A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How do we split bills in this one of a kind situation?I am in my 40's, female, and currently own a business, pay a mortgage on my home, and support 3 kids. The business is steady in the last year but not nearly as profitable as it once was. I do not receive child support from the kid's father. I have been dating a nice man who is the same age. He has 2 children both grown. We have a great connection together and he has a great connection with my kids. Since his divorce (about a year ago) he has been staying in his RV to save money and pay off bills. He does not have alimony or child support obligations. Currently, he stays with me at my home 6-7 days a week because we cannot stand to be apart.My question is; in a situation like ours, how do we fairly split up bills? We have discussed "officially" moving in together (not marriage) but somehow cannot pinpoint the happy medium on what is fair to pay and what is not? Origianally I figured he would pay 1/2 the utilities and mortgage. But since he is not paying very much for rent now for RV spot, moving in with me would be a definite increase in all areas. Also since I own the home and all in it inevitably since we are not married the stuff would still be mine if things did not work out. Another concern is since I have kids should I divide the cost of the mortgage, utilites and property taxes by 5 then? or maybe by 4? or by 3? what is realistic here. Should I add in the cost of his home then also in it all? We can store it for free but the RV will still have a balance owed on it. So do I figure that in and divide it by what? I feel like its not fair to divide the cost by 5 since 3 out of my 4 do not work and are school aged. I realize I support them all now and maybe that is what is fair. But dividing the bills in fifths ends up paying for his RV mortgage on his end and deducting my monthly bills by $200.00/mth. So do I say just give me $200/month then and lets pay our own bills? Hardly seems right somehow. Shoot, renting an apparment would be more than that. He is paying more than that now.Just for the record, my boyfriend has a great job and makes double what I make a year or more. I realize this perhaps does not make a difference in this question but still important in understanding the situation. My fear is that we keep living the way we are now and somewhere down the line one of us will get resentful. It breaks my heart to think we have no viable options or answers. We just have been living on love without thought. I love him and want him in my life. I am not looking for a daddy as he well knows, nor somewhere to financially support me, for I have been and plan to continue doing that all on my own. So please can you tell me what is fair to expect in this situation?Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (12 June 2010):
 I guess the only thing you can do is tell him how you feel. You could give him an ultimatum with a time stamped in stone date, but be cautious. Unless you are really willing to walk away from the relationship, ultimatums could turn out for the worse esp. if you fail to live up to your end of the bargain. This could result in a free pass to ignore future ultimatums.
I don't think you should settle on him never tying the knot. You really do deserve more than that. He should know by know if you are the one. Even if you have told him before, tell him again how much it means for you to solidify the marriage by an exchange in vows.
Good Luck!
Jeff
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both so much for your thoughts and answers. I have discussed your options further with my boyfriend and it now seems that in fact the money separation is not the true issue but rather he is just not ready to be commited. He explains that after several failed marriages he needs to be more careful and more cautious. I truly understand those thoughts but unfortunately moved to that other level whether he chooses to admit it or not. So I am left very confused and I hate to admit hurt about it all. I feel the need to instead discontinue what we started and instead regress back to weekends kids are gone or maybe weekends in general. I do not like that option nor does he. So am I over reacting here? Is it wrong to feel hurt in this situation? I want to make the right moves here but not sure what to do or how to feel.
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (10 June 2010):
What is fair? It's really a tough question to answer. But after analyzing the question for a few minutes, here is what I have come up with:
Before you two met, you were paying your living expenses and he was paying his. He already lived in a camper (RV) in order to save and pay down a few bills, and you and your kids were living in a house. So really, if you put the relationship to the side for a minute and analyze just the money, he shouldn't owe you rent at all. If anything, he owes you 1/2 the utilities and food. If anything, this is what he is getting by living in your house 6-7 days a week. He still has an RV payment, RV utilities, and RV lot rental. I am not saying that your and his living expenses are equal (i know you are paying more to live) but this was the situation before you two starting dating.
Had you moved into a bigger house to accomidate him moving in, then indeed he would owe you rent. Also, if he had sold the RV and was living in your house as his only residence, this would also change my answer completly. He would then owe you half of everything. But in reality, he is still holding down another residence. I know it isn't what you are paying, but that what he had before you two got together.
If you thing that's unfair, how about living in the RV half the time. That would be fair, but I know you won't because of the kids and thats understandable too.
Also, from what you write, it doesn't appear that he is mooching off of you. You both seem like two people that have fallen in love, but just haven't tied the knot.
I don't blame you for wanting to split the bills down the center, but it really isn't reasonable and might not be in your best intrest anyways. If you two split up, and he were a paying tenant, you might be forced to evict him. He might have a legal justification to stay in the home reguardless of the current state of your relationship. So that is something to think about too.
The whole problem would sort itself out if you two quit playing house, and get married. I know that's a big step, and I do admire you you not rushing into a marriage.
I know that isn't the answer you wanted, but if you think about it, it is fair.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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