A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How do I turn crush into a long lasting nonsexual friendship. Happily married with kids. Want a long-term great friendship that's not sexual. Hate to ruin it with tendency to want want extra attention from her. There's got to be a way to focus and treasure the nuances of what makes her special instead of her sexuality, just don't know what to look for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): I am in a similar situation to you but have gone a lot deeper emotionally although there is no physical relationship. I think you need to be honest about your feeling towards your lady friend such that you do not do anything to hurt your family and her. Try answering the following questions honestly. (1) Do you find her attractive? (2) Do you enjoy being around her often and why? (3) Do you feel pain when you know she is lonely? (4) How do you feel if you lose contact with her completely for a week and have no idea about what is happening with her? (5) Do you have a habit of thinking about her just before you go to sleep? (6) Have you ever shed a tear because of her? (7) Have you ever fantasied about you and her together in a domestic environment? (8) Have you ever masterbated while thinking about her? (9) Do you feel like doing things for her? (10) How much are you prepared to tell your wife about her?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): Oh god, that's me. Except I'm the one with the crush on a very young lady, and I've got a wife an son, and I don't want to destroy that. So, I've drawn a line that I won't cross, but sometimes my feelings go rampant.
I would dearly love if "my friend" would start treating me like a "guy friend" and start finding a nice boyfriend. But now, she's telling me how lonely she is and how she can't meet nice guys, and it just kills me. Maybe because I've got a nurturing side, maybe because I wish I were available.
So, I've read the other posts, and yes, there is (was) a lot of loneliness in my life, despite being married. I think I was using the relationship with my young friend to compensate for some of what was missing in my life.
But, I find that time is helping, as I / we continue to see each other and work with each other. Yeah, we work together, we study together, so we have a reason to see each other. Sometimes I just like to be next to her. But with time, the relationship is tempering down, my emotions are calming down and we're becoming more sensible about this. At least I am.
If she were more aggressive, I'd end it. Problem is slightly that she is receptive to my attention, and it's becoming more than just a casual flirt.
And I don't want to hurt her; she should be out finding an available man. Not me.
So, it hurts. It hurts when she tells me of her unhappiness. It hurts when she tells me that she's going to move away, to keep looking because there's nothing here for her. It hurts, for my own selfish reasons, but it still hurts.
And as the last poster said, what if she ends up wanting more? I can't give her more. I suppose then that will be a world of pain.
I've had lots of platonic relationships with women. Maybe they are getting too dangerous. I don't know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): many of us have never learned the tools of how to massage sexual feelings. Deep down we all want to feel special, and sexual tension is the easiest way to feel it. But it's a cheat. Did you have a past history with her? Are you reliving past fantasies? The past is dead. Use this friend to develop the tools of a mature adult relationship. Guage your own reactions first, understand them, then you will understand hers. You'll probably find that your desire for something intimate is your attempt to make her answer your own unknowns and insecurities. That is not a bad thing, or even a crush, it is a normal, healthy step towards true self-confidence. If you want a good friendship, explore these desires towards her and answer them along the way. She'll sense she's helping you grow just by being herself. That could turn into a healthy long-term friendship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): Perhaps crush was the wrong word. The feeling is not always solely sexual. Often it's just the extra ounce of intimacy -something more. This happens all the time, and it can strain both parties. Friendships take time and patience. You can't rush in and make them special. Continue to look for nuances, let the friendship evolve. Look to discover. If you find it's one sided (example, you discover her but she doesn't discover you), then look to other friends for the desired intimacy. Remember, always discuss your concerns with your wife. She will recognize that you have something unfulfilled and help you discover it along with you. Hopefully she'll want to discover this friend along with you, and see the qualities of the friendship that benefits you somehow. Or she'll be jealous as hell. Eitherway, you'll have plenty of "rush" to deal with. But if she loves you, she'll encourage you to acknowledge what you need. If not, your marriage will be agonizing over time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): Crushes are fantasies, not reality. If you have a crush you are not doing your job to find those "nuances" that make her the real friend/buddy your after. I'm a guy, so I'd want a woman to ask questions that tells me she's listening and trying to find her own associations from her own life. Gradually things add up to a platonic bond that way more fastenating and interesting then sexual energy only. Another example, acknowledging flirtation is a rush, but a more long lasting rush is to discover you've loved the same character from a book since childhood. How about discovering you've had the same huge embarassing incident. Perhaps women could respond more accurately to how they stave crushes into something more meaningful and long lasting. By the way, you should do the above with your wife, probably before you married her.
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A
female
reader, sydney  +, writes (8 July 2008):
i read this a few times hun and i think you need to think very carefully. you say you have a crush? to me a crush is a feeling and any kind of feelings in this area can and often lead to a sexual thing ( not always no, it can happen that you can like a member of the opposite sex with out any sexuall thing involved at all) it the fact that you use the word crush that worries me.. and you have also mentioned that you dont want any extra attention from her. think this through what if she in time wants or feels more it is then going to end in hurt. so i would you suggest you sit down and talk.. talk it all through, and you also say you are married with kids, this could have an impact on your marriage. you cannot play with people feelings so i would suggest caution
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