A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my boyfriend and want to get back with him! This is a story of why I broke up with him but now that issue is out of the way for good I want to take it slow with him this time as we were great together. SORRY it's long but any suggestion/help how to win him back? We moved out together after dating couple weeks (met a week before dating) and been together for nearly two years. I'll be 21 in couple months and he's 22. We went through so much, mostly me not having a job for a year (just got one now finally and loving it!), having a surgery and other stuff. He was a loving boyfriend through it all.My issue was this friend he met while we were dating as he moved to my city and knew no one and this friend who I will refer as 'L', I didn't like him. I suck it up for the first few months or so but soon enough they both knew I despite him and hated my bf hanging out with him. Basically he's a lot older, has a kid with a gf that he cheated on repeatly, comes over from like 8pm till 7AM just smoking weed and getting drunk (did this for like couple weeks straight one month when bf wasnt working) and I got sick of it and we fought (him saying I was controlling not letting him make his own friends and me saying that he could find someone better and this guy was using him plus didnt want him around someone that thinks men are better than women and it's okay to push them around and act like they are sex slaves). L even mention few times that we ought to have 3-somes, 4-somes, bla bla. I found that disgusting. He mooned me once too.I just sucked it up with my bf and eventually L managed to pissed my bf off so things were fine and L was out of our lives once again. Everything was peaceful and fine with my bf and I again. Now about 8 months later I drove by the community L lived and he saw the truck, called my bf up asking what's up and that they should chill.. I was really upset over this. My bf the kind of guy you can piss off but after awhile he's back to mellow again and let them walk over him again. It annoys me a lot. Worst this time as my bf also had his best friend in our city living with us for a short time to work with him and HE wanted to meet L. I'll call him 'C'. Well C and L hit it off well, ofcourse, both obsess with smoking and weed and downloading illegal movies and whatever.C went back to his town for couple weeks and I was alone with my bf for a while, stressing over finding a job and FINALLY did get a job where I wanted so the 2nd day of my job I was trying to sleep, with my bf out with L. After a while woke up to smell smoke, more than once I kept waking up to smell smoke as I CAN'T stand the smell of it and my bf knows to smoke outside but this night they were smoking in C's current bedroom. I was pissed and yelled through the door for them to go where ever they wanted and JUST LET ME SLEEP as I had to work and was stressing not to be late (7am shift). Went back to sleep and woke up again later to realize they both left so I chained lock the door so they could get out for good and let me sleep. Just as I was about to sleep L banged the bedroom window nonstop so I had no choice but to get up and be mad again. Opened the door yelling at my bf to go away with L but they came in, I knocked my bf unlit smoke on floor, bf sprayed full can of beer in my face (totally drunk and high at that point which he keeps telling me before he wants to stop smoking and drinking cuz he hates how he behaves but this guy insist repeatly and makes my bf do stupid stuff with him) so I tried punching him in the face. I then yelled at L to get out and go home. He wouldnt. Even my bf told him to get out and he STILL wouldnt saying he wasnt going to let me smack my bf around. L KNOWS HES THE REASON I get mad, I would had calm down if he left but he had to stay where he wasn't welcome, nor his place or business to be. I went to grab the phone to call the cops to get him out, L grabbed the phone out of my hand refusing to let me. Bf told him to give it back to me and let me (wanting me to also call cops) and so L threw it at my head breaking the phone. I punched L few times and he punched me also. I left being pissed off that my bf couldnt kick L out and that L was actually convincing my bf that 'I' was the one out of control and to snap at ME instead. As I was going to drive away (going 50 now down half block) L jumped out on the street to make me lose control or something of my car (which yes I did swerve onto him on purpose to scare him back on curb and that worked - mind you, this guy is in his 40..and I'm 20). I went to my mom and didnt talk to bf for couple days. When I came back home he was really happy to see me again and we had a long talk and he PROMISED me he wouldnt see or talk to that guy ever again. C came back that same day too. L kept texting my bf and my bf ignored him for like a week.Now the night of breakup, I was out with my mom for a movie date, came home to find L truck in our parking lot. I got pissed, bf was unpacking bags out of the car and wasn't with L but C was so I was about to calm down as bf came in house with me but turned around and went back out with them. I just lost it right there and said it was over.Basically, I know my bf loves me and stuff but the fact he LETS these guys (L and C) control him just drove me mad. They both hated me (as I complained a lot about smell and their smoking as bf quit till he hungout with them again) so I just know they both convinced him I was the mind controlling b* when really they are controlling him. We were just happy together but they convinced him he was being whipped by his girl and doesn't wear the pants in the relationship.Now, L is moving away from the city from what I heard so I do want to talk to my ex and see if we can get together again, taking it slowly this time and working it up but I don't know how as C is still there.Sorry this is so long, I'm just lost for what to do. Ex been super mad at me for few days as I packed most of the stuff from our place (what can i say, i collect so many stupid small stuff) plus with his dad telling him "half half everything dont let her take it all" so he's upset more. His dad never liked me for some reason ...not sure why, just know he told my ex he can do better.Anyway... it been a week now. Haven't heard from him nor talked to him since I left packing my stuff but I have to go back there again this week to pick up one more big item and don't know what to say! I do want him back, I love him dearly, just the life he grew up with with no parents for him (met his dad just 3 years ago) he just lives it as it goes..
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust letting you guys know I moved on withn' a week quite easily. You all said what I personally knew myself but guess I needed to hear it from others too. I haven't bothered talking to him and he finally did, being nice too BUT despite saying he missed me he went on bragging about all the new things in his life (new car, roadtrip, camping) as he knew I love those things. Funny thing is instead of wanting him back or something I was annoyed. Not jealous no, just annoyed he wouldn't leave me alone and just live his life. I didn't want him back anymore and I still don't. Told him I had a new guy in my life to shut him up and it worked. Well, got a real nasty message from him again few hours later but nothing since and I'm quite happy!!
I DO now have a new guy I am seeing, nothing serious yet, taking it slow this time.
Thanks everyone for your help! (:
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (11 May 2010):
 Enjoy your peace. Your ex is the one who has to win you back. He has to proove to you that he is no longer smoking weed and would be quieter at night. It's hard now you are so used to having someone to argue with and now you are alone. There is a difference between controlling someone's behavior and wanting peaceful sleep at night. Your ex was too blind and too addicted to respect that.
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A
female
reader, clear skies  +, writes (11 May 2010):
I know it hurts SO much right now, but on reading what you've written, I think you would be mad to go back with him. I'm in a similar situation myself, and was looking at this forum for advice, but your post really shocked me. It sounds so destructive.
I've done that whole thing of living with stoners whilst I was the only one in the household who had a job, and I can still remember how wonderful it felt to move out to my own place away from these people, even thought they were my best friends, and had been for 10 years. Where weed is involved, it's just an excuse for apathy, to sit around and do nothing, and all the good moves you have made will just be eroded by this pair of losers.
Ask yourself: Why does your bf like these two guys? Why does he put them before you all the time?
And don't feel sorry for him. He's treating you like shit and you are making excuses for his bad behaviour.
You sound like an intelligent person with a great future, so please don't think that this is the best you can do.
If you DO genuinely want him back, you must not contact him for a long time, until he comes to you, and you can set new boundaries on your terms that you must stick to. And if he doesn't come to you - well...!
Many years ago I did the same as you - I ended a relationship in anger, with someone that I considered to be my soul mate, the absolute love of my life. I cried for days and honestly thought I would die. All my energy was focussed in how I could get him back. A long time later, I did. But this time, that balance had shifted, and he was much more into me than I was into him. And that's what ended it for me. It's all about power. I live with someone else now, and have managed to be good friends with th original guy, but I cannot see why I was so in love with him. It's power and chemicals. You'll be fine.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 May 2010):
 I know you'll see my advice as a non-advice but- oh my dear, don't you value at all your peace of mind ?
Drunken and stoned moochers all around you. Leery friends who moon at you and propose threesomes.Smoke smell which you totally hate. Screaming matches,punches and violence and general mayhem.
Do you really want a life like this ? In fact, is that even life ?
You love the guy. Sometime,love is not enough...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2010): Well I think relationships get really hard when the reason you are breaking up is because of a friend of his or a friend of your's, the truth of the matter is that sometimes those friendships (Even though we may not always understand them or approve of them) Mean a lot to that other person and trying to keep them away from those friends does more harm then good i think. I think you just have to learn to accept them no matter how much they annoy you or how much you dislike them, asking someone not to talk to someone who they have known probably longer than you is not right and it only causes problems
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