probably other single women out there my age or older. I’ve only had one relationship in my life that was “serious” (yr and a half). And I say “serious” because I shamefully accepted being the other woman. It’s been 2 years since it all ended, I quitted my job and decided to do my masters degree. I’m nowhere done with it but men just don’t seem to flock to me like they do with other girls or regular girls. I’m beginning to think that I will never find a guy again much less marry. Specially since the older I get the less young I look and less daring I am. I got so hurt from the last relationship that I don’t feel I’m even fun anymore. So how do I stop feeling sad for not having a boyfriend and being ok with probably not ever having one. It’s like I’m cursed. Thanks! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 January 2018):
 The bliss off choosing you over someone else for a few hours? I am sorry OP but not person should feel good about having sex with another woman's man. If that is what makes you feel good then I really am not sure what to say to you, most people would feel guilt!!
If men reject you due to a physical deformaty then that makes them shallow. If men walk away from you then they truly are not worth it. This guy may not have walked away from you, and that was because he was looking for sex on the side off his relationship. But OP you need to realize that if someone is cheating in a relationship they don't want another girlfriend or wife. You should also never have sex with someone who is already taken because you are part off the hurt caused when an innocent women (or man) finds out their partner has been unfaithful.
If you are a resentful person then more than likely that is why you are unlucky when it comes to men. Nobody wants to be around someone who holds alot of anger and negativity. You need to learn to let go off that and realize how much life has to offer. Always remember their are people in the world much worse off than you.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (27 January 2018):
 OP, in the nicest possible way: stop pitying yourself.
The guy saw you were full of self-pity and he played on that for free sex.
Most guys who reject you for a deformity aren't decent guys anyway.
The only thing you've said that is actually a strong clue of why you haven't got a boyfriend is "I'm a very resentful person". Of course people don't want someone like that. *You* probably don't want to be around yourself because you pity yourself and are resentful of your situation, instead of changing it.
Having a noticeable difference is hard, when it's considered "ugly" or just not "beautiful"/"normal". However, your biggest problem is settling for an affair and being bitter about your lack of proper relationships.
Seek therapy, OP. Deal with your issues and you'll find someone. Continue to let them control your life and you'll still be miserable in 10, 20, 40 years. YOU are the reason you're being held back - NOT your "deformity".
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know that what I had wasn’t a formal relationship, but it was a sexual relationship nonetheless. I guess that’s what I miss the most about it and the bliss of knowing that even for a few hours he was choosing me over someone else. In the end it all ended badly because he hurt me and I made sure he paid. My whole life I have been rejected by men due to a physical deformity I have a men walk away. Not this one. But in the end he ended up hurting me. So chances are I will end up alone my whole life. To top it off I have a hovering mother that used to beat me as a child. So as you can see I’m a very resentful person. But that’s ok. I accept no guy can stand that.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (26 January 2018):
There really is nothing wrong with being single at 30. People find themselves single at all ages. Am guessing with you personally though you feel that you have never had the chance to know what it is like to have a boyfriend, and I would imagine that can be tough at your age to feel like you have missed out. Being the other woman is not you being in a relationship off any kind. He had you on the side, that is the long and short off it. I don't want to upset you or be rude but he was in a relationship and it wasn't with you. It is time to get over that part off your life, accept the mistake and move forward.
Now you say men don't flock around you, but do you ever try and approach men and try and make conversation? In fairness I don't think men flock around women all the time, it is just some women are more approachable, so if you find you are not then smile more, have more confidence and start up more conversations. I am guessing that you may have confidence issues? I might be wrong but it sounds like you are quiet and not approachable. Learn to work on yourself. If you say you are no fun then change that. You need to take control off your own life someone is not going to come along and change you. You need to take control and learn to love yourself. Stop with the pity, you are not cursed you just need to try and love yourself more and be more outgoing.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2018): Focus on yourself, your growth as a person, do what makes you happy, eat healthy, exercise, talk to a therapist...Do some volunteer work, join a club where you could potentially meet people with shared interests. People not just men.This will bring new dynamics into your life. Positive energy. And, unlike in physics, positive attracts positive. I met all my bf and my husband like that. I was always doing something, focusing on myself, studies, work...You need less pressure. I would just give myself some time and not try to force it, like using websites and apps to meet potential partners. Here's why I think that dating sites are not for everybody and suggest going the old fashioned way. The pressure is sometimes to great. Everybody is looking for something: ideal partner, casual sex... too many labels. Everybody is appraising and judging and is being appraised and judged. For some the pressure is just unbearable and fear of rejection too strong. So they either feel discouraged or quickly jump onto some opportunities that are not really suited for them.Time is the key ingredient. Give yourself time and when you do meet someone, give him time too. No pressure.I wish I knew at 30 what I know now at 40. ENJOY MORE, you are responsible for your life, for the money you earn, your health and for your own happiness.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (24 January 2018):
Watch "Friends". It's not everyone's cup of tea, but it shows that a lot of people haven't found a serious relationship by age 30. Some have a string of failed relationships or a couple of divorces. Others have had a long term relationship they thought would lead to marriage, then it doesn't.There are a lot of movies and tv shows about people in their 30s who are still single or yet to settle down. Why? Because it's very common.You have to learn to accept yourself as you are - only then will you find someone decent, as you'll know what you want, how to find out what they want, when to walk away, when to give someone a second chance, etc. You'll know what reg flags to avoid, like MARRIED MEN and liars or men with no ambition. You'll figure out your boundaries and deal breakers.Start having fun. Go out. Travel a little. Enjoy your life as a free, single woman, as you won't be once you settle down - presumably for the rest of your life, once you've found someone you end up marrying.What you can't do is use a cop out excuse like "I'm cursed" and "how do I become ok with probably not ever having one". It's ridiculous, OP. You're just pitying yourself and that won't get you anywhere. You're wasting your time on feeling sorry for yourself and predicting a negative life for yourself - that's what will make your fears come true.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 January 2018):
 What makes you happy? (like hobbies, sports, entertainment)
Maybe what you need to do is BRING happiness back into your life.
Men don't (in general) "flock" to women who seem unhappy and having no confidence. Just like women don't "flock" to men like that either. THOUGH some women DO like broken and unavailable men they can "fix" with "love.
You are still (I think) working through the affair - I won't call it a relationship when it really was an affair. While for YOU it might have FELT like a relationship but it wasn't from his end. It was a "add on" to HIS relationship.
So you can sit and wallow in self pity and misery because you CHOSE to be involved in an affair that ultimately ended and HURT you OR... YOU can look to the future.
HAVE a good social life (not saying you need to new party hard or anything like that) but have GOOD friends, go out and enjoy what life has to offer.
Try some meet up groups if you don't have many or any real friends.
Keep working hard at your degree, GOOD for you for deciding you want to further your education and yourself. Now do the same with things you ENJOY.
If you can save up some money for a NICE trip to celebrate when you are done with your masters. If there is a place that you have always wanted to go or see maybe THAT can be THAT trip.
Or if travel isn't your thing, maybe you have always wanted to see some show, see where is plays and use that as a reward.
LEARN a new skill. Yep. I have taken up needle point (yea, I know it sounds like something dusty old ladies do... My Grand-Mère had SUPERIOR skills and I find it really relaxing. Maybe you are more into painting or cooking or whichever skill you think could be fun.
BRING fun into your life.
ONCE you start enjoying the little things, you might find it attracts a different "crowd".
30 isn't "over the hill you are now doomed to be alone!" But misery attracts misery and REPELS the positive. So FIND the positive in life and attract OTHER positives INTO your life.
Take what happened with the affair and LEARN from it. Married men, taken men, unavailable me are just NOT worth it.
What you PUT out into life, comes back one way or another. Your choice. What do you WANT to put out and receive?
End the pity party, it's time to let go and move on.
It's time to find YOUR happiness. (and that doesn't have to be a dude...) a dude can ADD onto your life and happiness but he should never BE the entire happiness.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2018): I'll be thirty in three months. I struggled with this a lot as I approached this age. Then last Christmas I visited my grandma. She told me stories from throughout her life, multiple marriages, some good, some bad, and I realized that I might be spending my whole adult life with one single man, but that if I'm selective, the guys who do get a few years of me will add quality to my life. Her last husband and her traveled the world together before he passed from cancer. And she had so much fun that today she prefers to sit back with her feet kicked up doing little to nothing. It was inspiring to hear that from someone I admired so much. I've found that far too often we want guys who flock towards us. I call these men "hunters". And they like a girl before they even meet her, because they view her as particularly a woman, rather than a human being. Legit nice guys aren't the type to pressure a woman and want to know who she is first. They treat most every woman they encounter with respect. Take it day by day, but the most important thing is to live your life and love your life. My grandma is 82 and can still pick up men
...............................
|
