A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband has 3 children. 2 with me and 1 with his ex. That is pretty normal in todays society, I know, however he had his first child with me and his second with his ex. He got me pregnant and her like 4 months apart. After our daughter was born we split up because he wanted to be with the other girl and her kid more than he wanted to be with us. After a year of not speaking or asking about our daughter, she dumped him and he came back to me. He filed custody papers and put alot of effort into seeing his kid again but she ended up making it really difficult for him to see him and told him he couldnt see his kid until he gave her "her money" aka child support but he was unemployed at the time. He let it go and stopped going around. Its been almost 2 years since he last saw him and its taken me alot to get past it all but we do a good job of not bringing any of that up. Last night however, while i was changingg our 7 month old son he began talking about how our son sometimes reminds him about his son and whatnot whatnot and he started wondering outloud what he looks like and I happen to know a girl who hangs out with his ex and recently uploaded a picture of the 3 of them at his birthday party and i felt obligated to show him it. He went on to ask me if he looked like him blah blah blah i went along said he has his ears and then later while talking about our daughter he says that she doesnt have either of our ears and asking me "jokingly" who she got them from. Which really annoyed me cause when he was with his ex she was claiming that he and his family didnt believe my daughter was his and we had had arguments before about his little jokes being hurtful. Anyways I acted like whatever I let it go because Ive been trying not to let the past get to me and have been doing awesome at it for the past 3 days but having that conversation with him and showing him that picture just made me angry and I feel like i took two steps back in my progress. I kinda wish we could just pretend his other kid doesnt exist. It sounds harsh but he shouldve never happened and i hate his ex with all my heart. Has anyone been or is living through a situation similar? How do you cope with a "lovechild" ? Am I being immature or a total scrooge?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 April 2015):
 He shouldn't be guessing about things like child support. She could go back and ask for it again and suddenly he'll face a huge bill.
Get a lawyer and get it sorted out. This isn't something to be left to guesswork. Don't do it for him, do it for your two children. Get a DNA test done as he seems to be questioning his paternity.
Your self-esteem and your body issues are really at the core of your concerns here. And your lack of trust in your partner. Which is understandable as he seems to be a bit wobbly on monogamy. And somewhat snarky on the paternity of your oldest child.
As he has a history of disappearing entirely for long periods of time, if I were you, I'd go see a lawyer, pro bono if you can't afford one, and find out what you need to do to ensure he remains financially responsible for the children you two have.
As for the feelings that she's better looking than you and that he might go back to her because of that, well, looks are fleeting and if he's that shallow, let him go.
You might be able to find a referral here: thehotline.org
The children's interests should come first, then yours. They can't fend for themselves, they rely on you and him to provide for them. If he's as flaky as you portray then you need to get some legal help in ensuring their futures aren't at the whim of a guy whose compass is his penis.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe was getting child support taken from his checks and out of nowhere he stopped getting it removed after she said she didnt want it from him so Im guessing she took it off? We really havent even tried to investigate anything really. I figured if she took it off, better for us and just left it at that. He deleted his social medias so he doesnt have the proof of her saying she didnt want anything from him although we probably shouldve screenshot it or something. She did just recently have a kid with her new bf so I dont know if that has anything to do with whats going on with the child support. She doesnt interfere at all its just a pride issue with me because we have friends in common and I hate to see her and feel like shes superior look-wise when I never struggled with insecurity issues before. I never even bothered to compare us before I got back with my ex because I didnt think she was prettier at all but now I feel like i got ugly and she became gorgeous or something. Its all in my head, but I do have that fear in the back of my mind that when they come in contact with eachother because of the kid they share that he'll suddenly remember how attracted he is to her and become sad to be stuck with me. That is where them having a child becomes a stone in my shoe because if he wasnt there then I wouldnt have to worry about them talking or having to get along because as of right now they hate each other and have no reason to talk.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 April 2015):
 I hope to GOODNESS that he has proof (written) that SHE has refused child support - because in MANY states SHE can (if her current BF leaves) DEMAND back paid child support from your BF.
My advice - Tell your BF to contact a lawyer, ASK for a DNA test, SHOW that he is willing to pay child support and get visitations. SHE doesn't HAVE the right to deny him. I think your BF tried to minimize the drama HE CAUSED by having 2 kids back to back with 2 women, not for the kids sake, but for HIS.
Did she go to court to stop the Child support? Because she can't just say I don't want the money and poof no more child support. Or is that the story your BF is telling you. This is NOT adding up.
A friend of ours was "informed" that he had 3 years prior fathered a child and now owed 3 years worth of child support - and the poor bugger couldn't even contest the DNA/paternity (because you are given 45 days from child's birth to contest it in some states) And the mother doesn't HAVE to notify the "alleged" father. The reason she all of a sudden wanted CS was because her BF had left her and she needed a new meal ticket. He actually didn't KNOW 100% if the kid was his till she turned 18 and ASKED him for a DNA test, which proved he WAS the dad.
Don't blame the kid. That is my best advice. The poor baby had no say in all this.
As for her being prettier... so what? I BET you there are thousands of women out there who are prettier, smarter, sexier...... SHE is an ex. HE chose to BE with you, YOU chose to have a SECOND baby with him.
So she is prettier, WHO cares? It's WASTING your emotions being jealous and insecure over this woman. Because? YOU CAN'T CHANGE the fact that MAYBE she is prettier than you. LOOKS doesn't mean anything when it comes to long term relationship and love. You don't LOVE one of your kids more because that child is "prettier" do you? You are NOT less worthy than her.
ACCEPT that she has a child by your man too. And honestly it seems like she isn't really interfering in YOUR home life. She isn't making demands on his time, attention OR money.
But you HAVE to accept that your man is CURIOUS about his other child.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe would take things for him to her house but they wouldnt open the door. After a while we moved to a different city and once he became steadily employed he began paying child support and tried to contact her again but she told him NOW she didnt want or need anything from him and that she found someone new for her son to call dad when all my husband was doing was asking how his son was not even saying oh hey let me see him. And then she proceeded to block him from every social media he could contact her through and removed the child support. So he is trying to provide for him not just my kids & with me its a roller coaster sometimes I wish we could have his son here with us but at the same time It kills me to think that she will always be part of my life because she had a kid with my husband. Shes so pretty and I feel like shes prettier than me so it just makes me feel like everyone sees it and in their heads are like oh shes so much better even though shes acting like a complete biatch by not letting them be part of his sons life. Its a matter of insecurity and jealousy mixed together and although im trying to get past it how does a woman truely get past feeling insecure when up against someone she believes is more attractive?
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (7 April 2015):
 Inexcusable*
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (7 April 2015):
He needs to stop having kids if he can't provide for them, or at least provide some child support.
You're only human, so it's natural to feel jealous and angry of the situation. However, this child is his own flesh and blood. He already hasn't bothered to see this kid in two years. Unexcusable if you ask me. You may not like this woman, and you inadvertently may not like his child because of the situation, but that doesn't change the fact that this kid is his, and it would be wrong to attempt to prevent him from having a relationship with him, or at least to discourage him from a relationship.
I get that you wish that this other kid didn't exist, as it would make life so much easier, but he does. And it's not the kids fault at all. The kid is blameless. It's your husband who screwed up royally, knocking up two women pretty much at the same time. Very low down. The sooner you can learn to accept this other woman and their child exists and that he should do everything in his power to support ALL of his children (not just yours), the sooner you may find some inner peace. I know this can't be an easy situation, however, it's a reality. You can hold on to this anger, resentment, and hatred forever, or you can try to be rational and level-headed about it. You did the right thing in showing him the picture. Just try to maintain that level of respect from here on out, and hopefully, over the course of time, you'll learn to accept the situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2015): My ex partner found out,when he was 16, that he had a half brother who had been a 'love child' which his mum had when she was 18, with a much older, married man.She had been forced by her parents to have the child adopted. Everyone else in the family knew except my ex partner and his younger brother.What I want to say to you, though, is that when my ex partner's Mum married and had him and his brother, her husband (my ex's Dad) wouldn't ever allow her to discuss the adopted baby boy - I mean, in private, between them. He just absolutely would not discuss it at all.Over the years, this woman became a nervous wreck and far, far too clingy to her two sons, ruining their lives because she constantly controlled their every move and wouldn't let them stand on their own two feet. Undernath all of this was a desparate need for counselling and help and discussion about what had happened to her and how traumatic she still found it being not only separated from her son, but other people that were supposed to love her just forcing her not to discuss it, just as her parents had forced her to go through with an adoption. She became an incredibly dominant woman, not allowing anyone to even have a 'say' in things, let alone dominate her in any way.Obviously you are in a slightly different situation now as you are the female partner. And your man IS behaving both immaturely AND maturely at the same time; he wants to have a relationship with his child and he cares about the child. But for whatever reason he's not been allowed access. THAT in itself is going to cause him some psychological hang ups and stop him from maturing IN THE WAY THAT HE WANTED TO.He wanted to do the mature thing and couldn't due to other people's decisions. Hence, as a result, he's developed this very immature way of talking to you sometimes, but not all the time. He's trying to share his pain and feelings with you and THEN it's as if the only way he can MAN UP again and protect himself is by insulting you - I'd see beyond this for now and realise this immaturity is probably his way of protecting himself and of expressing a lot of pain. BUT it's not acceptable in the longer term. I know you find it hard, but I'd keep talking about it with him. Perhaps even take the initiative and be the first to bring up the issue. He will probably be surprised that you do, but relieved that you're not just waiting for him to do it. Some sort of action needs to be taken, on a practical level, for him to feel that he can have connection with his own child and your child's half brother. If he feels he has that, he will be a lot calmer and nicer in himself because he will feel he is at least 'on the right track'. He WANTS to do the right thing and make the best of a bad situation and that's something.In terms of my ex and his elder, half brother. Finally his MUm traced him and they met up. He was very, very angry with her and not really a pleasant guy at first. He accused her of being a 'loose woman'. My ex had a lot of difficulty bonding with him as a brother because he'd been used to acting like the elder sibling and then had to try to understand he was, in some senses, a middle child.The Mum had actually always wanted to trace and find him and the fact that she didn't made things much harder for the now grown up son - he felt doubly betrayed that she didn't find him sooner. She tried to explain she was forced not to discuss him and that, for a while, made things worse as the son simply didn't understand.Now, however, and thanks to him having a very loving wife, the wife has helped him to talk through with the Mum everything that they both feel and things are on the mend. Had it all been discussed openly, and tackled earlier on a practical level, I've no doubt things would be better for all involved.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 April 2015):
Are you being immature? Not really, but you ARE being unfair. The KIDS he MADE with her didn't HAVE a choice in all this. It's a CHILD. Don't HATE on a kid. It's petty and unbecoming. Hating the EX? Doesn't help you either. It just makes you look jealous. After ALL you DECIDED to have a SECOND child with this guy. A GUY who knocked up TWO girls BACK TO BACK. The anger you feel should NOT be directed at the ex or her child. But AT your husband. He sounds a tad immature.
As for your husband's RIDICULOUS comment about ears... I'd tell him STRAIGHT out that it is hurtful when he says crap like that, and IF he has ANY doubt, do a DNA test because you will NOT listen to any more BS "jokes" about the paternity.
I think showing the picture was the RIGHT thing to do. I think THAT showed more maturity then your BF is showing. UNEMPLOYED or not, HE FATHERED that child and should TAKE some freaking responsibility (financially at least) for the kid.
As for how do you cope? I accept that the kid an the EX are there. They may not be a part of your life, but they ARE your KIDS HALF-BROTHER and his mother. If you can't handle talking to your husband about the kid, change the subject if he brings it up. I have 3 step children (well not children any more - they are all in their 20's now) And I CARE for them too. They are my HUSBAND's kids, so part of him and therefore part of my extended family.
My advice, LET the hate go. It's pointless.
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