A
female
age
41-50,
*undy
writes:Hi. I’m in my 40’s and recently started seeing a chap in his 50’s, who I knew over 20 years ago. There was always something there, but we were both attached to others, so lost touch. The spark was still there, when we bumped into each other. We appeared to have all the right chemistry. Especially in the bedroom, it’s truly amazing. We seem to remain in an awkward silence if we’re not in the bedroom. As we’ve both waited so long for this opportunity, what do we do to ease this problem, as neither of us wants this to die a death, before we really got it started. We have both been out of the dating game for several years. Help!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 January 2018):
 What is it you are feeling insecure about? You need to try and get to the bottom off why you are insecure and work on that. You need to realize that you deserve to be happy and loved and learn to love yourself and know that you deserve only the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2018): Lets talk about insecurities.
What I did when my partner of 28 years passed-away was become celibate. I didn't date for a whole year. I just hung-out with friends and hosted dinner or cocktail parties. My friends were worried about me. I hated when people tried to set me up with blind-dates or recommended somebody they knew; only for it to not go so well. I decided on my own when I felt it was time to just put myself out there. I didn't let myself get discouraged; because I didn't immediately find the perfect boyfriend. I was never gun-shy about "getting hurt." Not even after I got dumped. Big-time!
How do you deal with the imperfections of being human and dating other human-beings without encountering their faults! You've got faults and the potential of making mistakes that could hurt someone else.You have to forgive, and be forgiven.
I really think people get carried-way with letting their insecurities run their lives and psyche them out. Guess I'm a risk-taker mainly because I understand human-nature; and I've got the balls to take whatever you throw at me. I just don't put-up with bullsh*t. I know myself, and I try to love myself. I'm here on this site to pass on what I've learned. I've endured the worse life can toss at you. I'm a survivor. I'm loved and I'm blessed! My love is unconditional to a degree; then there's a semi-skeptic and a realist in me. Show me the facts and I'm convinced.
My parents taught me where self-esteem comes from. It's self-made, homegrown, it's manufactured from inside. It's comprised of self-love, perseverance, education, enlightenment, my belief in God, self-confidence, and a thick skin. It's learning from mistakes, and growing stronger from what doesn't kill you. I've got faults. I own my mistakes; because I've been conditioned to as a kid and throughout my adulthood. I don't dread rejection or criticism. I don't always take them well either. You have to consider the source; but listen anyway.
Self-esteem and self-confidence isn't given to you by others; it's only inflated or massaged by their flattery. It's not destroyed by others, but it can be damaged by abuse. You make yourself an easy target when you're over-sensitive and vulnerable by depending on others to validate you. Something that takes a lifetime of experience to learn.
Accept encouragement with gratitude; but flattery with a grain of salt.
I had great parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, mentors and role-models. "It takes a village," as they say. My ears are not on my head for decoration; and I try to use my brain more than I run my mouth. That my dear, takes years to practice and develop; and it's a daily task!!! You can never perfect that! You'll always meet somebody who will throw you off! That's what resilience is for. Bounce back! I don't always believe what my eyes may see, but I hear the truth.
The older-folks in my family spent a lot of their time teaching my siblings and I about survival, life, and interacting with all kinds of people. Not to exclude the big one, dealing with "heartbreak." Whether brought on by life's disappointments, or someone I love. I'm a work in progress on that, and that's what you should be.
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A
female
reader, Mundy +, writes (22 January 2018):
Mundy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe do have common interests, such as cars and motorbikes. Aswell as other things. The thought of him makes me tingle, and as an ex nurse I’m aware of the chemicals that are released. We don’t head straight for the bedroom when we see each other. But that’s where we end up. We both had our troublesome relationships, and maybe there’s a part of us both, that feel we darent become to open with our thoughts. I know I have purposely not entered a relationship for 10 years, as I didn’t want to put myself in a position of getting physically and emotionally hurt again. So I’m great at building a wall around myself. Do you think I’m the one holding back the chance of the relationship going forward, because of my insecurities?.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2018): Good-sex isn't really all that is meant by the term "chemistry."
A true relationship is built on compatibility and attraction so strong; that it acts as a catalyst to create a connection and cohesion of the mind, body, and soul. You should feel a stirring within your whole person when together or apart. The mind is busy thinking of ways to please each other and demonstrate your affections in different ways. Not just sex!
You have to feel and project mutual-respect. That's not instant. It has to be nurtured and refined with time and effort. Being adults over 40, you have experience to draw upon.
It's only sexual-compatibility as you've described it; if you can't even think of anything to talk about after sex.
"Always something there" doesn't mean anything either. You just had the hots for each other. You may have created fantasies that gave the attraction momentum; but it should work beyond the bedroom.
Emotional-attachment and trust really should be established before sex enters the picture; because sexual-attraction and lust can produce so much dopamine you become euphoric. People often mistake a high on oxytocin (feel-good hormone) as the feeling of love. Your natural pheromones only aid in creating pull or draw to your mate. The rest is fueled by emotion, not just physical-urges.
Communicate. Learn how to talk to each other and have a genuine interest and fascination in the other person's personality, spirit, and values. Listen to each others opinions.
Base your trust and affection on what makes you feel warm and safe with each other. Something of substance that holds you together; even when you don't even think about sex.
Test a full range of emotions from humor to anger. Tempers are the toughest part. If your bonding-process can withstand that endurance test; it's real, and could last a bit. Not necessarily a lifetime; but it should go the distance.
Loneliness and detachment makes us a little eager to pair-off when there has been an emotional or physical dry-spell. I know those feelings; and I can tell you, the high will wear-off. Then you'll sit there wondering what to do with each other. The sex will become boring and familiar; and the euphoria isn't quite as intense as it was earlier on.
Sweetheart, work on the joining of the minds. Test compatibility by how much you understand each others way of thinking. Not just pounding and rubbing your bodies together.
You're both mature people, and your sex-drives will start to taper-off as you age. You need to be sure you fulfill the emptiness that loneliness leaves in the soul; not just the yearning that churns in your groin.
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A
female
reader, Beets  +, writes (21 January 2018):
 Chemistry is great, but it sounds like maybe your biggest thing in common is a fantasy of who you think the other person is, and the sex. Do you have shared interests? Do you enjoy the same music, same recreational activities, attend family events together? To me, if there truly is something there, you will have plenty to talk about - your day, your feelings, planned events. Make sure the relationship isn't all about sex. If that's the first/only thing you two do together, then the relationship could possibly be a fantasy you've held on to for years, and not a solid friendship built on respect, mutual interests, and true care for each other.
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