A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Advice really really needed. How would you go about with a situation when you just can't let go of a person in your life. Both you and him are still very much in love and are both hurting very much. But in the past the guy has betrayed you in a very deliberate and nasty way and you just can't trust them and you have not yet forgiven him even though you want to (he also has not asked for forgiveness, only offered you a bunch of excuses in the past so he doesn't really desreve to be forgiven). Avoiding him is virtually impossible for practical reasons. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 July 2012):
 If you can't let go of this person it's because you CHOOSE to not let go of him. Just like he CHOSE to betray you.
As I see it "collecting" and holding on to people who are in one form or another toxic to you is never beneficial.
I don't know if you hope that you can "change" him or "pretend" what he did never happened, either way, I doubt either will happen.
If you want to working on forgiving him and leave the incident in the past, well b prepared that forgiving takes time. You need to figure out what you NEED/WANT from him in order to forgive, and I don't mean grand things or gestures but for some talking about it open and honestly can help. Knowing that the person regrets it, that they feel remorse about it can help.
Forgive yourself first. For being mad (it's OK) for not being able to know that he would do whatever he did (you really couldn't know) and lastly for wanting to move past it.
Don't prematurely forgive him. Do it when it feels right. When YOU have come to terms with it and when you do, put it behind and don't drag it up every time you argue.
If you can't to won't forgive, you do need to consider leaving. Because resentment will take over and make YOU feel in a way that is not healthy.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 July 2012):
 You can’t let go because you choose not to.
He betrayed you in a deliberate and nasty way… folks that are adults and in love do not do that. So even if you love him and want to believe he loves you, truly he does not.
You don’t trust him and probably never will.
His asking for forgiveness is not what causes you to forgive him. You can forgive him for doing what he did but not forget it and move on. Forgiving him does not mean you condone or accept his bad behavior… You don’t’ forgive him for HIM you forgive his behavior for YOURSELF so you can move on. Forgiveness is part of your closure.
Once you realize that forgiving (but not forgetting) his actions does not forgive his personality or accept that he did something mean and nasty and deliberate to you but rather you forgive the ACT so you can move on… then closure will come more easily.
Don’t forgive him for HIM, forgive him for YOU… then you can move on.
When you see him since you can’t avoid him, you will see him with sad eyes that pity him and feel bad for him that he could pretend to care for someone and yet hurt them so deeply… clearly he’s not adult enough to have mature relationships and he will be alone for a long time. You forgive his behavior and pity him for his inability to be a grown up. You have sorrow for what you feel you COULD have had but look at the fact that his behavior proves that your anger is about dreams you had not the reality of the situation. You are grieving a dream.
Time will help you see this… and help you move on….
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (5 July 2012):
 You just need to take small steps in a positive direction each day. There are no magic words or magical things you can do to get over someone. You need to surround yourself with friends and family and fill your days and nights with things you enjoy doing. Learn to find things to distract yourself from sitting around and thinking about him and what he did to you. If you cannot avoid him, distracting yourself is going to be harder. I am not sure if you work together, but this is one reason why starting a relationship at work is not always wise. If he betrayed you in a very deliberate and nasty way, then why would you say he is still very much in love with you? If someone is deliberate about betraying you, it doesn't sound like love to me. Sometimes you never completely get over a person, but you have to find ways to move on.
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