A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel like a massive loser and I'm starting to panic that my life will never be normal. I just turned thirty and I'd imagined all these stupid things that would have happened by now. I've recently come out of a horrible relationship. My boyfriend took drugs recreationally at the start of our relationship but gradually I think he's turned into an addict. When he came down he would say and do the most awful things. It all exploded in the end and when I tried breaking it off he got angry and assaulted me. He was then on bail and was caught drink driving and had cannabis in his car. So he's now in custody until I don't know when. I was with somebody else for 8 years, he ended up having an affair then dumped me and got married to her within 8 months. He sometimes hit me and did awful things like tip food over my head or cans of beer then not let me shower. I'm trying my best not to get upset and feel like I'm a massive loser who just finds the worst kind of men to be in a relationship with. I work full time, I have my own place, but I struggle with money as it's a low paid job. After an argument with my ex he blurted out that he had this fake Facebook account and was mad because I'd responded to a message he sent hoping to trap me into flirting with him or cheating. The only thing I said in response was 'I'm ok thank you x' and he went mad because I'd put an x on the end. I realise how pathetic he is for even thinking about doing that. I looked at this fake account and he's friends with an ex from over a decade ago so obviously he's made this thing just to chat with exes. So I just feel like an un-loveable loser at the moment. How can I turn my life round, I feel like I'm getting too old to start again or find a nice guy to settle down with. Has anybody been through abusive relationships and turned their life around?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2015): You set low-standards for the men you've invited into your life; because you don't believe you deserve any better. You know you need work; so you figure if you over-look his flaws, he'll overlook yours. You feel a strong man will make you feel protected. Machismo isn't strength. It's a facade men put-on to seem more manly than they really are.
Women often commit themselves to awful men who aren't a good match; because they figure he'd accept all her flaws, and he's a "fixer-upper." A guy she can change with her love and devotion. You've watched too many chic-flicks and you've read too many romance novels, girlfriend. In the real-world, a tool is a tool. He starts out bad, and only gets worse; once he knows he pulls your heartstrings.
They are sexy, romantic, good-looking, alluring and magnetic in every way a man can be. They have to be. They are emotional-predators and narcissists. They seduce you into dismissing the red-flags you see. They force you to forgive them for the pain they inflict; because he knows how to bring you to orgasm. He mixes pain with pleasure. These monsters use their charm and fake-tears to get your sympathy for giving you a black-eye. Sex is usually what starts the emotional-addiction to them. That's why I used "sex" as a reference, my dear.
These guys will beat the hell out of you one minute; and make you feel like he wouldn't trade you for a sack of gold, when he gets you in bed. I know, because I have personally dragged women I care dearly for, out of abusive relationships. I mean well-educated intelligent women. Their boyfriends were usually on a lower-rung socially; but often just as educated. Even professional-men, with good reputations; but harboring a dark secret. They hit women!
That kind of animal doesn't deserve to be called a man!
Don't transfer all their bad qualities and weakness onto yourself. You've made some bad choices, my dear; but that doesn't make you bad. As a mature woman, you have to look back on past mistakes to learn from them. It is foolish and neglectful of your well-being to subject yourself over and over to that "type" of men. You are drawn to super-macho bad-boy types. Anything short of an Amazon or a cave-woman will not make it with those kind of guys. You're lucky to have survived it all.
You've lost a few attempts at love, but that doesn't make you a loser, nor unlovable. Just compare who you are as a person and a woman; to who those men are as men. They hit women, have drug problems, and one ended up in jail. The other hit you, then went and married some new victim of domestic-violence. How does that make you a loser, dear lady? You're a winner for being a survivor, and looking for help! You are still here to talk about it. Too many are not so lucky!
"Loser" is the lie loneliness and frustration whispers in your ear when you've been through hell and back. You don't give-in to self-blame and defeat; unless you go and hitch your heart to yet another neanderthal. Try looking for guys who walk upright (literally) and show you respect. Get some counseling for possible post traumatic stress disorder; you are surely feeling depression, and showing signs of crushed self-esteem from all the mistreatment and abuse.
See a medical doctor first. You have to determine if you are suffering depression from physiological issues that require medical attention. The doctor will recommend any further course of treatment, or make a referral to a specialist.
Avoid any new relationships, or creating close ties with men until you have gotten a medical-evaluation for stress and depression from a mental-health and/or healthcare-provider. You are not in a good state of mind. Victims often blame themselves; when the culprits who did them harm are the ones at fault. At least you didn't defend their bad behavior! Then you'd have it really bad!!!
You should go online and search for several local women's support-groups (preferably close to where you live); and counseling for victims of abuse and domestic-violence. I recommend a support-group; because you need to share your story, and hear those of others in-order to benefit from the empathy of other people who are "former" victims. Women making progress, who know your experience first-hand. It aids in the healing process. I turned to my lady-friends when a guy broke my heart by dumping me. No one gave me more strength and determination to heal then they did. They didn't judge me for being dumb or being gay. They related to what I felt and helped me.
In some cultures, women have no professionals they can turn to. Tradition allows men to treat them as they please. I hope that isn't the case for you. I pray it isn't!
Women offer each other support that can be unmatched by any other form or bonding; aside from motherhood. They can console you like a sister, act as an adviser when you feel yourself slipping into despair. If you can find yourself a women's support-group; there is a counselor in charge to turn to for professional-advice. Often a former-victim themselves. I don't know what part of the world you live in. I hope you have help available!
People have explained here on DC, that they have avoided therapists; thinking they're being judged. You need someone trained to to dig deep into your fears, in-order to explore, expose, and analyze your traumatic-past. They help you to find the issues that compel you to return to guys like that; or go out and find their clones, once you've managed to get away from them. You know better, but find yourself subjecting yourself to abuse, again and again.
You have been emotionally-damaged by abusers. You are feeling the painful symptoms of the wounds they've inflicted. You have emotional scars. It's not by any means your fault, and please accept no blame for people hitting you for any reason. To think such a way would lead you to believe you deserve what you got. That's when you'll go find someone else who'll hurt you.
Good luck in your search for help, dear lady! My heart goes out to you!
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (10 February 2015):
 Hi Op...First...you do not need to be in an abusive relationship to turn your life around. You just have to want to, and then work at it. Yes...it takes work to get your life back. Sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself will get you one place...sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself.I hope with all that has happen you have removed this man from your life completely. If not, you are not ready to start over. Second...you are not even close to being to old. You are to old when you are dead. :)First step...Get this loser thing out of your mind and as far away from you as possible. Then get mad...not at your ex, but at yourself for letting some jack arse guy treat you like that. Stand your ground against all new comers. This woman will never go that low for any man ever again.Courage is looking fear, self doubt, sadness, loneliness, hate, and every negative thing life has to offer in the face and say "BRING IT!!! LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT"As long as there is life in your body, fight for what is right in your life. Never let anyone destroy who you are.
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