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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hello, I am writing for advice so I can (hopefully) put this issue to rest. My boyfriend and I had been dating for 3 years when he suddenly decided to break up with me. He said our relationship wasn't going anywhere. I was stunned by this, because he had never brought it up before. He joined a dating site about a day or two later and began looking for someone else. We remained friends even though I was completely devastated and heart broken over the entire situation. After a few months, he had absolutely no luck on the dating site, so he wanted me back. I resisted for a while but finally decided to get back together with him because I had always loved him. We've been together again for a while now, but I feel like I can't trust him ever again after what happened. I'm constantly afraid he's going to dump me out of the blue again. Also, I fear he may be in contact with a girl off the dating site. I have no proof of this, but the fear is always there. I've brought up the subject with him and he assures me he has deleted the one phone number he got from his phone and cancelled the dating site subscription.I never had this problem before we broke up. I trusted him completely. Now I don't trust him at all. When he tells me how much he loves me, I don't believe him. How could he possibly love me after what he did? He may like me, but I'll never believe he loves me again.If you have any suggestions or advice please help. I love him and want to stay with him, but I don't know how to get past this issue. It upsets me because I don't want to be like this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): He dont love you,you are just better than nothing. He was that desperate he registered on internet dating and even that didnt work. He didnt suddenly realise he loved you,he realised he couldnt get anyone better,and if he had, then he wouldnt have wanted you back. Get someone better,he doesnt deserve you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): The man is with you because he never found better. Why do you want to be with someone who stooped so low as to go on a dating site? He's not trustworthy,you are right not to trust him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): I have a close friend who went through something really similar. The guy she'd been dating and becoming serious with dumped her suddenly saying he didn't see it lasting He tried to connect with his ex from his hometown...A year later he came back to her saying she wanted to get to back together. She finally took him back, but 4 years after the fact, she still confides to me that she doesn't entirely trust him. When I asked her why she agreed to date him again (I told her, I could never do that), she admitted she wasn't sure she could find anyone else. They've now been together about 7 years, have a good relationship on the face of it, and from what I can see, it's him that feels more on edge that he'll lose her. He goes to farther lengths to make her happy then he did before. Knowing both her and him fairly well, I can perhaps pass along this advice:1. People f*ck up. They have fleeting emotions that they give too much weight to and they come to believe are true. They say hurtful things to people they love. I've done it, perhaps you have too. F*cking up is entirely possible and you have to ask yourself if you can forgive it. Perhaps you can't forgive it now, but maybe you can later.2. Tell him you have trust issues because of what he did. It's not that you don't forgive him, it's just that you don't entirely trust him. That will take time...perhaps even more than 4 years. If he knows you have this inner dilemma, he might be willing to open up about why he did what he did.3. You said you love him, but it's clear you don't trust him. If the trust is so damaged you don't even enjoy loving him, then why be in this relationship? You were torn up when he left you, but you still torn up. Your taking him back didn't make anything better. You are still hurt and perhaps resentful. Perhaps you need time off yourself. Considering what he did, I think you are entitled to that. Perhaps he came back to you because he'd figure you'd wait for him. Perhaps he'll wait for you if you do the same. Perhaps he won't. Perhaps that might be a good thing in the end. Daunting as it might seem, I think leaving him could be productive time off for you to truly heal and figure out how what you want out of relationship. Being single isn't so bad. Don't stay with him because you feel insecure, stay with him because you want to be in a relationship. If you're ambivalent, give yourself a time out.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 November 2011):
 I understand that you do not want to feel like this and you want things to go back to the way they used to be but unfortunately he caused the damage and now it may never be fixed again. I am sure you know that you need trust in a relationship and if it is not there then it is just not going to work. I know what he done has hurt you and made you lose faith in the relationship, but I guess he just needed a break and wanted to be single for a while, at least he had the guts to end it and not go behind your back and cheat on you. I guess this shows that in one way he is quite honest and genuine, I do however understand that it does not make it hurt any less. Off course it is going to effect you and make you feel like you are not good enough. I think you both need to sit down and talk this out. Get him to make you understand why he felt the need to do it. Talk deeply about everything, he needs to make you understand how he felt and what made him want to join a dating agency. There is obviously a reason behind it and you need to try and get to the bottom of it so that you can both start building the relationship up again. Maybe he felt he wanted to meet new people but he then realised it was you he wants to be with. Talk to him that is all you can do am afraid and just try to understand and move forward. Off course it will take time and he will need to put effort in to prove himself to you and to earn back that trust. Good luck.
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