A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend was found guilty in court due to his part in the looting that took place during the London riots. He is beyond embarrassed and his family are very traditional and let him know in no uncertain terms that, as the oldest son, he has disgraced himself.I tried to support him the best I could in the lead up to his trial. However, he kept everyone in the dark about when he was due to be sentenced. Six weeks ago he literally disappeared. After a couple days I found out that he had been sentenced to a 20-month and his earliest release date is September through enquiries at the court.I have written him everyday for 6 weeks trying to reassure him, keep his spirits up, let him know what’s going on. I send him books, money, pictures and cards. The thing is he hasn’t contacted anyone. Not me and none of his friends. His family have closed ranks and are telling everyone he’s gone travelling or simply won’t answer the phone to people calling up concerned by his disappearance.His friends don’t know what I know and I haven’t told them either. I’ve asked him to write just to let me know he’s ok. Nothing. Before you ask, we are in a serious relationship and I’ve met some of his family members but not his mum. He’s not on drugs and can look after himself. And yes he is receiving my letters. I just don’t understand why he won’t write back. Any viewpoints on his behaviour are welcome. I really don’t need a rant about what he’s done wrong because I’ve already heard it. I need help on how to get through this. I don’t know what to do. It’s really stressing me out.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): This man has lost all respect for him self he thinks hes worthless , reassure him hes more then what he thinks he is. Mention to him that hes stronger tell him all the good things he was good at give him some self esteem so he can walk proud again. He is a man therefore his pride has been broken by his family telling him he is a discgrace. Tell him your here for him and that you love him. And then dont send him another letter let this be your last letter. He needs time to think and to heal his self esteem. Tell him you will no longer contact him until he is ready to talk. Mention to him all the good things he has done and all the positive changes he did in you and to others.Do not bug him after this letter , because he will think your annoying. He is depressed so he does not want to hear anyone. 1 letter telling him all this will change him. you have to write the letter from your heart and really make him think so you can make a change.Sincerly the anonymous human.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 May 2012):
 The way you get through it is to continue living your life. You're not in jail. And presumably you have a job, bills to pay, a family of your own and friends. He's 'beyond embarrassed'. What about remorseful? Embarrassed is for and about himself. Remorseful is an awareness of the injury done to others. Nor does he appear to be concerned with the further injury done to those affiliated with him, those who care. What you're doing, this frantic letter writing and the constant reassurances, all serve to focus the attention on him. It's encouraging him to withdraw into himself. I don't suggest you out him to all his friends and rub his face in it or anything, but you should be more matter of fact about this and concerned about your own future. And he should be the one on the frantic letter writing campaign. Leave him alone and don't make any more attempts at contact, directly or indirectly. And screw tracking down what prison he's in. YOU didn't put others at risk. YOU haven't broken any laws. Why the hell should you be looking up prisons?Leave him alone. When he doesn't hear from anyone he'll eventually crawl out of his shell. In the meantime you live your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2012): Hi, your b/f is deeply ashamed. He is holding this inside. He could very well be depressed because he is so ashamed at his actions. Hes in prison with a record because of a very grave crime. He probably wishes the clocks could be turned back, and his life was like it was before the riots. This cant happen, so if he gets out of everyones life then their lives in his eyes will be a whole lot better, and maybe their lives if not his can go back to normal. Ofcourse this wont happen because everyone who has had him in their lives and who love him cannot go back to normal, and wont forget him even if he thinks they can. If you do get to find him and see him, let him know you love him and you will only be able to move on with him if he learns to forgive himself and to learn from this. His family will come round because at the end of the day they love him and would rather have him in their lives than not be. Its one incident, which he got sweeped up in and he is not a serial criminal. Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (13 May 2012):
 Do you know what prison he is in? I would imagine that as his partner you could find that out. I would start by finding where he is, then approaching the prison. I don't know how it works, but maybe you could visit.
It all seems odd, and particularly odd that he shouldn't reply, but men sometimes behave very strangely when they feel ashamed. I would try and track him down, because this is also very difficult for you. There must be some support or something for you - I really think you should start with the court or the police.
But September isn't too long, either. Don't stress. He'll be ok. So will you.
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