A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I can't cope with LiesI've been married to my wife for 4 years, we have been together for 7 we have two children between us, my daughter is a toddler and my stepson is nearly a teenager, I want the best for both of them as the priority here, but I'm worried about our Marriage.I love my wife but I'm increasingly finding it difficult to cope with her lies. I no longer feel I know what is the truth and what's the lie and its effecting my rational judgement turning it into an irrational one, which is affecting all aspects of my life and I feel unhappy and generally down. It's obviously difficult to explain the whole picture and I can only give one side to this, which is mine. I always try to take both sides into account and I will admit I'm not the perfect husband, but I have never cheated on my wife, I work hard to support our family and other than the little white lies that we all make, I'm totally honest with her, I could not live with my conscience if I wasn't, any guilt would get to me too much. The lies revolve mainly around money. My wife has been in debt since we met, I helped her clear this, partly with some inheritance money I had shortly before we married and I thought this was the best start to marriage debt free. A year after we married we had our daughter and my wife suffered severely with post natal depression, this was hard on all of us, but clearly a lot more so on her. Counselling about various issues did not really help and I discovered sometime later that she was spending money to help her cope, which was no small amount in the region of £12,000 to £15,000. I had questioned a number of concerns I had regarding this and they were brushed away and I was told nothing was happening, until I discovered the truth and extent of it. We both worked hard to clear this, but the exact same thing occurred for a second time, to almost the same sum. Again throughout I questioned certain things and was continually lied to. The only way I was able to gain the full truth was to be deceitful myself and monitor her emails and accounts for proof of rising debts. Over this time she gave up access to credit, debit cards, store cards, you name it we worked hard to resolve this compulsion to spend money to feel happy and trust was lost and gained over a two to three year period, but all this was clearly taking a toll on our relationship and you can imagine we argued a lot about our finances and relationship suffered a lot. I later discovered that she was also in contact with an ex boyfriend via messages for a few months period and she'd actually met up with him once for lunch in the middle of our worst period of debt and arguments and once I'd found out and showed her what evidence I had for this that contact, it was long over and I believed her when she told me nothing happened, she was enjoying the attention she got as our relationship was not good and I completely understand that, who wouldn't want to feel wanted? deep down I still do believe nothing went on. Prior to this I would never have doubted her love and commitment to me, this though did deal a huge blow and has given me that little doubt now.Things improved, but we argued a lot we both got frustrated and lies about spending money continue to this day, we're still in debt but are coping with it. Lies now seem to be second nature to her, she will lie to me about all aspects of her and the the children's lives, anything she knows I won't want to hear, she lie to avoid telling me the truth and has become excellent at it, from small to large things, she justifies this by telling me she knows I'll get angry and doesn't like that reaction. Yes I do get angry but I'm more angry about finding out that I've been lied to than I am if told the truth.Just recently we've gone through a rough patch with spending again and not getting along all that well, mainly due to family life and having a toddler that's stressful enough right there without the other added on top. However, she has been in touch again with another ex and recently went to watch him play in a band with friends, she did tell me up front and I said I wasn't happy about her going as she would have a fit if it was the other way round, she said she wouldn't go, but still did anyway and told me afterwards instead, she also said they only said hi etc with a quick catch up. I then discover that they exchanged phone numbers and had been in contact, I questioned a few things and was again lied to over and over, when I knew the truth and was looking for honesty, which I eventually got. Again I don't believe anything happened, but that seed of doubt has been cast once again. I'm lied to every other day about the goings on with money and this, that and the other. We came to arrangement on her spending, but she soon started straying from that and lies about it to this day. Sorry for waffling, but it is difficult to give good background and explanations to things, but the short of it is I do not believe a word my wife tells me about anything anymore and I doubt everything she says. Its eating away at me and I want what's best for the kids and I believe that we need to work at it and stay together, but any trust has almost evaporated away and I don't know if I can ever trust her again, how do I start to trust again?
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male
reader, confused12345  +, writes (28 January 2011):
I have a similar problem without the boyfriend issues. However, let me add that she will not allow me to see her full credit card bill. She says to trust her. This is really driving me nuts. If there weren't kids involved i would probably have just left. This is the third time she lies to me about it. I'm not mad, I'm just devastated that she could keep lying to me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for the responses, it does help hearing your opinions and thoughts. (no matter your age!)
My wife needs help we both know that, she loves me, I know that deep down too, I neglect her for periods of time due to some of our problems and I find it difficult to get out of it at times, I need to work on that a lot too and be there for her more, when she needs it.
Financially, I do control everything, everything is in my sole name that is important (mortgage etc) All savings were wiped out on debt and I'm tying to rebuild those slowly. My wife has a debt hanging over her (us) for the next 15 years in a debt management plan which I have made clear I won't help with as that gives license to spend huge ammounts again.
I do the grocery shopping, I always have (she doesn't drive) The problem in the past has been too easy obtaining credit, this is almost dried up for her now, but the pattern is starting again and as a comment her rightly says an addict is an addict, there are still means of obtaining credit and that next fix.
You've shown me we need to sit and talk again and I'm far from perfect, this is my one sided view here remember, I'm shure my wife has gripes about me.
We need to work hard at making this work and sort our problems for the benefit of our whole family
Thank you.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (17 September 2010):
 The first step is admitting you have a problem. I can tell you love your wife, but you're going to have to tune into some tough love. I'm the frugal one is my marriage believe it or not I was like your wife(not the extreme) but still a shopaholic. However, until I finish school we are living off one income, which isn't very easy..when generally a household has 2 incomes in order to live comfortably. I give my husband an allotted allowance of $80 for 2 weeks. If he runs out, I don't give him anymore, he has to learn to prioritize and budget on his own. But I know Britain has a higher cost of living versus where I live. Still you can apply the same concept. Only give her money for the necessities, groceries and gas, no extra money. However, I don't know if she can even handle grocery shopping so you might have to do that. You're going to have to solely control the finances and start saving, each paycheck take something out of each of your paychecks then put into a separate account. One, preferably in your name only and that she can't get access to. So you can start building a cushion or more importantly fund counseling. From your update, money looks like the root of your problem. Honestly, I know it's going to always be a problem, when will it not? But try not to let it take over your marriage, find that love you have for your wife. It's still there, then she probably won't feel the need to hang out with ex's if she getting the attention and love from you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010): I really feel for you man. I have the same type of personality, if I even tell a white lie the guilt eats me alive. And when people break your trust, and continuously do it on purpose, I get the same way as you. Just depressed about the whole situation and feel hopeless. I don't scream or yell, kick the ex's ass, I just get depressed. You've been a saint to this lady. You've helped her through thick and thin. But what you need to learn is that you can't help people who don't want to help themself.
You need to get her to treatment for her shopping. Just getting out of debt, and taking the cards won't do anything. If you take cocaine, and drug money away from a cocaine addict they're still going to be addicted, and they're still going to do the cocaine. She has a mental problem and needs to learn how to cope and manage it.
Secondly, she is willingly lying to you every day. About other men. The shopping is one thing because thats a mental problem, but she is blatantly being dishonest about other men to you. Even though she knows it hurts you she does it anyways. Don't be with someone who doesn't care about you.
My advice would be to lay it all on the line. Tell her the shopping needs to stop, and she needs help with that. And if the lying about other things continues you're leaving. You can't fix someone who doesn't want to fix themselves. The ball is in her court and her answer will let you know what she cares about more.
And if you're like me I know you probably won't take this advice, because you'll dwell on the good things you guys did or had but I think only one person cares about the relationship, and thats you. Don't sell yourself short and put up with all that when you've done nothing to deserve being treated like this
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response. I agree with many of your views.
I took over finances initially & gave that trust back again. The debts reoccured therefore I took over again being harder this time, by not helping with any of the debts from our joint income & ensured she entered a debt plan based soley on her own income, which is in place now. I give her an allowance & had an agreement if she sold things she could spend that on top. It doesn't solve all the problems unfortunately and she still finds other means which cause arguments and distrust
Yes she is a shopoholic. Clothes, shoes, make up etc. She admits this but won't seek proper help as she doesn't want to deal with root cause.
I understand your view on 'is money that important', unfortunately it is, we're not well off, cost of living is high & are children 3 & 11 female & male who share a room, we have other priorities for our finances, instead £30,000 has been lost due to depression/addiction and we're going to be where we are now for some time. That I have come to terms with, but the lies are hard to deal with now.
Yes our marriage does suffer with this and yes I'd agree this is why the communication/flirting has occured with ex's, but I struggle to be a happy with my wife all the time when debts are so high & over spending continues it puts a wedge between us for weeks & months at a time.
Counselling would be an option, I'd have to convince my wife initially, but also its quite expensive here as I've looked at costs recently and we could not afford them, neither do we fall into an income bracket that would allow us a reduced rate or free, it's a catch 22 and I think writting on here is allowing me to air my feelings and seeing your response answers what I think I knew already, I just needed to hear it from someone else.
Thank you
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010): hey im 15 and i know u aint gonna want any advice from a kid my age but my dad used to have a gf like urs.....she was always telling lies and spending money my dad and her broke up a while back and she got custody of there 2 kids and to make matters even worse she got back together with one of her xs she had been chatting to whilst being with my dad ....my dad was left heart broken but it seemed like she didnt care all im saying is when the trust is gone it is really hard to get back i had to sit and watch my dad and his gf argue all the time they tried to make things work but it didnt because there was no trust .. i hope this is helpful in some way
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (16 September 2010):
Money is the number one argument in a marriage. Thank god, me and my husband don't argue about it. You're going to have to take over the finances and be the frugal one since she clearly feels the need to blow it. As a woman, I understand the need for a little retail therapy from time to time but what in the world is she spending nearly $19,000-$23,450 on? That's just irresponsible. Maybe she's a shop-acholic and really has a problem, but in order to stay debt free you're going to have to strip her of all debit and credit cards, checks, and give her a weekly cash allowance to make her learn the value of money. Do I fill up gas tank or purchase this really cute scarf at Harrod's?
As far as the marriage part goes, clearly you're wife has more issues than just managing money, there's depression, and what's lacking in your marriage to cause her to stray. I can almost bet it's all the fighting over money that has pushed her away..really is money worth fighting over? If we didn't deal with money could we avoid half the fights we have and possibly reduce the divorce rate? However, we can only ask what if but have to get real and fix the problems at hand. The only other thing I suggest is marriage counseling so you both can seek help and work on it as a team. You need to work on forgiving and trusting her again in order to go forward with this marriage.
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