A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've recently started dating again after being in a 5yr relationship. What I've noticed though that it gets a lot harder as you get older. Also there are a lot of guys out there who just want sex. I get really angry after the effort I've made in dressing up and they're not taking me seriously but just want to get in my pants. Do you think most guys try it on in the beginning to see what sort of girl you are? I've been on many dates, where a guy has been really forward and hinting at sex and when I haven't put out I never hear from them again...well that's fine good riddance. Any advice, tips to help me weed out the baddies from the very beginning and not waste my time? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): There's no way to tell until they start turning into sleazy perverts.You're doing the right thing by standing your ground. It'll just be a matter of time before a guy comes along who likes you for you rather than your vagina. Some guys (and indeed some women) are only interested in the opposite sex as long as they spread their legs and give it up. They dont care about you as a person and focus on you as a source of vagina. It's crass but it's true.Steer conversations towards nonsexual subject matter. If he is persistant but you really don't want to sleep with him, it's best to end the date politely but quickly and move along.
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (5 October 2007):
 I think putting a time limit or a number on when you should have sex with a new man is absurd.
I really think that it is simply a case of you chosing the wrong type of man. Personally when I met my wife we waited at least a month before we slept together. This allowed us to really get to know each other. Niether of us are prudes, and we are both as randy as hell and each of us has plenty of notches in the belt from one night stands. But when we met each other the chemistry was such that neither wanted to put the growing relationship in doubt by jumping the gun. It just seemed natural.
So I therefore think that if you feel you need to select a number of dates before you should drop your undies then you have probably met the wrong person. For a start it shouldnt be all about him getting into your pants. It's as though you are surrendering to him. Women like sex as well as far my own experience goes, so why should it be a case of the guy has to "wait" to get his reward...this is absurd reasoning and signifies an immature attitude to male female relationships ( please, this is not a criticism aimed at you ).
The bottom line is, if you meet these guys and there is pressure for sex from almost the gitgo, then it is obvious what they want in their future. And if you are an intelligent caring individual you deserve better.
Good luck, and dont give up, there are plenty of guys out there who will respect you for who you are and you can both enjoy the mind blowing nookie when it comes around. Boy there's nothing like the first time after you wait for a month!
Another thing, if you do meet a guy , who get on well and you sleep together after say the second date and then his attitude changes, you should see this as a lucky escape. Because what does this say about him?
p.s. I would bet at least half the guys who are trying to get you into the sack straight off are married.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): I just want to comment on this observation from samohir:"I had couple of relationship(and only this year) which were first or second date sex, and can tell you,lead nowhere.Better stay aside till you have enough confidence with who you re dealing with."This can certainly be true some of the time, maybe most of the time, but not always. My wife and I had sex on the second date, but I went slowly and she wanted to. I would not have pressed the point if she had said no, but it did not hurt our relationship. The first man she met after her divorce was at a bar and she went to bed with him that night. He was very good to her, treated her nicely and that relationship lasted for about 18 months. He would have probably asked her out for a real date if she had refused. Waiting until the 2nd date will weed out a lot, the 3rd even more, but where do you set it. You may lose a good one if you say no too many times. That number of times depends on you and what the other person is like and I don't know the correct answer, but it might even be the first sometimes or not until the 10th.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (4 October 2007):
 I guess a suggestion I have is to observe where the man is looking when the dating proposition comes up. If the man keeps looking at your chest or rear, then he is probably just after sex. If he looks you in they eyes and can hold a gaze, then he might be worth the date. I've found that if the man's motivations are not honorable, he will have a hard time looking you in the eyes. Good luck to you and find a winner.
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A
female
reader, samohir  +, writes (4 October 2007):
 You re probably sexy woman,since the hint is about sex, and as far as i can conclude a wise one! You do the best, one that would like you more than just a f*ck buddy will have a patiance. I had couple of relationship(and only this year) which were first or second date sex, and can tell you,lead nowhere.Better stay aside till you have enough confidence with who you re dealing with.
best of luck:)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): What you are now doing is probably the best thing that I can think of. My wife says that she wishes that she had done what you are doing 30 years ago, but she thought that she was supposed to give in on the first date. She regrets that, but thought that she had to do that to have a chance of finding someone after her divorce. She had just turned 30 and didn't feel attractive. That was far from being the truth. I was the first guy in the 3 years after her divorce who didn't try to get her into bed on the first date. Maybe that is why she eventually married me. Some of those guys were good to her, but others just wanted sex. If you can't weed out these guys before the first date, at least you will not later feel bad about going to bed with someone for a one night stand. If you don't let yourself be used then you won't have to feel like you were. I don't think that these guys are just trying to find what kind of woman you are. I think that they just don't care about you and your feelings. They just want to get into your pants. There are a lot of guys that just want that to help their ego. There are also a lot of others that really want a relationship. Maybe not marriage, but at least get the chance to know you and treat you right. They probably still want sex. I know that I did, but I at least respected her as a person and just not a sex object.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): From a bloke's point of view, short of asking any particular potential partner if they fancy sex on a first or second date, and weeding out those that say yes, I don't see how you can.
Perhaps your pants are considered worthy of getting into, in which case you should be flattered! If you give in straight away, well, you know how you'll be judged, but any chap who is seriously interested in you will have all the patience in the world as far as nookie is concerned,and will probably even wait for you to bring the subject up.
Perhaps the ladies on here can be a little more constructive!
Phil
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