A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Any help would be appreciated, basically for a long long time now I've not been happy in my relationship, we have good times, but they're not anywhere near as frequent as our bad times, I've tried and tried, and I love him I just don't feel in love with him any more. We have been together 3 years and we have a baby together, I am completely dependant on him financially and am scared what would happen if we did break up as I'd need to support our child. Deep down I know I need to break up with him, but I feel so guilty about it and every time I try to tell him something holds me back and I bail. I don't know how to handle the situation and was wondering how other people would deal with it if in my situation? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): You need to start doing practical preparations to move on. Of course you're finding it too hard to tell him because you know once you do things are going to get very tough and then you're going to have to try and figure out how things are going work out financially and stuff after that. That's making things ten times harder.
I've had two breka ups where I was living with the person and the first time I was thinking like you, I wasn't happy, wanted out and finally told her but then we were stuck together for a little while because I had no out set up. The second time I was smarter about it. I had my finances sorted, I had a new place to live, I was ready to go when I told her and I moved out within a week because I was prepared and ready.
You need to sort out how you're going to get by after you break up before you go through with the act, you need to have everything set up or a plan you can enact it's as simple as that. Basically OP you need some security here otherwise you're stuck because you will have too much to deal with after the break up if you do it before you sort out the practical stuff. So just start going over that stuff now and start making arrangements for what's going to happen. Once you have a concrete plan you'll be far more confident in being able to do it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): "I am completely dependant on him financially and am scared what would happen if we did break up as I'd need to support our child."
No, HE'D have to support your child. He's working, you're not. Child support is child's right, his legal obligation and your legal responsibility to pursue in child's best interests.
Unfortunately biggest disadvantage of continuing to shack up without obligation or commitment after having a child together is that he has no obligation or commitment to support YOU; absent a marriage certificate what's his is his, there are no joint assets or property to divide, you have no claim to transitional or spousal support, you are not entitled to any part of future earnings as alimony.
"Scared of what would happen" is cop-out, responsible parents should anticipate the worst in order to be prepared in the event the seemingly unthinkable occurs. Fact of life is parents break up, dependent spouses and children's interests are protected by laws and judiciary; absent binding written or oral contract, dependent shack-ups are up bleep's creek should circumstances unexpectedly change. That's why marriage is more than "a piece of paper," it is a legal document and binding contract and partnership agreement under which both parties have equal rights and equal responsibilities.
". . .how other people would deal with it if in my situation?"
I have no idea, based on info given you are stuck in a bad situation but lack viable alternative(s) as you would be without home, income, transportation or liquid assets with zero chance of obtaining gainful employment; if you're lucky you have nearby family or friends willing to take in mother and baby while you navigate the process of applying for any type of available assistance while seeking temporary housing at homeless shelter or other government, religious or charitable facility, if you no place to go right away then you are really stuck.
Don't want to beat you over the head while you're down, but at same time you must bear some responsibility for current plight as you obviously neglected to take the necessary steps during pregnancy to adequately plan for any possible future contingency in order to ensure your child the best possible future, and not just in event of breakup.
How would you provide for baby and yourself if baby daddy
left for work tomorrow and was killed in a car crash or fatally shot during random robbery attempt or dropped dead from previously undetected medical condition? You'd have nothing, not even possiblity of child support, and you'd be in even direr straits due to circumstances beyond your control (but not beyond reasonable possibility).
I'd say for best interests of child you need to stay put for now and develop exit strategy, in any event you need to have "What if?" discussion to make sure he has safeguards in place to protect his child in event of sudden death or disability. Did he update any employment benefits or insurance to include child upon birth?
Best not to mix two, ensure child's legal rights and entitlements are all in order before easing into attempts to negotiate a shack-up dissolution, you've given no indication that he'd want to exploit your financial dependence as punishment or blackmail or vengeance, I'm sure he wants to ensure his child has a home with or without him, for time being baby might be better off in his custody as as working single parent he may have access to on-site day care at work, flexible hours or other benefits his employer may offer as incentives to working parents.
Live-in bedmates come and go, but children are a lifetime commitment, as an old fart it remains unfathomable to me that given nature provides sufficient time for prospective parents to prepare for impending seismic life-altering event, they usually don't plan beyond setting up a nursery.
Not trying to pile on, but highly irresponsible of you as a mother to allow yourself to be put in this position. What if he became chemically dependent or developed mental illness or physically assaulted you or suddenly posed similar unexpected threat to you or child? Or simply fell in love with another woman (or joined the other team)?
Sorry to ramble or preach, intent is maybe some reading of OP's plight might take necessary steps to avoid OP's plight. OP's post is typical in that worries and concerns expressed are strictly her own with child mentioned in passing as afterthought ("I'd need to support our child") and presumes her desire to break up with boyfriend supercedes his legal rights and obligations as father.
In any dispute between parents, I am always on the same side: the kids, since they have no voice they're the ones who ALWAYS suffer the most since far too many parents not only don't act in their kids best interests, they don't even consider them.
Who would you call first to pick up baby should you and baby daddy suffer minor injuries in car accident and require overnight observation while child unharmed thanks to car seat? If unreachable, who's back-up? Where would you go if you lost power or heat for several hours? Who is your legal next-of-kin should you require emergency surgery and are unable to sign consent? Where would child live in the event you die? Both parents die? Who is child's closest nearby maternal relative? Paternal?
Off soapbox.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 July 2012):
 Well if I were in your situation, I would be thinking about my child and wanting to make the relationship work for his/her sake. So I would go to couples counselling to try and salvage the relationship.
Alternatively I would be 100% honest with my partner and tell him that I am very unhappy and am thinking about leaving. Then you can get his view on the situation and see if he feels the same, or if he wants to try one last time. Often men dont realise how bad things are, they tend to bury their heads in the sand and pretend everything is ok. So it means that you as his partner need to make it crystal clear that you are on the verge of walking away so he fully understands that he is about to lose his girlfriend and child.
But if you are adamant there is no way you can make this work and you dont want to try anymore - then you need to look at how you are going to learn to support yourself and your child financially. You will have to get a job, so start looking on job sites so you can find something suitable. Speak to your parents and see how they can help you - or any other family members that live near by. Could you stay with them for a while until you get yourself up and running? Can they help with childcare during the day while you are at work?
Look online for government grants and benefits that you will qualify for once you become a single parent. And work out how much child maintenance your partner (or ex partner as he will become) will have to pay each month.
Once you are armed with all of this information you will be able to roughly work out how much income you will have a month so you will know if you can live by yourself, or if you are going to have to stay with family/friends.
You will also need to seek legal help to get a custody plan drawn up with access for the father to see his child.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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