A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My son is six years old this week and he is curious about his father as he sees all the other children at school with daddies yet he does not have one. I've always tried to enstill in him the importance of the people who are here, raising him and that DNA does not define or garentee love. I had a one night stand with a guy i'd known two days and when i was six weeks pregnant, he cut all contact with me. I let him walk - i didn't fight him as i did not want to force parenthood when it was not wanted. I have supported my son emotionally, physically and finacially all by myself (with the odd bit of help from my family) therefore i have had little issue with being a lone parent except that i'm alone and i wish i wasn't but although it is not the life i exspected, we have been happy. But how and when do i tell my son the truth? That not only was his mother so foolish and stupid and loose but that his biological father wanted nothing to do with us. I see his father a bit like a sperm donor these days however i'm not so sure my son will be able to be so de-attached as i have become and he may want to find his dad when he is older which i do not mind when he is closer to adulthood but whilst still in childhood, i would rather prevent him from possible pain and rejection. Will my son think me a bad mother, a whore and so so so stupid? How do i tell him he was a result of one meaningless encounter when i was down and depressed and feeling so alone? Will he forgive me? I haven't told him much about his father, i've limit information but not withheld it so to speak - also i know things about his father such as interests and hobbies, thus i've made sure my son has had access to those things too so that if he ever does get in contact with his father, he won't feel so different from him. An example is that his father was an amazing guitar player and was fluent in french, my son is having lessons in both these subjects and adores them - i want him to be his own person but i also want him to know its not bad to be like his father in some aspects. He wasn't a bad guy, he just wasn't a good guy either thus i want my son to feel connected and know i tried to help him have a bond to his father even though he will grow up without him. How do i tell my son? Why was i so stupid? Also, he does have plenty of male role models (incase you are wondering) because i have 4 brothers and they love their nephew like he is their own son, i felt it important that although he doesn't have a father - that he should still have that male love in his life. I am so grateful for my family - they have no idea that my son is the result of a one night stand, they think he is the result of a very short failed relationship thus the reason i have not gone to them first for help and guidance on how and when to tell my son. He is only six so i don't have to spill my guts completely yet but i want to be as honest as i can be so he doesn't hate me and he does not become bitter about his father walking - not everyone is suited or prepared for parenthood, its the people around you who raise you that matter most - they are the ones that know your best and worst habits and still come running back for more :)
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female
reader, cfstev2 +, writes (30 November 2010):
How did you tell your 4 year old. My son is 6 and his non bio dad has been there since he was 8 months old. i just don't know what to say. he asked me the other day if we were together when he was born. i choked and said yes, i don't know how to explain that his dad didn't help make him but loves him to the end of the world. I don't want to make things worse.
Thanks for the advice and sorry for highjacking the post
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): My advice is to get a journal and write stuff like this down. Eventually he will want it and be curious about it. Even if you don't give it to him until you die, he will want it. And when he's much, much older, he will understand, as any adult understands.
Right now, he doesn't need to know. Eventually (e.g., at some point in his teenage years), you will have to tell him something. Be honest, but don't feel compelled to tell him everything -- he won't necessarily be ready for everything. It might be enough to say "I liked this guy, and we produced you, but he left."
This may sound secretive -- it's not meant to be. But you don't want to dump more information on kids than they are ready to handle. Give him time.
Best wishes to the both of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): A lady never tells Everything. Why does your son need to know it was a one night stand and you werent even dating his father? If hes mimicing his father with guitar and language lessons, hes obviously keen to be like his parents. Give him things to look up and aspire to. When hes older just say you were young and giddy and his daddy swept you off your feet, you had a whirlwind fling that failed and leave it at that. Parents are entitled to a private life, he doesnt need to know the ins and outs of every sordid detail. So stop torturing yourself about it, you sound like a wonderful mother x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): I first told my son about his 'father' when he was four years old, by that time I had married and my husband was raising him as his own.
You are doing the right thing telling him young, that way it isn't something you have to worry about when to bring up when he is older. Answer any questions he asks, but don't be tempted to tell him the whole story, he doesn't need to know that yet.
Answer his questions simply as you can. As he get older talk to him about it, and tell him to come to you with any questions he has. Like I said I first told my son when he was four, and he didn't ask anything else again until he was 9 and then again when he was a teenager, you son will let you know what he needs to know.
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