A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I haven't posted on here before, and I guess I'm just hoping for some ideas or thoughts on how to make friends when you have social anxiety. This is a bit long-winded, so please bear with me, but I wanted you to get a bit of an idea about my level of anxiety and loneliness and why I find it so hard to make friends.Long story short, I've lost touch with all the friends I used to have in high school, university, the army etc, and I think it's because of the fact that I often find it hard to leave the house unless I absolutely have to, like for work. I can't relax in social situations, even going to the supermarket to get groceries, I feel tense. I get home and heave sigh of relief. People would invite me out and nine times out of ten, I just couldn't bring myself to leave the house. The rare occasion when I agreed to go out, I stayed for an hour or so and made excuses to leave. So anyway, I'm 36 now. I'm still single and I haven't really dated in years, due to never meeting any new people (and the idea of potentially sharing a home with someone after all these years of being home alone doesn't appeal to me. Home is where I'm comfortable and I can hide from the world, I don't know if I can let someone else in, as much as I would dearly love to). My lack of friends never bothered me before, but now that I'm getting older, more stressed out and unhappier, it's starting to bother me, because I wouldn't mind someone to talk to once in a while, or just spend some time with. I don't have friends at work either. I mean, I get along with a few people ok while we're working, but for the most part, it is a VERY toxic environment. I think it's because just about everybody hates the job - including me - so they take their misery out on each other. I'm a prison officer, and it gives me nothing but stress and makes me angry and cynical. Probably the worst job for someone with social anxiety, but I had lots of expenses and not many job offers when I got out of the army. But I struggle with it and I hate it every day. I've never experienced a work environment like it. And that's the main reason I don't socialise outside of work. I want to forget about work once I walk out the front gate. I NEED to forget about work once I walk out the front gate. I literally sigh and feel my whole body relax once I get in the car at the end of my shift. Why don't you find another job, I hear you ask? Well, because I'm not qualified to do anything else. I live alone, so an unskilled job such as a retail assistant (which I've done before), or a cleaner or a factory worker would not cover my mortgage and bills. (I've enrolled in an online course for next year so that I can get another qualification eventually but in the meantime I'm sort of stuck). Then I get home from my toxic, miserable work environment and come home to a lonely, miserable house, debts and stressors. I'm not particularly close with the few family members I have and I don't know any of my neighbours (there is no way I'm going to approach some random stranger and just introduce myself. I'd probably have a panic attack) and so I just usually sit and watch tv. I ignore the maintenance that needs doing around the house (my toilet and oven both need fixing but I have neither the funds to hire tradesmen, nor friends who could come and help), I try not to think about the mountain of debt I'm struggling with, I try not to think about going back to my toxic job the following day, and I must have been doing a lot of comfort eating because I gained around 20kgs over the past 12 months, I've developed muscle tics and blood pressure problems, probably due to stress. So I'm disgusted with myself and my life as it is. I've been kind of miserable, really. And that's why I think that a friend or two would be wonderful right about now. Just someone to talk to, maybe have a drink with, and maybe help each other out. They say a problem shared is a problem halved. But the only time I leave the house is to go to work or to take the dogs to the park. I even try to do my grocery shopping online where possible, so I don't have to go out. I have 2 dogs. And thank god for them. My dogs have been my saving grace. I've thought about self harm a few times over the past couple of years, but the thought of my precious babies ending up at the pound is what has stopped me from going through with it. They follow me around the house like little shadows, and I couldn't bear them living with some random stranger who might not look after them properly. So they've saved me. But they don't talk back. As much as I might talk to them (and I do, all the time), it's just not the same as having a real, human friend. So - I guess I just wanted to share this with someone, seeing as I have no friends to talk to, and aren't close enough with my family to be comfortable sharing my struggles with. I have made an effort to meet people. I've joined a local gym, but most of the time I just can't go in. I start to feel panic rise in my chest and so I get back in the car and go home. I take the dogs to the dog park sometimes, which is a struggle for me, but like I said - they're my babies - but I can't bring myself to strike up a conversation any of the people there, even though many are regulars and I've seen them before. I usually stand to the side and watch, and I guess now I've got a reputation for being standoffish, because no-one bothers to say hello anymore. Sometimes it makes me want to cry when I see how easily some people make friends. How easily they fit in amongst people they've never met. How easily they can strike up a conversation with a random stranger. I feel tense and occasionally short of breath just being around groups of people, let alone talking to them... Now I don't know if I want advice really, or if I just perhaps wanted to air my grievances to someone who is willing to listen. Perhaps both. Anyway, thanks for having a read. If you've read the whole thing, I thank you sincerely, because that must have been like a lot of mindless drivel. But it was important to me. I do feel marginally better for having told all of this to someone, even if it is with the anonymity of a computer screen. I don't know what I'm going to do now. I might consider going back to the army. I liked that, I worked in the warehouse with only one other person all day so I didn't have to deal with many people, but there was still a sense of teamwork and "mateship." But I don't think I could take my dogs with me, so perhaps it's not a realistic option. Maybe I'll wait and see how I go as an online student. Maybe I'll make a friend in an online student forum or something. I really don't know. How do introverts and those living with social anxiety make friends? I have no idea, but I'm hoping someone out there has done it and has some tips or advice. Thanks again for reading.
View related questions:
at work, debt, muscle, neighbour, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2019): Hey!As an ex female soldier i can see where you are coming from and can relate to you in a lot of ways. People think that joining the army means you must be outgoing but i had lonely times and i know others did, sometimes people join up to escape the life they have. I was stuck in a massive rut for a long time, many years, i gained loads of weight, by the time i was 39 i was nearly a size 18, single and miserable, i did not see anything changing. Six years later, i am a size twelve, i have been with my boyfriend 18 months, i get out and about now, where as before i did very little. I did not see things would change, i didn't expect it, but it can trust me!When i put a lot of weight on a few years ago i didn't join a gym, i got a decent pair of trainers and when it got darker i would go out jogging, building up my fitness and i lost weight and got healthier. If you are too self conscious at the moment why not try that, even if at first it is brisk walking, you know how to build it up if you was in the armed forces even if the initial start to doing it is hard.You have had loads of great advice so i won't repeat the same words but things can change and can get better, take each day as a new day, it will be slow steps to progress but trust me when i say you CAN look back and know you have made massive positive changes, please just believe that and be proactive in making that happen!!Best of luck x
A
female
reader, xoCorixo  +, writes (6 January 2019):
Hi!
I read your whole post and I can completely empathize with you. Although I have a different lifestyle I feel very similar to the way you describe. I very rarely comment or use this site so I don't know if it works this way but if you'd like please message me. Maybe we can exchange emails or at least message on here.
It definitely helps to talk to someone who understands. I will keep an eye out for a message or reply if that's something you'd be interested in.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2019): I read your whole post too.It's clear you have social anxiety. But I think you also have depression now, and the two conditions are 'locked into' and kind of feeding off one another.Depression often begins when we feel overwhelmed to the point of feeling helpless, powerless, pushed down, squashed, whatever you want to call it.It would make sense that the effects of your social anxiety have, over the years, caused this depression, but now the depression is making the social anxiety worse.I'd say, generally speaking, the main task ahead is to break the deadlock between the two.I have had both social anxiety (although I didn't know what to call it back then) and I have had long term depression. So, whilst your case will be different to mine, I can relate.I made a list of the current issues that all seem to be contributing to you feeling overwhelmed and depressed:1. Lack of meaningful friendships2. Overwhelming Debt3. Toxic work environment4. Lack of family connection / lack of family support5. Sub-standard home living conditions (due to key items not working)6. Weight gainI can very strongly relate to all of these issues, but making a list, like this, can help you to separate them out. Yes, they all connect to one another, but it's very important that you see them as separate too. The way that I did this was to educate myself as much as I could about each of these issues. I also did get some counselling, which helped me to understand the background to my lack of family support, social anxiety and depression. I was able to get this free from my doctor. I have to say it did NOT help me much with making friendships or even with moving forward in life, but it did resolve a lot of my confusion about my past and why I was the way I was.Firstly, based on personal experience, I'd say cardiovascular exercise - anything that basically gets you out of breath for a while (20 minutes ideally) is pretty much guaranteed to make you feel more powerful and on top of things generally, and this would probably be your best starting point. No, it won't get your toilet fixed, but it will definitely, even after a few sessions / days of exercise, start to make you feel like you can find a way to get your toilet fixed (and everything else). Cardiovascular exercise - and also YOGA - are, for me, like general 'anti-depressants' - they simply 'lift' you that little bit, and the more you do the more you feel able to tackle the world. I don't go to yoga classes, but I have a great DVD that I play at home and an extra large yoga mat which, though it cost about £10, feels like a really wonderful 'luxury' item and an investment. I am now at a stage where I am considering joining a dance group, because I gained more confidence by firstly exercising alone. Maybe this is a kind of progression that you could make in the future too.Secondly, making a plan to get out of debt will also lift you. It won't immediately shift your debt, but even having a plan to get out of debt will help a lot. The most helpful book that I found on this is: Debt-Proof Living by Mary Hunt. You can get a copy on Amazon for 1p. I had to ignore the religious undertone to this book, and the part about giving 20% of your income to charity, but it is the best book I found. Again, it's a bit like the exercise - it changes your mindset, and helps you to feel very empowered. There may be other books on Amazon that might suit you better, but I found this one to be the best for me. There are also books on 'Frugal Living' - and these might help you with the weight gain too, as they will include how to save on food.Thirdly, I was also in a toxic job environment and I think you HAVE to find a way out of it. It is far too much pressure for someone to advise you to make it 'mind over matter', given the way you feel. I can't imagine this being a healthy environment for anyone to live in, so I am going to go against the advice of others and say start to plan a way out. One thing I did think of is that you may consider doing voluntary work with dogs, for now, and on the side of your day job. Yes, you would have to have minimal interaction with people in order to do this BUT you might consider explaining to them that you have social anxiety but love dogs and want to learn to work with them in a more professional way. I think your valuable experience of keeping dogs and loving them despite everything indicates that you have the strength to work with them initially on a voluntary basis. Depending on how that goes, you could progress to getting some formal classes in dog training or working with dogs in a professional capacity eg. with the police, or with the army or some other structured employment place involving dogs. It may not be dog training, it could end up being dog grooming. I also think you could consider dog-sitting, or dog-walking to earn some extra money - again, this would need minimal interaction with people, but the focus would be on the dogs. If that feels too much for now, then leave it to one side, but bear it in mind as an option.Four, regarding cultivating friendships, I really think that online forums could be a good place to practice and to gain confidence, but I also think keeping a log of even extremely minimal interactions with people in real life will help you. Online, you can find forums for social anxiety, forums for debt, forums for weight loss, forums for just about anything and everything. It's a good place to practice, BUT I'd say be careful not to let it overtake the need for real life interaction. It may sound silly to you, but something that really helps me when I want to improve upon something is making a log of 'where i am at' with that thing and then logging my progress every day. If you track your progress re. human interaction - even if it is a brief smile, or a nod to one of the people in the park where you take your dogs, then it should be tracked. You can then gain a picture of where your current 'interaction' levels are. It's amazing how simply seeing the facts in front of you can do a lot to alleviate anxiety - you'd think it might be the opposite, but in fact, seeing where you are at can be very grounding because it allows you to see exactly where and how you can set small challenges for yourself to 'up' the interaction. Maybe say "good morning" to a local shopkeeper, then challenge yourself to do it each time you go into the shop. Challenge yourself to be prepared for what to say if they ask you a question like "how are you today" or, if they say "have a good day", to respond with the same. This kind of thing can really help. I'm not saying you won't make mistakes and it can feel like going two steps forward and three backwards, but overall it can really help.In terms of the practical repairs you need to do in your home, some of these sound urgent, but overwhelming because of the depressed state you are in. You are, however, simply going to have to address things like a broken toilet. Again, you can educate yourself. I once saved myself £75 + VAT by going on line and finding the exact problem with my toilet. I then went to a local plumbers merchants, bought one part ( a kind of plastic membrane disc that had broken), cut it to size as advised by the guy in the shop, and fitted it myself. The sense of achievement I got from that was very surprising! Do a bit of investigative work and see if it is something you think you can fix, if not you are going to have to get a plumber and somehow find the money to pay him. That will mean cutting back maybe for one month, but if you get some estimates / quotes (again, go online and find a website where you can ask for quotes), then you can plan for how you are going to find this money. When you feel more on top of your debt, you can factor in small amounts for saving for emergencies.Go to see your doctor. See if they can offer counselling or any help with losing weight. Ask for specific help with overcoming social anxiety, but also find forums so that you can see this is a problem for many people.You'd be amazed at how many people can be forgiving and caring as soon as they know what the problem is. If they can see that you are generally trying to get your life sorted, and genuinely have a problem and are willing to share it with them, then they will help.With that in mind, remind yourself of the good things you have in your life and the friendships you have been able to make. You DID have friends at school and you DID enjoy a 'colleague' type friendship with a workmate in the warehouse. Either now or later consider getting in touch with your old schoolmates and explaining that social anxiety really affected you. Some will want to know and to help and some won't - but that's the case with any and everyone regarding old school mates. People liked you then and they can like you again. But you have to start by liking yourself. If you want friends, treat yourself as if you are your best friend. Talk to yourself like you would if you had to help your dearest friend in need. Treat yourself that way.Finally, an amazing book I read recently is "Think Forward to Thrive" by Jennie Vilhauer. Available on Amazon. The author helps you to think forward, not backward to the past, and helps you to break down into smaller steps how to go forward in life. I'd highly recommend it - read it through once, I'd say, and then go back and work through the tasks. I actually left out some of the tasks but others really helped me.Try to remember people really can and do care, but it helps if they know more specifically what help you need. You are going to have to practice feeling a little bit vulnerable in order to gradually overcome your anxiety, but it will help to know that you are managing this and you alone decide how much of that vulnerable feeling you are prepared to take on, each day - again, a log or chart or spreadsheet can really help and tonnes of practice. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 January 2019):
 PS. Online friends are great too. They can often be the most fun for people like you and me, because you can stay at home while interacting. You dont always have to answer timely or focus on facial expression, tone of voice etc when you're just texting. I dont know about you, you're probably better at this than me, but I had to learn facial expressions at the age of 15, so it doesn't come at all natural to me and requires constant focus. So I am much more at ease with written communication and the use of emoticons to describe how I respond to things, because in real life Im not that responsive.
Just saying, online friends can fill that gap too. It's like pen pals, its nice to have someone to write to.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 January 2019):
Hi. I read Your Whole story. What I can tell you is that it would probably help you to get professional help. I am, as it happens, friends with a woman with social anxiety, and she said it helped her a lot to get Professional help. She was almost hindered from going to work, because she couldn't use public transportation. When I met her she seemed to me as a very outgoing person. But then again, Im a highly introvert person with a "craydar" as some call it. Which just means Im crazy enough to recognize other crazies, and there's an unspoken "bond" between us crazies.
You will probably be able to make friends with others with social difficulties, or with the extremely extroverted, as they will speak to everyone. At least that's how my social circle looks like. It's the "crazies" and the extremely extroverted.
I can't tell you how to socialize well, but I do know that for the likes of you and me, it's not about exposing yourself to x number of people through various groups. So my advice is not to join this or that group etc. That wont help, all you will end up with is the same as now, because you DO meet a lot of people. Especially through your dogs, as you say yourself. The problem for you isnt meeting people, it's INTERACTING with people.
You can do what I do, and just say f**k it and og for a "hi" to a random person. I do try to socialize in a proper manner, but for most parts I don't. Like you, I dont know how to do it. I dont have a dignosis (as of yet anyway), but I grew up as a schizoid person. So I had very little social contact and I didnt relate to other humans at all (no feelings). So I never learned how to do this, and it's still very difficult for me. Whenever I feel that my social life has become to minimal (which it DOES ever so often), I make it a mission to make a new acquaintance. Not friend. Just acquaintance. And sometimes these grow into friendships, you never know.
Most of the friends Ive had through the years have been people I didnt like at all when I frist met them, but they grew on me. It happens. But friendships come and go. They may last years, but life happens and friendships fade. That is when I reach out and do my mandatory socializing. Not because I want to, but because, like you, I realize that its better for my health and sanity to not be a hermit.
I prefer being friends with others who also only need sporadic social contact, because they have low expectations. They dont invite me out much, or at all, and they aren't offended if I don't talk to them for 8 months or a year. So my recommendation is that you seek out likeminded people to befriend. Instead of trying to force friendships with "normies", because that can be quite exhausting.
There's a surprising number of people who only sporadically socialize. They just don't make a fuzz out of themselves, so you probably haven't taken notice of them. You need to turn your "craydar" on and seek them out. When you're out walking your dogs, pay attention to those who also walk alone with their dogs, or are on their own. Observe them for a while. Maybe say hi. Gradually build it up.
Or, if you've got the nerve for it, do what I do. Without the knowledge of how to normally approach someone, I just go about being me and that's being very blunt and direct and it freaks out a lot of people. But some aren't weirded by it, and find it refreshing, and those tend to be the ones to hang on to.
For example I have randomly chatted up people on the street. That's how I met my friend with social anxiety. I was standing at the train station waiting (delayed train) and I recognized another woman who was often taking the same train as me. I just went over to her and said "hi, I recognize you from the train, you're heading in the same direction as me, right?" And she was going in the same direction, so I said maybe we should split the cab fare as the train wasn't coming any time soon. She agreed, but said she knew someone who might drive us. We then met up with yet another woman, the one who later became my friend. And she gave us a ride to where we were all headed. Turns out she was looking for a job, so I said I'd ask at my work if they need anyone, and got her contact information.
You see, normally people would say "no, thank you, Im fine" when I offer something like that, or they hesitate with giving me their contact info. But she said "sure!". Then I contacted her later on about work opportunities, and that's how we began talking.
I do this with a lot of people, just reach out like that on a whim. Often, like 90% of the time, I doesn't lead to anything. It's like hitting on women in a bar. You will get a lot of rejections and people who give you the "look" and think you are weird. But then again you sometimes meet another who thinks this direct approach is great!
I do one more thing which I find helpful to socialize: I do things I enjoy and then I invite others to join me, and then I go do the thing whether someone joins me or not. Like if I want to see a movie. Or if I want to try a new restaurant. Or go swimming. Or whatever. I then just invite people along. It might not even be someone Im friends with, I will invite whoever along, if I feel like I might enjoy their company (just not men, because this apprach makes them think Im hitting on them). For a lot of people, this is too much too soon, as they need time to build a friendship or do things in another fashion. But as I have no concept of what's the right timing or when or who you should invite where and why, I just take the plunge.
I have been told that people actually like this. They think its great that I come up with activities and they enjoy the invitatins, even if they dont join me. So I've gotten positive feedback on this one.
I'm going to stop this here, even though I could go on and on about my experiences with socializing. I treat it more like an experiment, or an expedition into the jungle. It's that strange and unfamiliar to me, and when I make a new friend, it's like discovering the cure for cancer. So I get excited about techniques and what works and what doesnt work.
Just remind yourself that it's okay to fail in the attempts. Socializing, for someone with social anxiety or lack of social skills, is VERY difficult. So be brave! Go into it with the same mindset as someone going into a battlefield. Be brave, but allow yourself to say "no thanks" and go home when you get tired. It's okay if the attempts fail. Next time, you might succeed.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2019): Did you always have social-anxiety disorder during your military service? I find it odd that you were able to enlist; if you suffer such serious anxiety issues.
Enlisted personnel are carefully screened for physical-fitness and mental-stability. During active-service, you have access to weaponry; and you're around a whole battalion of soldiers. From your post, I doubt you could handle active-duty. You don't get to hide in the barracks all day. If you work around prisoners, you probably carry a weapon. You mentioned you wanted to harm yourself. That makes you a threat to yourself and others.
I'm not certain of how your armed forces treats soldiers with PTSD, or other mental-health issues; but many branches of service offer group-therapy counseling. Group therapy is the best way to make social connections; and receive counseling at the same time.
The problem is, people who need treatment the most; refuse to seek help. If you're reclusive; you'll go out of your way to avoid being around other people. Including seeing a therapist. Yet you'll suffer loneliness in the process.
The challenge with social anxiety is getting people to step outside their comfort-zones; while isolation is certainly not a better choice than seeking any means one can to connect with other people. If you aren't willing to take any major steps to change your situation; all you will receive is sympathy. While your situation remains unchanged.
I'm guessing you don't see a therapist; or don't go regularly, if you do. You don't mention family, and you don't mention whether you practice any form of faith and worship. You are likely on prescribed antidepressants and SSRI medication; if you are under a treatment program.
I will venture to speculate you're not taking the medication regularly. The drugs might make it hard to work sometimes. I also suspect that your doctor can't properly regulate your treatment-program; because you don't always follow your prescriptions or willingly cooperate. Your post is giving away some clues.
Are you under cognitive therapy or psychotherapy? Do you make your therapy appointments?
You seem totally withdrawn; and getting worse. That to me indicates you don't regularly see anyone for treatment and/or you don't stick to your therapy program.
You're winging-it on your own; because you don't want to commit to anything that requires you to leave the house. So you can't make friends; or receive effective therapy, if you've decided being a recluse is easier. Apparently it isn't. You're starving for human-contact; and your story breaks my heart. Pity isn't what you need; love, care, and friendship is what you really need...and deserve.
You ask if anyone else has done it? How will that make you proactive in seeking yourself help, if unbearable loneliness isn't enough to motivate you? You don't only suffer from anxiety, you clearly seem to deal with depression as well. The isolation is making your condition all the worse. If you're not seeking therapy or receive inadequate care; or worse, trying to do all this on your own. The loneliness is clearly forcing you into deep despair.
If there is a little church nearby; try to summon a little strength to stop-by. Go see what type of comfort you might find. They usually have small socials and offer free programs to help people in need, or alone. If you are Jewish or Muslim, or of any kind of faith background; seeking comfort in worship often places you among kind and friendly people. People who are compassionate and friendly.
If you can manage to get to work everyday; you'll have to summon the same determination to seek professional-help and companionship. If your home is a mess, it only adds to your depression and discomfort. If you aren't seeing a health-care professional on a regular basis, you will decline in health until you have to be hospitalized.
Your health seems to be declining; and it may be only a matter of time before you will be incapacitated, and unable to maintain employment.
Exposure outside your home and participating in activity that gets you out of the house is the only way anyone will ever know you exist.
I will pray for you. That you will find the strength to seek the help you need; and find the human-contact we all need and deserve.
You have to make the best of the job you have. Hating it doesn't help. It's how you keep a roof over your head, and food on the table. Resentment only aggravates your condition.
Hopelessness comes from having no faith or belief in anything. Try a place of worship, and contact your veterans affairs office to find-out what sort of programs they can offer you for mental-health services. It should be a veteran's benefit.
They can't re-enlist someone in your mental-health condition; it's just not likely. It wouldn't be safe for you; or the other soldiers who might have to depend on you for their very lives.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2019): As a rmn clients with social anxiety or mental health issue are often felt to be judged so they hide them behind closed off hauty standoffish exteriors and other people think that person wants to be left alone ..I applaud you for taking the time to write your post and I can relate to how hard that must have felt . The emotion of your isolation and heart felt gratitude to your beloved pets is evident.. I also feel that for now you are in thinking you may
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (4 January 2019):
 First of all OP, here a *HUG*. Its hard to just jump right in when you have social anxiety but if there is any way that you can make yourself go out besides of work, I would suggest that you volunteer somewhere. It will get you out, you will be around people that would have a common interest as you. I would first off suggest an animal shelter? It is such a rewarding job and you obviously love animals. I did it for years and it made me so happy being around animals and chatting with others that loved them as much as I do.
I also suggest that you see a doctor? Have you?
Lastly I would like to suggest this website: https://www.socialanxietysupport.com/groups/
Its possible you can go online and perhaps chat with others that have the same kind of feelings that you have. Reach out sweetie..please try. Life is so very lonely when you don't have someone to talk to and share things with. Is there any way you can reach out to your family? brother? sister? cousin?
Do you go to church? Have you ever considered going? Many churches have programs and do things that would also involve you with others. Please do something to help yourself ok?
Again *HUGS*
...............................
|
