A
male
age
41-50,
*ustwantherback
writes:I need to know how to get my girlfriend back after I drunkenly kissed another girl at a bar. I didn't call this girl, didn't text this girl, didn't even know this girl. I got extremely drunk and acted like a total idiot and lost my girlfriend's trust in one night. The worst part is I honestly don't remember kissing her. I had forgotten about the entire thing until the girl called me the next night at midnight and my girlfriend saw. I tried to come as clean as I could and we even called the girl (I thought nothing happened) to get past it, but it backfired terribly.Up until this, everything was great in our relationship. We have only been dating for 8 months, but I truly thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. We had actually talked about marriage the night before (as we do most nights lately)I have a vague idea of why this happened. Things have been going very poorly at work and my ego has definitely taken a huge hit. I have always been very successful and the past year has been a serious wake up call for me. Not that this is an excuse.I went back and tried to talk to her and try to show her the man I want to be. I am going to quit drinking all together until I get back on my feet at work. (I have been getting blackout drunk lately and I think stress may not be helping with this) I am going to start going to therapy to work on my self esteem in the meantime. I am going to get back to the gym which is something that I stopped not too long ago. And overall try to improve myself and try to win her back.The problem is that she says she wants to sleep with other guys to get past the anger and then she may be able to date me again. I honestly don't think I can handle this and I think that sleeping with someone is a bit different from blacking out and kissing someone, especially since she saw me that night and told me the next day that I was too drunk to even speak. She knew I wasn't even close to being lucid.Anyway, I am in shock, pain, and disbelief. I never thought I would be the guy to do this and here I am. What can I do now to show her that it was out of character for me to do this?
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male
reader, justwantherback +, writes (9 June 2010):
justwantherback is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who replied to my question. I got an email from her today telling me she went home (out of state), is sick and heart broken, and will never trust me again. She apologized from the hurtful things that she said, but is truly going to try and start moving on from me. I don't think I have ever been more devastated in my life. Again, thank you everyone for trying to help, but it looks like I truly f'd up one of the best things that ever happened to me.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 June 2010):
 Alright here's a guess at how you can do this. Call her. That would be the best. Then you say "I want to make up for what I did, and I hope we can be together again. But, I need to tell you something. You said that you want to sleep with other men before you can even consider coming back to me. And, as much as I love you, and want you in my life, this is something I can not accept. I want you to be mine alone. If you have slept with someone else after me, I can't get over it. I will still love you with all my heart, but knowing you have been with other men, I can't be with you. I love you too much. Please, if you have the slightest hope in your heart that we can be together again, don't sleep with anyone else. I want to ask you to take some more time and think about us, and if you can ever forgive me, before you do something. Then, if you decide it can never be you and me again, you can sleep with whomever you want."
How's that? But, if you copycat me you will be in trouble, because it needs to come from YOU and from your heart! Not from some random stranger online.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): I think the kiss vs. sleeping with someone was addressed enough, and I concur with the majority, so I would like to address you drinking. You say that you will quit drinking until you get 'back on your feet'. That is not going to be good enough. Why? Because the drinking is the reason you kissed this girl in the first place and if you start drinking again at a later date, you WILL do this again and perhaps even worse, sleep with someone.
Look at it this way....your ego was hit before you got drunk, yet you weren't tempted to sleep with anyone else. You think the stress had something to do with your blacking out....nope, it was the drinking. The drinking is the problem here. You loose control of your alcohol consumption and then you loose control of your actions...not the other way around. You are not alone in this .... it happens to many people.
So if I were your girlfriend, I would not agree to give it another shot unless you agreed to stop drinking altogether, OR no drinking without her tagging along.
You asked what it will take...there's your answer.
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A
male
reader, justwantherback +, writes (8 June 2010):
justwantherback is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand that I have no real control and cannot tell her what to do when she is single. That said, how do I even ask her to not sleep with other people until she thinks it over now without infuriating her even more. She is telling me we are done and she is trying to move on right now, but it has only been one day. If I talk to her in a week would it be better or is it something that I need to do now?
She has never actually had sex without being in a committed relationship in the past, but she told her mom that she thought she may have to get it out of her system. My friends think she is just trying to hurt me with words, but I'm not so sure. I really hurt her.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 June 2010):
Nononono... you're not telling her she CANT sleep with other men while she is single. She is free to do whatever she pleases. But you can tell her that if she does, you will not want her back. Because you have a right to not take her back. That is something YOU are free to do. She can, however, sleep with how many she will. Just let her know that if she does, there is no hope of the two of you getting back together. Say it right away before she does something she will regret. Ask her to give it time and think about things. Do not demand this. Ask it of her.
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A
male
reader, justwantherback +, writes (7 June 2010):
justwantherback is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the quick replies. We have been texting a bit back and forth today and she is still extremely upset and has been calling everything that she possibly can. That said, when should I bring up that I will not accept her sleeping with someone else while we are broken up. (it is definitely out of her character)
I'm afraid if I do it now she will tell me to go F myself and that she is single and will do whatever she wants. (these were her exact words last night) But, I don't want to wait too long because her roomate is a bit loose and has guys around all the time.
Part of me says she won't do it, but another part thinks that I truly and deeply hurt her and she is going to do it in spite of me, even if it hurts herself. I honestly cannot believe that this is happening.
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A
male
reader, justwantherback +, writes (7 June 2010):
justwantherback is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the quick replies. We have been texting a bit back and forth today and she is still extremely upset and has been calling everything that she possibly can. That said, when should I bring up that I will not accept her sleeping with someone else while we are broken up. (it is definitely out of her character)
I'm afraid if I do it now she will tell me to go F myself and that she is single and will do whatever she wants. (these were her exact words last night) But, I don't want to wait too long because her roomate is a bit loose and has guys around all the time.
Part of me says she won't do it, but another part thinks that I truly and deeply hurt her and she is going to do it in spite of me, even if it hurts herself. I honestly cannot believe that this is happening.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 June 2010):
 I agree that her consciously going out and sleeping with someone to spite you is very very different from you getting drunk and kissing a stranger and would only serve to destroy any hope you had of getting back together. You're doing the right things, just keep doing them. She needs time to be angry and you should let her be angry. Either she'll come around in time, or she won't, but you should keep trying to show her how much you love her and how much you didn't mean to hurt her.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (7 June 2010):
 You're already doing the right things; so I honestly can't suggest anything else. Continue your self-improvement for your own benefit, not just to get her back, because her demand to sleep with other guys to get over anger does not bode well for your relationship. What you did was wrong, but her proposed "remedy" is egregious! Your drunken act hurt her (totally understandable), but by sleeping with other men she's trying to emotionally obliterate you. It's like bringing a gun to a fistfight.
Ask her if she's serious. If she is, dump her on the spot. Your drunken kiss may have been out of character for you, but I suspect her suggestion of sleeping with other guys to solve the problem IS NOT out of character for her. A partner with an attitude like this is not going to support you in your sobriety.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 June 2010):
I agree that sleeping with someone is very different from a one time kiss while drunk. At the same time I understand her desire to take out her anger on you with sleeping with other men. Its just that it is a bad way to release anger as she is not doing herself, or the relationship, any favours.
Tell it to her. If she sleeps with someone else you will not take her back. But that you ask for forgiveness for what you did. Lay yourself flat on the ground, and accept full blame and hope that that will be enough. You will also have to work for a good while to keep her happy and make sure she feels secure you will not cheat on her again.
But, you should not accept that she gets to go loose and sleep around. In that case, she is ending the relationship. Which is fair enough, if she doesn't want to be with you there is not much to do and you need to accept her. But if she thinks she can go sleep around, and then come back to her... Inform her that it will not be so.
I believe she is just saying this to scare you and provoke you and be mean to you because she has been so hurt. A part of her wants to move on, but I think a part of her wants to stay. If she needs to date other guys, and sleep with other guys, to date you again, tell her you can not date her again. The only way for you to date her again is if she does not sleep with anyone else while you are broken up.
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