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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I apologize for the length, but I don't know how to condense this or make it concise, as to me, it's complicated, so I'll try to get as much relevant information out as well as the main question/questions: how do I ask her if she's been with other's during out "broken up" period as of late, and how do I come to terms with her sexual history (for me, while being sexually active with her it feels like there is no intimacy, only pure sexual drive on her part, like she separates her mind from her body during sex, and I could just be a body - any body - like the many bodies she's been with in her past)...?So here goes:Without going into detail about our rocky relationship, I'll just say that magically it seems to have reached it's peak stage - a point at which we both must either realize we are to commit to each other or not. We were FWB for 7 years (not regularly, just by chance - but thus, semi-regularly, considering) until beginning an exclusive relationship a year ago exactly.I fell in love with her like none other. But, I've recently quit drinking, and while the feelings remain, I don't feel exactly the same around her. What issues I had before with her past (high number of sexual partners) don't *hurt* me as much to think about, as I'm not as emotionally effected by the alcohol, but the knowledge of her past makes me see her differently, no longer as someone I want to be with necessarily in the long run; but at this point I can't imagine returning to FWB either.We basically got back together a few days ago, and throughout the period we had apart in which I went NC, she realized and openly has admitted to many things which bothered me throughout the relationship - such as how easily and stubbornly she would start fights over nothing. She seems to have finally realized my side, and now without the drinking on my part, she has no excuse for any malicious behavior.So I'm not sure if I have a question, or if I need reassurance. Despite knowing how her sexual history is (one who would be considered a "slut" by all means), I still "love" her but it's changed from how "in love" with her I was before.It's like I love her more knowing she loves me when we're not together, like falling asleep thinking of her; but while with her I get this feeling that something isn't right; almost as if (this could be a projected insecurity) she is only with me because she doesn't believe she can do any better, or perhaps as she has already "sewn her wild oats" she sees me as more of the "boyfriend" type, rather than the dude you just fuck. But, I was that guy for a while, and in a way still feel like that guy. I don't know what's missing from the relationship, but I can't get the idea that I'm number "x" she's been with and throughout those years was just another guy she happened to be sleeping with.Mainly, I want to know, and there is no way of telling, if while we were "broken up" (were I to explain why it's in quotes I'd have to start a whole new thread, or blog for that matter), she slept with/ pursued anyone else.She is beautiful, intelligent, and everything I *thought* I wanted in a girl. Everything but how many guys she's been with.She told me last night that I am the most significant relationship in her life, or have been thus far, and while we were separated NC, she hoped that I at least felt in some way that the love I had for her was real, and hers was too, and I wouldn't forget that, or like she held onto that even if we were never going to see each other again, she'd know that our love was real and amazing and "if only..." Well, the "if only..." situation, however unlikely, has brought us back together again. By that I mean it was a long shot in the dark that we'd return to each other after the intensity of the break up, not to mention the ups and downs we've been through in our relationship anyway, FWB to LTR to LDR at one point off and on back to same city in a "Relationship" with an unknown label as far as I'm concerned. I haven't wanted to bring it up, or "love" or anything, because I don't want to commit to something again that may just be a repeat of the past, on top of everything I looked passed blinded by love and deep in my alcoholism, and now see clearly, understand, but don't fully comprehend what's proper to do in this situation. I love her, but I don't necessarily feel comfortable, or feel like she actually love's me; I feel like a means to an end, a temporary fix for her like I was before as a FWB, or as she was for me. I mean, as shitty as it sounds, I guess in my own mind I have fallen in love with a "whore" in a sense, but who isn't a "whore" just a girl who by my standards is below them when it comes to the knwoledge and experience I have firsthand of her sexual nature. Something that is both alluring, enticing, amazing; but simultaneously can consume my thoughts negatively, and make me view what we have together as being no more nor less than what her and any or every other guy she's been with before had. I am, though, the longest relationship she's ever committed to, and she's put forth ALOT of effort to be with me, I mean, she's done so much that when I look at it from one angle I'd be crazy to doubt her or anything, but then knowing everything else, plus what I don't want to write about here involving her own BPD tendencies which she's finally coming to grips with, it only makes sense to either move on, or just let be what is, until I find something or someone else, or just always keep her around, or have her always keep me around, or keep each other around in a sense, because I can't, nor can she apparently, see us ever being fully separated - I've felt that way too, as we were non-committal for so long, then intensely committed for quite some time now, and back to square one where we're both probably trying to figure out what should we do - move forward as is and see what happens, or NC - those are the only solutions to this quandary in my eyes.I initiated it, but she's pursued it since. I guess, how do I ask her if she has been with any other people while we were apart, without being offensive?I need to know because this will decide whether or not I tell her I will be exclusive with her, or if I leave all unspoken and go about pursuing other women simultaneously. I know it's a double standard, but if she has given herself up to so many people so easily before, I need to know if that part of her has changed.Also, is it even worth being with someone who has such a turbulent past in regards to relationships/ sexual history? I'm no saint myself, but the decisions she's made - she's made sober - whereas (no excuse, but imo it is a good one) the mistakes I've made, or my sexual history and experience, almost none of it would have occurred were I not abusing alcohol.I mean, sex is/can be amazing with her, and we get along, and everything should be perfect; but when we have sex, especially now that I'm sober, I get very insecure, and even if I appear confident, or we're doing some sexual act that, uh, clearly someone experienced in said acts would be capable of, I just think - well, this is great, but it was also great for every other guy she did the same to, and who knows whether or not she's already gone back to one of her other long term FWB - two of her co-workers are past (or I want to find out - recent) hook ups; one an ex boyfriend, and one a long term FWB like I was) so she sees these people on a daily basis, and I guess when it comes down to things, I don't trust her. How do I trust her? How do I accept her sexuality? Her past? Including me? It's hard to go from seeing her as I did before, to how I did when I fell in love with her, to how I did as I learned more about her and her past, and do now. I understand the past is the past. But, when someone has been with as many guys as her, I can't really imagine her ever fully committing to me.Any advice or words of encouragement or anything from both guys and girls would be appreciated. Thank you in advance.
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (25 September 2012):
You seem to be suffering from elements of retroactive jealousy. Please do a search, there are many posts on the topic here.
I can speak to this affliction from experience. What I will tell you is this - if you decide to stay, you are in for one hell of a rocky ride. Getting over this thing sucks big time, if you can get over it at all. What I am getting at is it had better be one well worth what you are going to go through.
Everyone is different, but for me, I found someone with a past I could accept from jump, and Im all the happier. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Ms. Love  +, writes (22 September 2012):
Hi! I just want to know if there have been changes in your situation and condition after you posted your concern. I became interested with your problem because I also have a problem like that though not as serious as yours and I'm still in the process of self counselling :) Anyway... with regard to your (and perhaps our) concern, I think the first thing to do is to have the courage - enough courage to conquer your fear of perhaps the possible cheating, discrimination,deeper insecurity, etc. Entering into a serious relationship is indeed challenging, and being committed entails a lot of sacrifices and one of them is accepting your partner whatever her past was, as she also accepts yours. We can never change our past- past is always past. I believe that it's inevitable not to compare ourselves with our partner but then again it's also unfair that you keep that concern to yourself. However, you need to prepare yourself first. Tackling even the hottest issues can be successful if you are willing to discuss it with an open heart and understanding mind as if you're giving advice to your best friend. The kind of approach that you'll do matters. Be a good listener and be honest with yourself- about how you feel towards her past and your relationship. And perhaps you should consider her family background so you can understand why she behaved that way . Then if you already got her answer to your questions, that's the time that you can have self evaluation: What you really want in life and what can make you happy. Do you have long term goals esp. plans for your future family? (You must have one :)) If you can see yourself with this girl despite the her past then that can be a true love which means that she can make you the happiest person in this world but you can't see her that way then you must let go and stop being unfair to yourself and to her. Moreover, if she also truly in love with you she will be willing to adjust to the changes that the tow of you should plan to have a "new" and healthy relationship. Love is the most wonderful yet the most challenging experience in this world and when I say challenging - it always entails,understanding, acceptance, forgiveness, and sacrifice. Ahhhmmm... As I see it, most of your concerns are actually under your control. God bless!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, yeah everyone's pretty spot on. I'm not trying to bullshit myself, I know what's inevitable is inevitable. I just don't know when or how to end the relationship. It seems like it never begun, and never will end. We've broken up like 90 fucking times. After each break up, it's like she falls in love with me more, and I'm finding myself becoming way too care-less about her, and myself.
I was in a 3 year relationship two years prior to being exclusive with this girl, and with that girl we broke up once - when I left her for very valid reasons.
This girl, it seems, however crazy, matches my insanity in certain ways; for some reason, when I'm sober or being a better man in my eyes about things, the relationship is like fucking golden, and seriously I don't think I'll ever find anyone I'm more sexually compatible with.
I guess I doubt her love because she never expresses it with words. I just need to talk to her about this if I want to get anything positive done. Instead of whining on the internet.
This is by and large the most confusing relationship I've ever had, I think for both of us - her actually falling in love, me actually remaining in love, but it's like where I was a year ago she is today, and where she was a year ago emotionally regarding me, I am today; the roles have reversed, and it's just fucking bizarre.
Of course I'm only going to write negative things on here, I guess if I was able to give a full & apt portrayal of our relationship things wouldn't appear so black & white, you-get-what-you-deserve-incompatible-dysfunctional-humans sort of thing.
We actually do bring out the best in each other, or have learned to not suppress, but quite frankly alleviate one another of the negatives. That's for me one of the biggest things I enjoy about this relationship. However uncomfortable I may feel about certain aspects, the aspects which she goes to great lengths in order to make me feel comfortable about, and how I am able to make her feel comfortable and loved, and can actually tell she appreciates it, knows it, etc...is what makes it so hard to end.
I feel like had I actually dated her years ago when I should've the past partner issue wouldn't have been a problem and we'd still be together to this day, instead of choosing the other girl I did for those 3 years. I just didn't know until a year or so ago this girl even wanted a boyfriend. I literally thought for 7 years she didn't want to be in love or have anyone as her partner, thus treated her as I assumed she wanted to be treated.
I feel in part like I aided in reinforcing her highly promiscuous nature by being someone who appeared OK with it, and who did the same. If that makes sense.
Whether together or not, and likely not together for long, I do know I will always love her in a deep way unlike any other woman I'll meet, a curious love, but one I'll never forget to say the least.
So, despite whatever happens, at least I can be happy for what we've both learned and gained from each other so far. I know we've both played, will have played, or will play life-altering roles for each other, without a doubt, so I'm grateful for that, at least.
My drinking is what caused 90 percent of the problems inadvertently, and to go from such a highly dramatic adventuresome lifestyle to just calmness is such a huge shift in reality, and to return to this newfound normal stable by all appearances relationship is just weird, maybe that's what's making me doubt everything.
Not that anyone's gonna read this, just rambling.
Thanks people. Sorry also, people, who read this, I probably sound like an immature whiny !@#$% bad word. Good day.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): The story that brought you here is complicated but the choice it leaves you with is very simple. Either stay with her (and accept her completely) or break up. Nothing else is possible.
Your negative feelings about her past will never go away. They will be a permanent fixture in your relationship if you stay with her. Don't bullshit yourself, this will not stop bothering you eventually. (In fact it is more likely to hurt you worse farther down the road if anything.)
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (27 June 2012):
 Here are a few things that jumped put at me:"I've recently quit drinking, and while the feelings remain, I don't feel exactly the same around her.""the knowledge of her past makes me see her differently, no longer as someone I want to be with necessarily in the long run""easily and stubbornly she would start fights over nothing.""but while with her I get this feeling that something isn't right; almost as if (this could be a projected insecurity) she is only with me because she doesn't believe she can do any better" I haven't wanted to bring it up, or "love" or anything, because I don't want to commit to something again that may just be a repeat of the past, on top of everything I looked passed blinded by love and deep in my alcoholism""BPD tendencies which she's finally coming to grips with, it only makes sense to either move on, or just let be what is, until I find something or someone else, or just always keep her around, or have her always keep me around, or keep each other around "I guess when it comes down to things, I don't trust her."Frankly, this is more than having an issue with her past. Now that you're sober and seeing things clearly, you are evaluating your relationship and your feelings towards this woman. From the sounds of it, both you and her, have had a very unstable, dysfunctional relationship from the beginning. It appears from your writing that you are not compatible as people, that you do not bring out any positivity or a healthy dynamic in each other, and that you don't trust her. You mentioned several times that something feels wrong in your relationship, and you seem to question your love and the love that she claims to have for you. You don't want to fully commit to this woman, nor do you see a real future with her. Frankly, I think you're just wasting time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dunno. I have a billion different thought's going through my head actually, about how to go about this. I need way more advice than what's been written thus far, thanks again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies. I understand we do what we "want". But at a certain point - as with alcoholics - what we want is skewed by what we feel we need, which alters what we think we want, and thus the decisions we make. I know for certain my sexual history wouldn't be as outrageous as it is were I not a slave to alcohol for the past 8 years, but in a sense I chose that, and wanted that, so you're right.I just wrote a long rant. But I'll sum it up by saying, I don't really think this question even matter's anymore, as my view on women has changed so much over this last year I doubt I'll truly "commit" to one ever any way.I mean, I'll just sum it up with "50 Shades of Grey" + reading Chateau Heartiste + the past 6 sexual partners I've had, and how they unfolded all point toward there only existing a handful of women who meet my double standard; thus, relationships are out of the question, although I'll let the girls pretend they are in one with me if they want.It hurts me to say that, as I do love her, but I can't let something that hurts me continue to hurt me by chaining myself to it, despite how beautiful she may be. Beauty fades. I have some serious work to do on myself anyway. So I'll take the casual "exclusive" relationship with her, while I still pursue other women. I know for a fact she'd, like any other girl married or not, take a step up ladder as soon as she realized or found a more Alpha male available anyway.I'm too young to worry about this shit anyway.Good luck those of you who married below your standards. Sounds like she got to ride the carousel while you waited in line. Oh well, perhaps for some "love" does work.Don't mean to be too nihilistic, but it seems to be the only answer that makes any sense for now. And to anyone who says I'm a misogynist, you are wrong, I love women. And to anyone who may be thinking, or may say "Man up," regarding anything I've written, I respond: "No," as that means absolutely nothing.but again thanks to those who replied.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2012): If you stay with her an ignore her past, it will lead to a very happy ending . . . for her. But odds are you will continue to feel just as hurt over this for the rest of the relationship.
I am not telling you nice positive sexually liberated advice but I am telling you truth. Your sexual values are different from hers. That would not change even if her past had been different.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2012): you can,t change your past no more than you can change hers. it hurts more when it is the woman you love.
it will bother you about her history on down the road i can tell you that. i am there with my wife, and i can't change her past.
you will have to decide if she is the one you want to be with in the future, and if she really has love for you in her heart.
the problem with open sex is it creates hurt in our live, and relationships.
don't rush things with her and see over time if you feel that she has a place in her heart for you.
you will have to decide if you have love for her enough to stay with her.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (26 June 2012):
Every guy says they want to know about their girl's past. The moment they hear one guy, they get sad because reality is that the bf was never their 1st.
The past is past. People can't go back and undo it. You need to ask her for if she wants to settle with you. And if she can't then don't stick around. You can't base it on her past...that doesn't have make any logical sense. Because it would assume you know everything about her and how she thinks but lets be honest...you don't.
They way you sound is like how most guys usually feel, but on a slightly bigger level. Check how you feel again after a few days of spending time with her. No need to rush into things with a hot head.
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A
female
reader, jjnsna7 +, writes (26 June 2012):
You are never going to be the first with this girl.
You should tell her how you feel and tell her that you want to be her last.
We do the things we do drunk because we WANT to do them. Your history is what you wanted to do, so is hers.
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