A
male
age
41-50,
*orontoJohn
writes:Ive been in a long-term long-distance relationship for over 3 years. We've had our share of challenges including trying to keep our sex life heated up. Our sex life has not been great for more than a year now. The distance keeps us apart for weeks at a time and our intimacy definitely suffers because of it. We've tried phonesex and cybersex, but I can tell that she just isnt into that stuff. She's gained some weight over the years and says that she doesn't feel "sexy". I think this has affected our love life. She speaks negatively of herself and only likes being on the bottom. Im a very visual person that likes "seeing" different angles and parts of her. In turn I have been less and less aroused and interested in having sex with her. I dont have an issue with her weight. I like her curves, but I just wish she was more sexual, wild and horny - the way she used to be.I know that all couples that have been together for a long time can loose that "spark" and it takes work. Lately though i find myself un-attracted to her for being so down, negative and not even trying to look sexy sometimes. Ive tried paying compliments and supporting her loosing weight - without harping on it of course, but things haven't changed for a very long time. Now it has gotten to a point where id rather masturbate than have sex with her. For the last year we've only had sex once every few weeks/month and only when im about to leave to head back home. It feels like she's doing it because she "should". I'm a very sexual person and im horny a lot. She knows I masturbate when we are apart. She knows that I watch porn to get myself off. Ive asked her to send me sexy pictures of herself that I can use when I cant be with her, but she doesnt want to. I respect that but I still wish she would.This long story leads to my dilemma: I think I enjoy porn and masturbating more than having sex with my girlfriend. I loved sex when it was hot, varied, spontaneous and frequent, but now I just feel like we're going through the motions. I want to keep her happy. But there are times that I have "faked it" after getting her off so that I could go and masturbate to something hotter and wilder online. I feel guilty for it, but i just am not "feeling it" these days. I feel like she is "fitting me in" because im her boyfriend. Maybe she is faking it too? I dont know. Is anyone else having these issues? I dont think im a "porn addict", but lately it is something that makes me hornier than the real thing. Ive watched lesbian porn with my gf before and she got really wet watching it. That was exciting. I just wonder if we turn each other on as much as we used to...and how do we get that naughty spark back?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (12 January 2010):
 In my opinion, "Skit16" gets it right to talk with her AND LISTEN. But I suspect that you have done that repeatedly. And "softtouchmale2003" really speaks very well about what you can possibly do.
My wondering is whether you have applied ample oral satisfaction for her. Few women do not get all juiced-up with a talented tongue. And if properly stimulated and satisfied, she may enthusiastically exceed your pornography fantasies. Do be very resistant to the porno addiction and masturbation - reality is still much better.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (11 January 2010):
 Skit16 has it right mostly.
Its not your woman's body, its her. Who she is inside. If you want to enjoy a good sex life, then you two have to start thinking exactly what you were thinking at the beginning. That is hot, varied, kinky and enjoyable. To me weight should never be an issue here. If you have to look at her and she turns you off because of body fat, then what are you in love with? Her or her body.
A woman feels sexy when she's loved and adored because of who she is inside.
Try and be more gentle with her, connect with her emotionally and most of all try and make more time for each other. This LDR stuff isn't going to help. You need skin on skin not porn and masturbation. All the porn and masturbation does is turn YOU into a sex-addict and does nothing to please your woman.
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A
female
reader, Skit16 +, writes (11 January 2010):
 ok sweetie, lets talk about this lady of yours first. Have you tried sitting her down and firmly telling her that her body is still sexy, but its her attitude that sucks? Perhaps you could write a list of things about her body that you adore. if porn gets you off more than she does, maybe you should combine the two. Perhaps you could watch porn while making love to her or before making love to her, if she's okay with it. If she was more at peace with her body, I would have reccomended that you tape yourselves having sex one night and the two of you have a sexy watch party in your bed. Maybe instead of you masturbating on your own, the two of you could do it together. You just have to find the things that work best for you two....but a serious talk between the two of you is needed before you can get a spark going. Good luck!
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