A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years now and to the outside world it's seemed like a fairytale romance. He's my first boyfriend because I always told myself to wait for the moment when it seemed perfect, and it did. We had rough patches but we always worked through our issues. In the beginning he did things behind my back, like going out and talking to exes flirtaciously to spite me, but he stopped doing that about 3 months in. He was my first everything. We essentially live together, are only apart when the other is working, which for the past year I was the only one working as he had difficulty getting a job until I kicked him in the butt to get one. One night, I had asked him to help me send a resume out to a potential job and when he opened his Windows explorer, an album of photos popped up and he quickly x'd out of it and refused to let me look. The next day while he was at work, I looked at the album and found several others of him dressed "differently" and provocatively to say the least. I drank myself silly and when he came home from work he said he'd never lie to me again and that he could never see me do anything like I did that day again. We cried, hugged, and said that this being 100% honest and open thing was the best thing for our relationship.No less than one week later, I stumbled upon a secret email address and facebook account for those photo's alter ego, which I discovered were aliases and... Such. He didn't want to give me the information, but reluctantly gave me it saying that he barely used it and it was empty. I looked and sure enough it was empty, but his trash box wasn't, including the most recent from a few hours before to the photographer saying "forget this email address ever happened, I'll write you from a new one soon,".I continued through the trash box and throughout our relationship has apparently been posting and responding to personals on craigslist for sexual favors and the likes for things that I couldn't physically be able to do and are definitely on the taboo side. He responded to several of these "women" and occasionally had back and forth conversations, though brief. Many sent pictures and he talked dirty to them, something he and I had never done outside of our most intimate moments. I've always expressed being more adventurous and googling new things that we could share together, but after confronting him on all of this, he said he was embarrassed. He swore up and down that he didn't do a thing with any of these people, and it was just a curious streak In him that his rebellious dark side wanted to explore. I accepted that, or at least tried to, as we all do have our inner demons. I have gained 60 pounds since he and i started dating, but I can't even blame it on the weight because he was doing this when I was at my thinnest. I also dress up less because if my insecurities about my weight and I do feel responsible because of that. I told him since this came to light that we could start sexually exploring more, but ended up getting hurt and disappointed. He does have a ton of baggage that we worked out, such as self perceived inadequacies in every way, and many family issues, but he genuinely seemed pretty normal on the outside (sad that almost 2 years is me just knowing the outside.) Although I did threaten and try to break up with him after that, we did work it out(so far). For the first several days, a lot of crying, and hugging, we were getting more and more out. I'm having less and less anxiety, and finally able to sleep without waking up sad. I feel we've hit a wall in this progress and when I tried to bring it up today it became as if I was talking to a 4 year old boy who didn't want to brush his teeth, folding his arms and flailing his legs about. I know he wants to resume his plans as he was before to propose, as we've discussed it and that it was going to happen in the next week or so, but I'm not sure what I should do! He genuinely seems to be telling the truth. We really have broken down so many walls, and he seems to feel better. I genuinely do love him with all of my heart. We do complement each other well, and no matter how awful the situation, we do work it out. My issue is his honesty and fidelity. I've never once even made the motion to reciprocate and flirting or moves put on by men, and I am asked daily at my job by many different men, some of which who are good-looking and have jobs. How I felt about him a month ago, I would have said yes in a heart beat, but knowing what I know, I'm glad it didn't happen then.I hate that when I first met him I wasn't a jealous person but have become one. Even when we first started dating I wasn't, but because of all of the little things In the beginning and the big things now, I compulsively check his emails, facebook, and google his name, alias or any other association to him online that I haven't discovered yet, as that is how I have found things in the past. I feel conditioned to expect something bad to happen, and he seems broken hearted that i speak that way. I never doubted that he loved me, i can see he does, but i am unsure of what he wants in his life. I care too much about him as a lover, a friend, and hopefully future soul mate to let him keep on this path. I am trying to be strong, but I am not sure that my "strength" is my weakness. My question is, how do I handle this jealousy and compulsion, and learn to trust him? I want to say "yes" when he proposes and begin the rest of our lives together, but how can I be sure that there are no more lies? Am I stupid for trying to work this out?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 December 2010):
 what a horrible amount of angst you have had to deal with. Far, far too much angst. And despite his folded arms etc his attitude tells me it is not out of his system yet. I would suggest you both need another twelve months before the big proposal be considered. This guy has spent way too much time online. And way too little being honest and open with you.
Plus putting on the weight suggests you
have been put under too much stress and made to shoulder too much in this relationship.
Could the two of you join the same gym and work out together?
There is much talking and relationship building that you and he need to do for this relationship to grow and discuss the many issues that will be crucial to resolve
now, before you take the next step.
And join a cooking class together to build more quality time together, doing things together.
You have been caring patient and kind to him, up to now, but you have been cutting him too much slack. If he is ever to be committed husband material he has to demonstrate he can commit to you fully, forstaking all others, now.
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