A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I am at my wits end and I don’t know what to do. My husband and I have been separated for years but I’m still in love with him. He won’t divorce me but he’s now moved abroad and aplenty living with somebody. Before he moved away we would meet up almost everyday or at least he’d call. Since moving away, it’s like I do not exist. No calls, nor texts, nothing. It’s not like him. I can’t believe just because he’s in a relationship I’m all of a sudden none existent. I mean I’m still the mother of our 3 children. Anyway he’s been gone 3 months and he hasn’t messaged me and I haven’t him because I don’t want to seem weak or desperate. I just want him back though. I don’t want to hear “ move on” I just want advice about the best way to win him back? Is ignoring him the right thing? And just hoping he’ll miss me and realize. What’s my best action?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 December 2019):
 Why have you not divorced after 9 years of separation?
No wonder you haven't moved on! You have had no incentive or reason to move on.
HE - your husband, PUT you on a shelf and moved forward himself with other people. And up until the point where HE was OVER the marriage, he kept you sweet by staying in contact so HE wouldn't be lonely. Now that HE has moved on and moved away, YOUR needs are no longer a priority.
Does he still finance you? Or are you paying your own way in life?
If it's the first, I don't blame you for not wanting a divorce, you are however shooting yourself in the foot MAJORLY, the longer you DEPEND on him financially, the harder it's going to be for you to be independent when the time comes where HE wants to divorce YOU. And yes, that time might come where his NEW partner gives him an ultimatum, or he simply want to be married to her.
If it's the latter, then WHY not start the divorce proceedings and gain YOUR independence fully?
IF for whatever reason HE wants to get back with you, being married to him or divorced from him makes no difference. It might even be a wake up call for him.
However, I think you need to realize and accept that HE is done being WITH you. Your marriage is a sham now.
Does it mean you NOW have to find someone else? No right now, but IF you want a partner in life then eventually you will have to look elsewhere.
You say you don't want to hear it so I wonder why you even posted this question. No one here can give you a magic fix to win back a person. There are too many variables as to whether or not it is even feasible. The fact that you haven't BEEN together for 9 years is probably the biggest reason it won't happen, ever.
Do you want MORE for yourself?
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (21 December 2019):
 There is no way of "winning" him back, and if you and he have been separated for nine years and people have been telling you for that whole time to "move on" I just want to take you by the shoulders and give you a shake.
He isn't coming back, and why would you want him back after he has treated you so terribly? Where is you sense of self preservation?
Your profile indicates you are in your 50s, and live in the UK. Life expectancy at the moment for women in the UK is just under 81 years …. which gives you another 30 odd. Do you seriously mean to spend those thirty years waiting and wishing for this person to wake up one day and go, oh gosh, I made a terrible mistake? Do you even think that after 9 years away from the marriage and some of those years living with another woman he is even the same person who you married. His life experiences have changed him, he isn't the same person you were married to 9 years ago. Stop hanging onto a dream and sleep walking through the next thirty years …. there are paths to be walked, and dances to be danced, a life to be lived.
For goodness sake woman, wake the dickens up!!!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (21 December 2019):
 You can't win someone back who has no intention of BEING won back. He is not a prize to be won by doing certain things or not doing certain things. He is a human being with a mind of his own. He has CHOSEN not to be with you. He has chosen to move to another country to be with someone he WANTS to be with. He has CHOSEN to cut contact with you. All these things are within his rights to do.
Based solely on the contents of your post, he sounds like a weak man who doesn't want to be with you but doesn't have the backbone to divorce you. He was probably keeping you on a back burner in case his new life did not work out. Doesn't sound like much of a prize to me, but you know him better.
You two will always be your children's parents, regardless of whether you are together or not. Given your age, I would assume your children are adults now (or, at least, close to it). As the mother of his children, he owes you respect but he does not owe you his life. He does not have to stay with you if he is not happy. If he was happy being with you, he would still be there.
You too have choices in this situation. You can choose to stay stuck, obsessed with a man who does not love you and who has moved on with his life, or you can choose to say "I am worth better" and start to live again instead of hanging on for him in case his new life doesn't work out and he chooses to come back. It's up to you. DO you think you are worth better?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2019): Thank you for your advice. I can see you care and I appreciate it but like I said I don’t want to hear “Move On” people have been telling me this for 9 years and I’ve tried but I can’t.
So I just want to know the best way of winning him back, regardless if he ever comes back or not..
Let’s just pretend he will, what’s the best course of action to up the chances please?
Thanks xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2019): I can hear the desperation in your post and i'm sorry for your pain.Do you have 3 kids together? Does he contact the kids? You say you've been broken up for years but yet he visited daily, is there a reason you didn't get back together whilst he was in the same country?To be blunt, if he's moved abroad then he's most likely happier there and having a great life in a new scene. My guess is you just miss the company now that the kids have gotten their own lives (presuming they are grown up, fled the nest etc by your age range?. I'm guessing you'd gotten so use to having him around and now it feels like a big piece of your life is gone and it hurts.Ordinarily i'd say there's no chance however you owe it go yourself and your sanity to stop being so proud and contact him. Tell him you miss him and want to give things another go. Suggest going out there to talk about it (wherever he's living now). It may even be a case of moving there with him in the long run.You need to de the above for closure purposes or you're going to be sat here night after night waiting for him to come back.I have a strong feeling that he will simply tell you he's moved on and if that's the case, you will have your closure and you will have no other option but to do so yourself. It will be painful, and you'll experience loneliness, sadness, bitterness and all the things that come with a break up but you will have to it for your sanity.Keep us updated xx
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (21 December 2019):
I'm sorry but you can't get him back.
He doesn't love you, he doesn't care if you still love him, he has moved on. He has a new woman and a new life in a new country, he is not going to miss you or realise anything …. not until its too late for all of you anyway (ie kids married, with kids in highschool).
Who cares if he wont divorce you, take the bull by the horns and YOU divorce HIM. Seek advice from a free lawyer to start, if he can afford to move away and support a second family he can afford a decent settlement to make sure you and your kids are okay.
Stop wishing for something that is very unlikely to happen, you are wasting the best years of your life mooning about over somebody who has treated you badly.
For heavens sake, live YOUR life, let this piece of garbage go.
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