A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife has been through so much her entire life and she definitely is a rock. She is the motivated type who when faced with a problem doesn't get flustered or crazy she just finds a solution and gets it done. There are times however that when something truly upsets her mostly personal/emotional issues that she just shuts down. She is never an emotional person, she is unselfish, and shows genuine happiness etc but when it comes to emotional pain she always says she is "fine" and carries on. When there is an issue we can normally talk it out but when things have gone to far she normally is the one to cut it off and walk away. It took her days to cry when she lost her grandmother. Things are very good in our relationship and we connect well but yesterday was exceptionally hard. She was dealing with issues all day with a family member whom she does not have a great relationship with, I knew from talking to her during the day what she was going through, when I got home from work she looked at asked me how my day was told me my dinner was in the kitchen and went to bed. This is not the first time this has happened, however, my heart broke for her. She will crawl into bed in a dark room put her hood up on her sweatshirt and pull the blankets up and just lie there. She doesn't deserve the treatment she gets but I went into comfort her and she was cold, almost defeated and short. She is recovering over the past year from a serious illness and is seeing a new counselor and we have seen a couples counselor as well to better our communication skills. I would love some advice on how to deal with her when it comes to this. Her emotional bearings are great I am sure. I know there is a lot going on and I would just love to know whats going on in her head. She says when she makes more progress with her therapist she wants me to come in but seeing her like this I am looking for tips to help her through these times and also to help me relate to her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all your input, each bit of insight was helpful. Her behavior is not a consistent thing but deep down inside I know she is hurting. I think what I got most from all the advise is that I am so used to seeing her in her "Superwoman" state of mind sometimes I think it hurts her so bad she needs to let that guard down and its easier for her to do that alone and in private rather than for the entire world to see. I think that when things get as bad as they do everyone deserves to runaway if only for a night.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): She is lucky to have you.
It might be wrong, but tell her you love her, be funny, be lighthearted ...
There is no place her pain can go so live in the moment with her & make it a good moment, I hope with so many good moments it will become a reality ....and the all consuming pain will just diminish to moments.
I wish you both all good things. X
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): OP what makes you think you have "deal with her"?
A person who likes to shut down, I can be one of those people needs to be left alone to sort out their head without any "help" until they're ready.
How you help is by making things easier for her. Day to day tasks, chores etc. remove any guilt she may have about letting things go that she should be doing. By all means don't ignore her and do of course keep her ticking by asking her about things letting her know what's going on.
But just leave her sort out the confusion and pain her mind on her own and don't press her into letting you help. Of course it's fine to let her know you're there, to reassure her but be patient and give her time.
Op the feeling of helplessness is the worst, but unless you know some magical way to reach into her mind and take the pain away then understanding and patience is all you can offer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): I call the times I shut everyone out my "10 minutes timeout", its usually over ten minutes but for my own sanity I have to shut everyone out and just be alone with my own thoughts, usually I get into bed too or when I am staying at my partners, I lock myself in the bathroom for a while as hr sleeps, he knows about these episodes however after several berevements and a my dad being very sick at the moment my partner understands that sometimes you can't keep your brave face on, as in your wifes case and sometimes you just need some time to break down, take off that mask and let yourself go. I have been to a counsellor who although didn't endorse this type of response, sometimes you have to keep your head above water during the day but allow yourself some time to express how you feel.My advice would be to respect this time she wants, don't try and fix what is going on in her head, instead when shuts herself out, give her time then maybe just hold her silently and let her come to you as her life partner she knows you are there for her you don't need to say it so just lay there with her, she will talk if she wants but you shouldn't make her, instead let her just feel safe and protected in an environment where she ia able to completely trust you with her emotions.All the best to you and your wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): I'm sorry that you're both going through a difficult time.My partner is a lot like your wife when it comes to expressing emotional pain.I would say be there for her when she needs you to be but at the same time give her space when she asks for it. When she doesn't want to talk about it, there are other ways you can show support. Through your actions for example. Do the little things that you know she appreciates without being obvious about it. She'll notice and appreciate it without feeling smothered.As long as she is not pushing you away constantly, and it's not a frequent occurrence in your relationship, I'd say let her cope with it in her own way. Just give her space and support. As much as you'd like to, you can't sort out what's in her head or heart.
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