A
female
age
30-35,
*idnights2star
writes:my boyfriend and i have been together for over 3 years. we have been through hell and back (in terms of family troubles, personal troubles, etc. that we have helped each other through). since the day we met it has been an instant spark and our relationship has always been extremely passionate; we fell deeply in love right away. our personality, ways of thinking and viewing life, and humor meshes so perfectly, we are each others' #1 best friend and would die for the other in a heartbeat. we dream of the day that i am finally done with all my schooling for med school and beyond and we can get a house and settle down and have a family. he is the most amazing man and always puts me as his top priority; i know that at a drop of a hat if i was in need, no matter how ridiculous, he would be there for me no questions asked, and same goes for me. we have that relationship where you just Know that you've found it; real, true love and a soul mate. trust me that is saying a lot coming from someone who used to 100% believe love was a sham.we began having fights like normal but we really started hitting some trouble last year when it started becoming a constant thing. they can range from idiotic pointless fights to subjects about other girls; his girl-friends, ex's, etc. See, i have no doubt in my mind that he has or ever will be unfaithful and Never has given me reason to doubt it but i am in general a jealous person and find it Very hard to trust people. i have never in my life opened up to anyone; my bf is the only person in the world who knows Some of the personal things about me and i started sharing them with him only just last year.the problem with me is that i also get angry way too easily; i grew up in a home where all there ever was was yelling and fighting, so oftentimes i found myself uncontrollably shaking with anger and yelling at my bf which i know is wrong. i have learned to drastically control that but most of the time i get ticked off and start arguments about little things, And even if we resolve it I can't seem to let the anger go. i don't know how to stop; i want to very much! i see that it is hurting us.his problem is that Even when I am calm and try to talk to him about something that bothers me (I clearly express that i am not mad and just want to talk), he automatically clams up and can't communicate. all he does is listen to me talk and talk and then say Okay, or Sorry, or I understand, or other one word answers. or if i ask his opinion or ask a question he says I Dont Know. ALWAYS. it is so frustrating to get him to say one word. sometimes i find out Later that he had disagreed with me but just said he agreed to make me happy; i want him to just tell me what he is Feeling. and almost Always, he makes some type of joke/sarcastic comment and it bugs me so MUCH. and even when i say Please stop making jokes, I'm being serious; he goes and makes a Joke. at that moment, i get triggered into P.O.ed mood bc it feels like he is outright doing it to my face or hurting me, even though i know thats not what it is when ive calmed down later. is this wrong of me to get so mad at these things? he says the joking thing is just who he is/how he deals with trouble and he isn't mocking me or doesn't take me seriously, its just how he reacts.then what happens is that we will fight and then end up talking about it for 2-3 hours until it becomes pointless, so much so that we both get so upset afterwards for having wasted so much time and energy being upset over nothing. but the worst is that he will say "Okay, i wont joke around, or ill communicate more, etc. when we are being serious because it bothers you." But then next time we argue, All of those Same Things happen. its gotten to a point where i want it to stop and hate fighting over the same things, so i want to talk it out and find alternate solutions, and then he says im over complicating it. he says soemtimes he just really cant help himself from making jokes, or sometimes it seems im asking him to say just the right thing and i push him or get upset bc im looking for a specific answer from him. at this point, he has suggested more than once that he just completely stop joking around with me just so he can de-condition himself from doing it during serious talks/fights. I'm being serious. This is ridiculous! I dont want him to change who he is and resent me for it! he says he wants to do it and wants to do anything possible to resolve our issues and if never joking around/losing his humor will make me happy, he will be happy too.we can't seem to get out of this "rut" where the majority of the time we are So happy, but then we get into one or two fights and it just seems to negate all that happiness and make us both feel so tired/broken. breaking up/taking a break is not rly an option; we have discussed/tried taking a break but it Doesnt work! we literally cannot go one day without at least checking up on or talking with each other. we both Think that the problem is that our relationship took off So fast and since we became so comfortable with each other, we never went through that awkward, getting-to-know-each-other-and-not-ready-to-fart/go-to-the-bathroom-in-front-of-the-other phase. we didnt allow ourselves to Learn about each other; how we fight, how we deal with stress, how we deal with problems, how we defend ourselves, how we react, etc. Do you think this is what the problem is?How do we fix us??Please Help!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2012): "we both Think that the problem is that our relationship took off So fast and since we became so comfortable with each other, "
No I don't think this is the problem at all.
This is the problem: "the problem with me is that i also get angry way too easily; i grew up in a home where all there ever was was yelling and fighting, so oftentimes i found myself uncontrollably shaking with anger and yelling at my bf which i know is wrong. i have learned to drastically control that but most of the time i get ticked off and start arguments about little things, And even if we resolve it I can't seem to let the anger go."
And now as for his behavior: "his problem is that Even when I am calm and try to talk to him about something that bothers me (I clearly express that i am not mad and just want to talk), he automatically clams up and can't communicate. all he does is listen to me talk and talk and then say Okay, or Sorry, "
his behavior is NOT the problem. Yours is. His behavior is a perfectly normal and natural and unavoidable response to YOUR behavior and how YOU have conditioned him to behave. You have a history of flying off the handle at him over small things (even though you say you've learned to tone it down, the damage could already have been done or you haven't been successful often enough or consistent enough to make any real difference to him). It's only normal and natural that you've now conditioned him to clam up and say nothing, if he has no way to know when anything he says is just going to result in more "punishment" coming his way.
If you make it unpleasant for him to be honest with you, then he's not going to be honest to you. If you're unpredictable - sometimes you're fine and calm and in control don't go off on him, but other days you do - then you're basically conditioning him to feel on edge all the time where he has to play it safe by clamming up, because he never knows which mood you're gonna be in so he has to play it safe and clam up just in case today is one of those days when you're going to get mad.
"then what happens is that we will fight and then end up talking about it for 2-3 hours until it becomes pointless,"
this is not only pointless, this is doing even further damage to your relationship than if you didn't do the 3-hour talks. This is further "punishing" him and making him feel that it's very unpleasant to be involved with you. Slowly it is driving him away from you bit by bit. Who wants to be in a relationship that requires these dreaded 3-hour talks that go nowhere and just leave them exhausted? People have better things to do with their life. if those talks never result in lasting positive change, then they are basically dragging out the toxic feelings even longer. is it you who makes these talks last for 3 hours? I suspect it is. I suspect if it were up to him, there wouldn't be any 3-hour talk after a fight, or it would only be 10 minutes.
His joking was to de-fuse the situation. Many people try to joke during such times in order to lighten the mood and try to make you less mad at them and stop attacking him. You see it as him 'not being serious' which further infuriates you so you attack him even more, but again his behavior is just a response to what you did first.
Don't get me wrong, you've done a great job of recognizing that you have an anger and jealousy problem. Anger and jealousy are emotional and psychological problems and you need guidance on how to reduce them, let them out in a non-destructive way (not just bottle it up which is really bad), stop those thoughts and feelings before they get out of hand, and learn different ways of thinking about things until the new better pattern becomes natural. You may also need anti-anxiety medication, who knows. Only if you get professional help will you know. You don't go the DIY route if you have cancer, so why would you not seek professional help for psychological/emotional issues especially when it's having such dire consequences for your life. So now you need to get professional help to get your anger issues under control before you destroy your bf's trust and his sense of "safety" around you and lose him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2012): I grew up in a household like yours and become triggered and angry incredibly easily if my boyfriend says something a certain way, snaps at me, or makes a joke when i am trying to be serious.Once triggered, an all-out-blowout of an argument over something stupid can be avoided if:-My attitude is addressed immediately, and i tell him i my feelings of have been triggered and am angry and distressed. (if he mentions it, it usually pisses me off more unfortunately.)-I explain that we should continue the conversation soon, but after i have removed myself from the situation and have calmed down to the point of being able to think rationally and logically.-I explain that i will be going outside for a few minutes or for a brisk walk around the block and we can discuss things once my head is clear.-while outside and walking around, (i have my phone but do not call or text him about the argument UNLESS i have reached the point where i feel sincerely sorry for lashing out, then i will call or text and express my remorse at blowing things out of proportion...otherwise, i do this upon my return.Removing yourself from the situation immediately after you are triggered and before things go nuclear is the best way to begin to augment your behavior.Maybe you and your boyfriend could discuss having something like a safe word, that either of you could use to signal that an argument is about to get out of control...something silly that you don't argue about like furby or banana...something that signals you both need to step away from the argument until you aren't angry and he dorsn't feel the need to try to make you happy again by joking with you.Finally, his joking with you (i know how upsetting it can be cuz my guy did it to me for years) is part of his being non-confrontational. He is trying to avert an argument with humor (which works with most people...but not those who grow up in angry homes where 'jokes' during arguments were condescending, hateful, and/or hurtful comments made at our expense during arguments). He doesn't want to see you angry. The joking around is an attempt to avert a blowout by changing the subject and making you smile. Once you understand this and work a little on controlling your initial spike in anger levels if you have been triggered, you may reach a point where a joke may actually avert an all-out argument...but you have to let yourself laugh at it. Sometimes, the simple absurdity of an innocent joke (ine that is not at your expense) at a moment when tempers are flaring is enough to stop an argument dead in its tracks.An afterthought...If you have health insurance (i don't, but when i finally can afford it i am going to do this myself!), you may want to make an appointment to see a counselor, psychologist, or psychotherapist who specializes in anger management and psychotherapy. If you find one that also specializes in family issues, this would be a plus as your anger issues stem from growing up in a dysfunctional anger-filled household. This type of counselor can help you address things that trigger your anger, and provide you with techniques to reduce the personal impact of triggers. This type of therapy can improve the quality of your current relationship, and improve your future quality of life by addressing your triggers and providing you with appropriate anger management techniques that will positively change the way you interract when faced with stressful situations.
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