A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm 40 years old and will be married for 12 years this month. Last year, I had an affair with my Exec Assistant, who is 8 years older than me and a truly sophisticated lady. It started as friendship, but then I lied to her and told her my marriage was dead, because initially I just wanted to sleep with her. She didn't let me get to first base for months, but a year ago April she slept with me, and by last Christmas I was in love with her and ready to separate from my wife. But then Christmas with the boys made me panic at the thought of it being our last Christmas together, and I tried to reconcile with my wife and confessed everything to her. She didn't want me near my EA, so I called her at home, told her that I told my wife about us, told her I lied about my feelings for her, told her she couldn't come back to work, and sent her an email saying I wanted to end all communication with her. She's a loving and sensitive person, and she has been through a lot in her life. I know she was devastated and that I really hurt her. She was given a large settlement by my employer, and I was demoted. She was very popular at work, and many of my colleagues put it all together and lost respect for me. It has been a rough 8 months for me, but I deserved it.In the months that followed, I tried to forget my EA and fix my marriage, but my wife just did her usual and tried only for a few months and then went back to being her normal disinterested, cold, self absorbed self. I've been in counseling since May 2008, and now I've decided I made the wrong choice staying in the marriage, and I'm ending it. I need to feel like I'm more than just a father to my children. I need to feel loved and valued as a lover. My EA made me feel that and loved me unconditionally. No woman ever made me as happy. She and I could talk endlessly and never tire of each other. When I'd be away on conference, I'd talk to her until I fell asleep with my ear piece on. Whenever she was away on vacation or sick, my whole day felt joyless. She made me feel loved and valued, and everything worked between us effortlessly. There was no arguing, no mind games, and when Friday night came I couldn't wait for Monday to arrive. This separation from her has made me feel dead inside and I realize how much better she made my life and how much less I am without her. She was the warmth in my breath, the fire in my heart, the strength in my soul. She made me a better physician, a better father, a better friend, and a better lover. I guess I'm considered an attractive man, and I've slept with upwards of 20 women in my life, many of them stunningly beautiful. I admit I am a player. But none of these women made me feel what I did with my former EA, and if anyone can make me faithful, it's her. I'd do anything for her. I want her back, but I'm afraid she'll never believe me or trust me. Part of me is afraid I'll hurt her again.I'm inclined to show up at her door and ask her to hear me out. I might get my ass kicked by her son or her boyfriend, but I'm willing to take that risk. I guess I just want to know if anyone here thinks it's the right thing to do, or if I've hurt her too much already and need to leave her alone. Before you condemn me, I'm not proud of the mess I've made of all these lives and mine, but I am getting my life together at last, and I want to do it right.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009): If what you have posted about your "ex-EA" is true, she won't take you back. She already has another bf and you lied about everything and then humiliated her in front of her work colleagues and yours. She had to leave her job because you told your wife everything? Why did you do that? Because you wanted to dump your guilt, that's all. But you should have dealt with your guilt quietly and ended your affair discreetly. Then you could have ended your marriage honorably and hooked up with your EA when you were single again. But for her all of it is now a really terrible experience she's trying to forget. Why ask her to live with it every day of her future? How could you ever make that up to her?
Turn the tables for a minute. If you were in her position, would you be able to trust again? I think sometimes things become too broken to fix, like your marriage. Ultimately its your choice, but I say leave her be. She's happy now. Why spoil that, if you really care about her? Or do you care about yourself more?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): I needed time to think about your responses. I had some vacation time, so plenty of time for introspection and reflection. There has been nothing else but this on my mind for the past 2 weeks.
I never meant to hurt my EA, but I really didn't expect my wife to rally the way she did. But as it has been with her every time we reach the breaking point, her effort/interest is short lived. This is the reason I can't do this with her anymore.
I know what I did was bad. I lied to my EA and told her I was going to divorce. She's a good person. I didn't mean to take advantage of her, but I needed to feel connected to someone. The chemistry and connection with her was unlike anything I have ever felt. Maybe ending it the way I did was the worst thing I could have done to her, but I do believe it was kinder than keeping her in a love triangle. She needed to leave her job with me, because my wife works just a few steps away in the same hospital as me. It would have been impossible to keep my EA working alongside me.
I am going to end my marriage the right way. We have 2 young boys, and we need to be better friends after a divorce than we are now. I don't know how long that will take. Some of you say I should resume contact with my ex EA, some of you say I should end the marriage first, some of you say I should leave my EA alone. I don't want to loose my chance with her, though, and I think the chance of loosing her increases with each passing day. Is maybe the best thing for me to explain everything, apologize to her, and let her know that I'm going through with the divorce? Do you think there is a real chance that she would forgive me and wait for me?
Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): i can sypathise with you, but i have had to leave my job in may of this year, because of an affair with my married boss, i thought he really cared about me,he was the first man i let in in 2yrs after a bad 18yr relationship,he said too many things to me for me to believe he lied, but he has failed to contact me since, and i feel he just used me, perhaps she will feel like that too, i say go for it if you love her,or you may live to regret,better to try and fail, than let someone that sounds so special to you go. you only live once,but i will say this cheat again, and one day you will be a very lonenly man, ive seen it happen,work at what you have,hope all goes well for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): Wow, could you possibly be more entitled?
Why would you deserve a second chance with this woman when she already has a boyfriend with whom you have no reason to believe she is unhappy, and you already have a family you've broken up and should deal with first?
Cry more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): Dear dear friend, lets unpack this:
- “I lied to her and told her my marriage was dead, because initially I just wanted to sleep with her”
-you phoned her, basically fired her sorry ass, and ended all communication with her. Basically humiliated her.
- your employer gave her a huge settlement. So the company is out of pocket a few thousands because you could not keep it in your pants.
- you blame your cheated wife for her not trying hard enough to save your marriage.
-“I admit I am a player.” Speaks volumes, does it mean that you have had more than 1 affair in your marriage. No wonder your wife has lost all faith in you. You now want your former mistress to clense you and to keep you faithful.
- By the way , happy 12th anniversary!
What a tangled web of lies, deceit and betrayal. How do you actually sleep at night? One thing for sure, you have conducted your professional life and personal life the same. You are the common denominator here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): lets facts facts -YOU HAVE NOT SUFFERED IN ANY OF THIS. only your WIFE and your LOVER. now your KIDS. you are not only arrogant but so selfish. darling, its all about you and what you want. and you do not give a hoot of who you destroy in the process. you have messed up two womans lives. for goodness sake, what are you?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): Okay, for the critics, I know that what I did was wrong, but that's past now. I can't change the past, but can't I try to make the future better? Right the wrongs? Doesn't everybody deserve a second chance? She's one of the few women I've given my heart to. I can't accept that I have no chance to make this up to her. I don't want to lose her forever. Her absence has been a huge void in my life for 8 months. Haven't we all suffered enough in this situation?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): Short answer: You don’t get her back.
You screwed up. Going into panic mode after spending Christmas with your boys and telling her she need not return to work was completely unnecessary. Could it not have been arranged for her to be placed elsewhere if you were unable to continue working with her? Surely at some point during this relationship the hypothetical question of “what will we do if this doesn’t work out?” was raised, no? You put her in a situation where she could do nothing less than hate you. Sure, there’s the initial anger, followed by devastation and heart break. She’ll then question whether or not she did anything wrong and will replay every moment together, analyzing everything you ever said to her, wondering how she could have been such an idiot as to not see everything for what it really was. It has been 8 months and I’m sure she has come full circle, or is close anyways. She does not want to relive the past several months of pain. It is absolutely selfish, not to mention disgusting, to think you have any right to speak with her again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): I don't know, once a player. I just don't see you changing much at 40. Since she was devistated she loved you alot and you betrayed her and broke her heart. That was really evil. Especially over the phone?? That's fucked up to tell a woman you didn't feel anything you said.
I don't think she can trust you again after this. It sounds like you fucked with her head real bad. I guess if she will talk to you that's the first thing. The second is if she will agree to see you. Then it would be a matter of proving yourself. A very long time.
I wouldn't just show up at her door though. I don't think so. Yoi would get your ass so kicked! Maybe call her first and if she agrees to see you tell her exactly what you wrote about being the fire. That's a good place to start. But bring flowers and definately some expansive jewellery and be prepared to get down on your knees and beg (lol). Holy hell were you shit. I hope you don't play her again though. Even by player standards that would be brutal. Kinda hope you get your ASS kicked!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): wow what a kind husband and father and adulterer you have been. you f*cked your PA, and fired her ass. morals, what morals??you complaiin so bitterly about your wife, what have you done to rectify the wrongs of your way. did you expect your wife just to forgive, and firget your affair and carry on business as usual. respect? do you even respect your self. obviously not? you are the cold, horrible *******, not your wife. you have destroyed two women here yet you cannot see it. babes, what a gall you have. your sophisticated ex lover (upper crust) actually lowered her standards with you, didn't she?as for your former lover , she needs her head checked if she allows you to come anywhere near her. you deserve all you are getting. i hope your wife takes you to the cleaners, after all she will be justified, wouldn't see.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2009): Thanks for your responses so far.
To answer some questions, does my wife still love me? I think we do love each other, in that we care about each other. I don't believe we were ever "in" love. We met in university and broke up a couple of times. She convinced me we would be good together, but after at least 7 years of riding an emotional rollercoaster with her, I can't do it anymore. Also it is not a good environment for our boys who now get upset and cry when we fight, and my wife does not care what she says to me in front of the kids.
I do not think I knew what it means to be "in" love until I got involved with my former EA. No woman ever made me feel what she made me feel. She loved me exactly as I am, thought I was perfect in every way, and could laugh at my peccadilloes. But I lied to her and told her I didn't mean anything I wrote to her in the hundreds of email I sent her in the few years that we were friends and then lovers. That is why I'm not sure she will believe anything I say anymore, so it is important to me that the one chance I might get is done right. She is not like any other woman.
I'm not officially divorced (these matters take time), and yes, I don't think my former EA will trust me before the divorce is final. But she is an English woman of upper class who is beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent, funny, and the sort of woman that many men would pursue, and I am afraid that if I do not make contact with her soon, she will assume I have no interest/feelings and commit herself to someone else. I'm not afraid to be alone, but I am afraid I will loose the woman I realize was the truest of friends, and that one great love of my life, if I have not lost her already.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2009): You lied and betrayed her in such a profound way and took her for a fool. You even had her fired! She's a smart one and shan't want you back. You're bad news. Leave her alone with her new boyfriend and don't make another scene. You messed up and now deal with the consequences on your own. No EA to help you now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2009): She may or may not want you back. You hurt her feelings when you told her not to come back to work and your feelings for her were fake. She will have a hard time trusting you. Did she love you during that time ? If she did she might forgive you. She might be afraid of your wife if you're still married. Make sure you're divorced first and show her the divorce paper. Tell her how she makes you feel when you're with her. She might say the same thing to you. If she doesn't take you back this time, try again the second time. She'll realize you really love her.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (9 August 2009):
 You didn't mention if you've gotten divorced (or maybe I missed that part). If not, you should do so before pursuing the other woman, because she'll just think you're scared to be alone if you're still married no matter what you tell her she'll definitely see you as a player. Once your divorce is over with, give yourself some time and then contact her. She may slam the door in your face or worse, like you said, so bring roses. And if she doesn't want you back, then hopefully you've learned a hard lesson and will appreciate the next woman who invests her love and her time in you. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2009): Wow this seems like a movie. I want to honestly know, does your wife still love you?
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