A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I are in a LDR for the next many months. He treats me well and everything is going fine. But I'm worried about our relationship deteriorating because of some things. 1. Although he's committed, he gets bored easily 2. His sexuality is only when we are in real together 3. I think he finds me only borderline attractive physically or otherwise..we fell in love with each other due to a combination of several other factors of compatibility. He admits to being shallow and calculative 4. Unlike me, he's not easily satisfied in life. He keeps needing challenges and excitement, which seem hard during this pandemic..he even wants us to have conflicts and I am a calm and mature person. I have no control over any of these factors I'm bothered by. Basically we are very different in our personalities but compatiable mentally and emotionally. On one hand I am burned out trying to be my best version in the relationship and many things are on my plate in terms of work and other goals. But I find myself worried with the slightest sensing of his boredom or lack of enthusiasm!!! Maybe it is the absense of sexual connection. I don't know. Once a worry takes over, I tend to get all hardened and closed emotionally and start guarding my vulnerable self. (That seems to be my coping mechanism when I fear heartbreak)I think I keep gettimg paranoid. I sometimes deliberately induce worries to "get prepared" in case he turns up one day and tells it's not working out..I'm bored with you/find you unattractive/ dislike our situation. What would be a better approach to deal with this whole thing? He always encourages to share my feelings or if something bothers me. I'm however scared to share any of these thoughts..again I worry if that would spoil something good that we have. How can I address the elephant in the room every now and then without saying something inappropriate or damaging?? I know he's losing excitement because of the LDR (may be even I am). How can I revive things? He's too "decent" for not-in-person- sex. Because of the pandemic, there is nothing to share about each other's social life either. Sometimes I wish he was a simple minded person like me. I'm almost a hermit at heart. Only my thoughts tend to be complex and deep. Given a chance, I do enjoy fanciness, exciting things and attention but I was brought up to be simple and down to earth. (I'd say I'm too proud of and attach my identity to those qualities as well)
View related questions:
fell in love, fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2021): Let's call what you're experiencing "LDR-fatigue."
Compatibility is a major factor in establishing yourself a durable and interactive-relationship on different levels. You can't expect people to adapt to your ways; if you're not willing and able to adapt to theirs. Let's get those facts out of the way first.
Now lets look at the bigger picture.
Relationships are give and take; and only expecting everyone to adjust to your ways is selfish. You have to be flexible and open-minded; or choose someone preprogrammed to fit your inflexible criteria. You have every right to stick to your identity, and stay within your comfort-zone. Then it is illogical, and makes no sense, to fret and have anxieties; because he doesn't conform to what you want or like. Meanwhile, you're unable (unwilling) to reciprocate what you receive; or adapt to his needs in the relationship.
Men and women handle things differently, because we are different. We have the same emotions; but some of our behavior is gender-specific. Physically, we can mimic the gestures or behavior of the opposite-sex; but nature made us different for a reason. He doesn't emote about your LDR like you do, and that worries you. That's because he may internalize his feelings; while you're comfortable to expose and freely express yours openly. Part of this is from our conditioning, or from what we've learned; and some things just come natural. Don't get me wrong, you need his feedback; or else you're pouring your feelings and emotions into an empty vessel. I'm just saying it might be hard to express his emotions, or give you those "natural/personal/organic" signals you're craving exclusively through a device.
Men get just as emotional as women; but we are taught from little boys not to be sissies. Not to cry, pout, or fret openly. While it's all going-on on the inside; being suppressed and contained. He may worry that you're losing interest too; but instead of being openly emotional, he defers his insecurities to other outlets. He tries to pick lover's quarrels; so you can get it all out by emotionalizing your feelings, he needs your feminine-feedback; and he needs to give the relationship a jolt of drama. He tries to show you his emotional-fortitude and manliness; because society defines and distinguishes male or female behavior; and will quickly brand you with a stigma, if you're effeminate or show weakness. We all find ourselves consciously or subconsciously trying to behave "manly/macho" or "feminine/delicate"; and avoiding any behavior that makes us look otherwise.
You reach a point in long-distanced relationships where your human-nature kicks-in; and demands to have what comes through in a "natural-way."
Human beings need personal-interaction, we need affection, we need warmth, and coddling. We need to be in the presence of another warm-body. Like when you were a baby, and your mother put you down; you immediately felt insecure, isolated, and the separation-anxiety would become so overwhelming you felt abandoned and afraid. Your human-reaction was to cry-out; because we needed the security and feeling of safety, resting in our mother's or father's arms. Naturally when you don't have the security of "closeness" and attachment, you start feeling that anxiety; and your mind probably takes you all over place. Planting all sorts of possible abandonment-scenarios in your head. What you feel is natural and normal. You need him to be near you; but that doesn't necessarily cure your neediness, or insecurity. It only gives you a better sense that he "wants" to be near you. His visible and actual physical-presence reassures you. Those baby-rockers and automatic-bouncers don't substitute for sitting in mama's lap; and hearing her heartbeat when you rest your head against her bosom. Using devices and face-timing between iPhones doesn't substitute for reaching-out and touching your boo (affectionate slang for beau).
If you find yourself feeling too isolated and detached, maybe it is time you let-go of this LDR. Go find yourself a relationship that satisfies all the natural-senses in real-time. Learn more how to interact on a human-level, instead of using a device to hide or disguise your flaws. I know it's the modern-way to think you can conduct relationships electronically and through technology; but you are an organic creature. Your human senses require biological and natural stimulation. You need physical-affection; because receiving strictly-visual exchange is not enough.
You can hold-on to your LDR as long as you can control your fear of abandonment and insecurities; but if they are beginning to stress you out, you need to consider what's healthier and more emotionally-satisfying to you. Otherwise, you have to adapt more to his ways; and not insist on remaining stubborn, without even considering being more flexible and accommodating to his personality.
|
