A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do you guys feel about social media, especially Facebook? Do you think it's worth it to have one? Has it ever caused any problems for you?I'm asking this because it seems to cause a lot of insecurity within myself and other problems. I am not popular and don't have many friends at all, so I don't have many friends on the site. More importantly, it seems to cause some insecurity and unwanted stress in my relationship. My boyfriend uses Facebook a lot, and has a lot of friends on there. Quite a few of his female friends comment flirty things on the pictures he uploads and when they talk to him on there, they're just way too flirty with what they say. They're all really popular girls and very pretty and I feel like my boyfriend sees them as more interesting than me.It's just that a ton of people use Facebook and it's like if you don't use it, you're missing out and feel left out of things. But really, I feel this way whether I'm on there or not. When it's just me and my boyfriend alone hanging out or doing something, things are actually really good and we have a good relationship. I know this is my problem and my fault, but it seems like Facebook and all of the other stuff online just brings added stress for me. I don't know what I can do about my problems.
View related questions:
facebook, flirt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (1 February 2014):
 Believe me, if you don't have a Facebook account, you're not missing anything. People post the dumbest shit in there. Like in wait to know what type of cat litter you use or what you just ate for lunch. ugh.
The only reason I enjoy it is because it helps you be able to be in touch with old friends on the few and rare occasions you decide to message them and catch up. It connects you with people you would otherwise completely fall out of touch with. And the other good reason I'll give you an example about. Someone lost their dog recently. They posted it on Facebook and all of her other close friends shared the post on their Facebook page and so on and so forth. And with all the millions of different people who saw the post, the dog got returned to her the next day.
Other than that, Facebook sucks.
So if it's causing you anxieties, simply don't have one. It's not the end of the world.
Do you know how many divorced have taken place or are taking place due to Facebook either directly or indirectly. It's uncanny. it's a waste of time.
As for your insecurity - you should really try to work on this, as being insecure is a big turn off in relationships. It sounds like you two are happy. So I see no reason why you feel so sure these other girls are so much better. He loves and cards about YOU. Not them. if he wanted them, he'd be with them. but the more you act insecure, the more you may push him away unintentionally.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2014): Deactivate it for a week and see how you feel.Honestly, I deleted mine about 3 months ago and will never re-activate it. I actually didn't realize how much stress it was causing me until I deleted it.We waste too much time on social media, comparing ourselves and our lives to the people around us. Especially people our age, and it has no benefit on our life whatsoever.As for your boyfriend, I think the behaviour is inappropriate and you should definitely speak to him about these flirty girls.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2014): Facebook is really becoming 'a thing of the past' - older people have been wary of it but now young people are starting to realise that it encourages a particular form of 'relation' at a cost to others - they're just increasingly sick of it because it effectively encourages a lot of self-promotion, boring and banal detail that's just not fun for anyone to see anymore. People are starting to want privacy back and the enjoyment of non-instant relations, in which waiting to hear from or see someone is given a new respect. It's just not cool to be on facebook anymore, but maybe one positive thing is that, over the longer term, people will and are starting to understand the value in traditional ways of communicating and being together.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2014): If you don't like having a facebook, delete it!
I did, a couple years ago, and I haven't regretted it for a second. I still talk to all my good friends and I don't worry about seeing my bf's exes, attractive girl friends, etc, etc…
I'm aware that I'm a little insecure, but without a facebook, ignorance is bliss :)
...............................
A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (1 February 2014):
 Facebook in the past have caused loads of problems to me.
It all started when I was 14 and encountered cyber bullying, I was very unwell at the time and got lots of people leaving sarcastic comments on everything and even at one point wishing me dead.
I then got my next problem with my first boyfriend, he let me have his password, but conversations of his would mysteriously "get deleted".
I then found out he had kissed a girl at a party and had continued speaking to her online, as with other girls.
I then got more problems with my second boyfriend, he had over 1000 friends, and was so protective over his facebook that he would check it in the bathroom.
I was never aloud to go on it, and when I did manage to get a look at it over the time we were together, he was adding strange girls and sending them pictures and messages and even meeting up with them for sex, we broke up of course, but it caused me so much stress and worry and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
I then had another problem with people being able to contact me and sending me both hateful and gossiping anon messages which would leave me paranoid and upset.
Its easy to block someone on facebook, but when they make lots of accounts, its next to impossible.
I then had the irratation of having to read some peoples nasty opinions and watch gangs of people on facebook team up against someone else, and eventually I made a new facebook and kept my friends to less than a hundred.
It still hasn't sorted all the problems though, and at the end of it when it comes to social networking and relationships it ruins things and can leave both of the people in the relationship extremely paranoid.
So essentaily you aren't missing out on anything at all, its addictive, argumentative and distracting, so good on you for not being on it.
If you feel you are worried about these girls or your boyfriends interest in them, you should confront him, talk to him about it and maybe even ask if he could spend less time on facebook and more time with you, and ask him ever so polietly if in the future he could block girls who are waaaayyyy to flirty, especially the flirty girls he might not know very well.
Its very hard to think you can control someones social networking sites, you have to give them a great amount of trust as if you try to monitor them, it makes you pretty much go crazy as its impossible and it makes you seem a tad controlling.
So if he refuses to listen to you or understand that you may be worried and feel he is more interested in them its just something you will have to trust him with as unfortunately when it comes to the internet, there are no limits.
Good Luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (31 January 2014):
 The next time I hear about someone's relationship actually benefiting from his or her social media use, it will be the first time!
The thing with social media is that you can control only what YOU post. Your boyfriend may have no intention whatsoever of flirting with those girls but short of deleting them as friends he can't take away their ability to say what they want on his page, whether it's respectful of his relationship or not.
If both partners are completely indifferent to social media use and when/how others interact with their loved one, the BEST case scenario is that social media causes no additional friction in the relationship. I've had a Facebook account since it was a schools-only thing in 2005 and in eight years of it being around, and knowing friends who used it, never have I heard anyone say "Facebook has really improved my relationship."
It's easy to see why. Facebook is like an online catalog of every social relationship your partner has besides you, and it's very hard to properly convey tone via typed text online. Even comments and 'likes' meant innocently are easy to misconstrue, especially if the person reading them is already suspicious. (That's assuming both the author and the recipient have honest intentions, which isn't always the case!)
Social media is a great way to keep in touch with your friends and family, but weigh those benefits against the potential harm to your relationship.
Good luck and best wishes :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (31 January 2014):
 I have 2 social media accounts - Facebook, and I most recently joined instagram. Facebook is really to keep in touch with my friends and family who are scattered all over the world. I enjoy photography, so I like instagram for that. It's like my own online galery. A lot of my friends have deleted their facebook accounts because of the problems that arise. Two of my male friends, who deleted their accounts, said it caused problems in their romantic relationships. If a female friend left a flirty message on his page, his girlfriend would get jealous and give him hell for it. Truthfully he was flattered by the flirtatious comments, but he had no intention of cheating on his girlfriend.
I really don't take public comments too seriously. I have male and female friends who leave flirty comments, but I see it as a form of banter. It does not mean they are interested in me romantically, especially if the comments are public. It's the private messages that may contain serious interest.
I think it is your insecurity and self esteem issues that is creating this problem. Ok so your boyfriend has all these attractive ladies vying for his attention. He is not with them. He is with you. He chose to be with you. His connection to you is deeper than looks. You have a much better connection to him than with any of these girls.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2014): First of all, Facebook is popular for the fact people have easy access to large numbers of people.
Most people have it, because everybody else does. I'm like you, I'm doing just fine without it. Most of my friends are on FB; but they text me on the hour; and I get e-mails at work all day long.
People like being able to collect a lot of friends; it's easier than warming up to strangers; and they get to publicize their lives. If they're really outgoing, social media allows them to expand their popularity, and why wouldn't that be a huge benefit?
Being a more mature person; I don't rely on social media as much as someone half my age. I have established connections through networking. Connections that were formed over the years through all kinds of sources.
Work, social events, volunteer work, politics, and dating. I have an extensive list of phone numbers and e-mail addresses. I don't like my conservative employer snooping through my private-life. I'll tell you whatever you need to know. You don't have to go behind my back. You don't need to know how to get at my friends. I'm single until I TELL you otherwise.
Everybody I know, know exactly how to reach me. They can be quite relentless about it. I don't need a 1000 friends. I have a large family, real friends, and work associates. My colleagues can call me, if they need me. I like to chat.
I also like to hide and avoid intruders. I have manners; so I will answer within an hour or so. Maybe a day, if you're a real pain in the ass.
If I don't answer a voice-mail, I get a bunch of followup text messages until I do. I will also get e-mail; with all sorts of emoticons and snippy comments; or attachments to scold me for not responding within 15 seconds. You're not the boss of me. I'll get to you in due time.
I have a life and things I like to do. I work. I answer DC posts for the stimulation; and to offer my wisdom to people who need it. So social media is still a major part of my life.
I don't mind it. I make up for slow responses by hanging out with the people I love and treasure the most. You get me, all up-close and personal. Technology is around me all day. So getting away from it is what I have to do with my personal-time.
I'm a real friend. The kind you get hugs, kisses, and great gifts from. I'm there in-person when you need support. I use my intuition, and call you if I sense someone may need me. I love it when they say, "I was just going to call you!" No they weren't! They we just going to "text" me!
I don't Skype, or send InstaGrams, nor do I tweet.
I don't like being inundated with people's brain diarrhea.
My smartphone is saturated with videos, Instagrams,pics of body-parts, and junk from people who seem to have nothing better to do. I love them; but I also have to delete a lot of junk. I have a Nook; and it's used strictly for ebooks or reading. I'd spend all my time opening and deleting junk mail from everyone I know!
I value privacy, peace, and quiet. I set my phone to vibrate, or I silence it. People drive you crazy on weekends; because they aren't at work and can man their phones all day. They need someone to fill their empty schedules; so I'm always the backup "boyfriend." That's for men and women. I'm gay.
I think most people like constant chatter, and they must fill every moment possible. It's all an addiction.
Like MySpace, something will come along and replace Facebook. I'm sticking to traditional methods and maintaining my interpersonal skills. I get tons of stuff sent to me on my phone, regardless of my preferences; so you're a victim, if you're not a perpetrator.
You can't get away from it. I don't gauge how much people like me by the number of text messages I receive in a single hour. I don't get pissed off, if they don't respond to my messages within seconds. I'm too patient and mature for that. Many of my acquaintances have no patience; because they've lost it being able to interrupt or intrude anytime they like.
All things done in moderation usually workout pretty well for people. So my use of social media is limited. However;
I can't limit people trying to get to me. I don't want them to stop, just chill out.
If you're too reliant on social media, you will usually lose that human-element of communication; and it will become a problem as you've explained.
Too much information. Very little left to the imagination.
I have two text-messages that lit-up before I sat down to answer posts. It's Friday, so I'm expected to show up at happy hour. I'm winding down my day at work. I've been here since 6:00 am. Answering these posts here and there.
These guys go to happy hour every other day after work; so I don't really need to be reminded. That's the way people are. They own you, and your time.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2014): I personally find its all based on personal perference. I'm not saying it doesn't/hasn't caused problems for me and others but in the end those the bottom line of those problems was the person involved, not the site itself.
Some people use it more than others, like myself I post many photos on there, regularly update etc. I'm not the most popular person but then theres people who don't bother using it much. Personally I would feel like I'm missing out but it depends what you use it for.
If its causing insecurities in your relationship or friendships don't forget its the person(s) involved that are mainly to blame. I would raise your concerns with your bf and tell him how you feel about the comments from the girls. Do you know these people, as some are just like that but mean no harm. I'm someone who's stands strong to all this girls and boys being friends as I hate it when they can't because of their partners. But if you were to ask him to delete his account that could cause some issues and then you'd look like the insecure, jealous controlling one, which I'm sure your not.
If you have a good relationship I would say try not to worry, I get overly paranoid about things so I know it isn't easy but just talk to him. If people try to cause trouble he will defend himself and you as his gf if he doesn't then its his fault and then you should be questioning your future with him. Good luck and I'm sure you'll work it out.
...............................
|
