A
male
age
41-50,
*eadspace
writes:I live in L.A., and met my girlfriend 5 months ago while traveling for work in San Francisco. We hit it off and started a long distance relationship. She's 21 and still in school and I'm 30 and working. She was able to visit 1-2 times a month for a week at a time, and I'd be there for a few days the other weeks. The first 3 months were amazing and we both said we never felt such an intense connection as we had. Hours and hours on the phone getting to know each other were spent when we weren't together, and the times together were even more intense.Last I saw her was middle of January after she came for 2 weeks for Christmas. She went to visit girlfriends one weekend, who live an 1.5 hrs away, and suddenly decided that she was going to move in with them. Obviously having fun, she didn't get too many chances to talk as much as we had. She'll be even further away from me. In the process of moving, one of her family members became ill and she flew out to the East Coast with her mother to support. She says she'll be out there for the month of February and March.Throughout our time together, my feelings became stronger and even thought of moving to be closer to her. Yesterday, we spoke and I wanted to gauge where we're at. Turns out she's been thinking about us too. She said she's still attracted to me, but thinks "we were meant to be with other people." There are differences in our personalities(ex: she's a Republican, I'm a Democrat) that she would not want either of us to compromise on and doesn't believe people should change themselves at all for a mate. The points she made about our differences show immaturity where little things seem to matter(like leaving the water on while brushing teeth), but in the long run do not. On top of this, she says she believes she and her ex were meant to be(even though he's now married). This is a guy she dated when she was 15-19(and was going to marry) and said she is still not over him. She said there's absolutely no other guy, wants us to be friends and still talk on the phone as we normally do because we do click so well.How do I turn this around? Obviously, I don't want to be "just friends". I know it's only been 4 months, and We had such an intense beginning and depth of feelings. Depth that she claims she "thought was there" in the moment, but now after thinking about it, she claims was not there.Is this just her being scared that we really can achieve a real meaningful relationship? Her ex screwed her over by cheating on her, and is this just a bell ringing to tell her to move on before she gets hurt? I know she's only 21 and idealistic, but I really feel we have something good and I looked so hard to find. The distance created an amazing friendship and understanding that made our physical attraction even that much more intense. But is there such thing as the proximity matters? I finally found someone, who I thought was amazing, and as quickly as I found it, it's quickly going away. I know we have a bunch of obstacles in the way, like her age, the distance, her ex, but I feel we can over-come them together.Since our conversation, I've tried the no-contact, but she's been texting every day. I broke down and texted back, but kept the responses short and answer her questions. Last night we spoke on the phone and it was like "being friends" updating me on what she's doing. I don't want the window to close here. Help!
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male
reader, deadspace +, writes (16 March 2008):
deadspace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's been a while since I posted and have found some peace with the issue and new information! First off, I have not had any contact with her since the last post. The last conversation was her updating me on whatever she was doing and me being slightly detached. I think this was a good move, as she has since stopped calling and texting. Now, the new information....turns out that she wasn't moving to be with her girlfriends after all and still living in the same place! I broke the rule of complete no contact, and saw her myspace updates! AND, she hasn't been on the East Coast as she said, but doing whatever here on the West Coast!! LIES! I'm not sure how to interpret this. I know we started out apart as it was, and is this just her way of 'chickening out' and instead of breaking up in person, just to do it over the phone?? Scared that this was something real, but again, due to trust issues, figured it'd be the easiest(immature) way to deal with us?? I can't help but feel really really cheated here. Speaking of cheating, based on the profile, there is no other guy....I thought I was doing well, but now there are all these questions in my head!
A
male
reader, deadspace +, writes (3 March 2008):
deadspace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEven though it was a short whirlwind relationship, I care a lot for this girl. I didn't want to give up too easily if there was a way to figure it out. Her statement of "we are meant for different people" hurt so much, but I wanted to get other opinions to gauge if it's just a response from someone 21 and not mature, who's been hurt in the past and didn't want to get hurt again. I know, it's a very strong statement and very blunt. However, in regards to the long distance deal being intense for you: was it like that during your physical interactions? It SO was for us, and that's the part I am struggling with. The phone convos added depth to the physical interactions. I guess it's best to have a balance, so as you pointed out, facial expressions, body language etc. can be taken into account?Finally, now that you're out of your 20's, do you think you're views/opinions at 21 really changed by the time you hit 30? I know everyone is different, but from a female point of view, this is valuable for me to understand so that I don't set such high expectations with a girl in her early 20's like this one.
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