A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone.. Im looking for some genuine advice, if anyone would be so kind.. How do i come out and tell my long term girlfriend that I've had an affairs with men?I know its wrong, and i shouldn't have lied to myself and her, but i found kyself confused.. maybe i wasn't gay, maybe it was just the taboo of it all.. but now i know, i dont find females attractive
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 July 2018):
 It doesn't matter what gender you are or what sexual orientation you are, people who are emotionally attracted to one kind while sexually attracted to another kind are bound to cheat, unless they do open relationships, become celibate, or focus their lives on something else that does not involve in futile relationships or hurting people. At the end this is about you, your life and what works for you. Your girlfriend would not be so clueless about this. It would be a revelation to her and a sigh of relief to know why all this time, there is something missing although she would always look at you as special because you are indeed different from other men.
If you just tell her you are gay, then she asks why you started a relationship with her. To continue to hide in the closet, to use her as a front that you are straight? To live a normal life (marriage and kids) then continue to secretly have affairs? If you tell her you are bisexual, then she asks how much you are attracted to women, to what percentage?
Women are nurturers and comforters. Who wouldn't be not emotionally connected to them? I would say you are gay all the way. You just haven't found the right gay man to have a relationship with.
You will get some mercy here since you are still young and as you stated it was a long term relationship, you started when you were not so clear about your sexuality yet. Some women may not want to know details of your affairs and some want to dig into it. You proceed with caution.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 July 2018):
 For crying out loud, make up your mind what you want (or, more exactly WHO you want) and let this poor girl go so she can find someone who not only loves her but can stay faithful to her.
Being confused about your sexuality is NOT an excuse for cheating. Don't try to make it one. There is NEVER an excuse for cheating on someone.
Man up and tell your girlfriend this relationship is not working. It doesn't matter if you decide to tell her you are gay, or whether you say you are confused about your sexuality, but be clear your relationship is over. Do not string her along. I would NOT, however, tell her about your affairs. She will already be hurt enough that the relationship has ended without having THAT rubbed in her face. Have a bit of compassion.
Going forward, whatever you decide about your sexual orientation, date ONE PERSON AT A TIME. There is NO excuse for cheating. That is just shitty behaviour.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 July 2018):
 “Anna, there’s no easy or comfortable way to tell you this. I’m so sorry that it’s taken me this long to figure this out and let you know. I’m not straight. I’m not attracted to women.
“This is not “your fault,” this not something that you can “fix.” I did not “become gay “ because of something you did or did not do.
“I think the world of you and I want you to be happy and with someone who can be your real life partner. Much as I would like me to be in that role, I have come to read it can’t, and won’t ever, be me.”
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2018): It is apparent you've determined that you are fully-gay; and not bisexual.
It's best to be honest with the person who trusts you; and investing their feelings in having a relationship with you. Otherwise, you are wasting her time and deceiving her. There's no nice or easy way; you just have to be straightforward and honest. We're not talking about how you cut your hair or shave. It's your sexual-orientation!
This is going to seriously affect her emotionally and psychologically. It's going to temporarily shake or destroy her trust in men. She'll survive it; unless she's a very insecure person, who has been repeatedly hurt by men. Then recovery may take longer. Nothing hurts worse than accidental-discovery! Knowing you've been lied to the whole time! Lies by omission is still lying!
It will either shock her, or substantiate her hidden suspicions. Some things about ourselves, we don't hide very well. Sometimes out of love, people will bury themselves in-denial. Look the other way. Knowing the real-truth. Love makes us do weird things; even if it could hurt us. You might think you're fooling her; but lingering-stares at hot guys, or your waning-interest in sex, is going to bring-up all sorts of suspicions and/or scenarios in her mind. She will overlook no possibilities. As women far too often do; she'll blame herself, or think she's not attractive enough.
That's totally unfair!!!
You may also exhibit some stereotypical-gayish behavior you aren't aware of. There is always a dead giveaway, my friend. Always! The proverbial-slip! She'll catch you exchanging lingering eye-contact with another male! Checking-out guys more than females!
I'm gay. I've had several sexual-experiences with women first. I'll admit that it felt good; but wasn't fulfilling for me. I didn't, or couldn't, establish emotional-relationships. I only had sex. Out of curiosity, and for pleasure.
I'm just not cutout to intentionally deceive people. I hate to be lied to, or manipulated. So I refuse to allow those traits to show-out in my character. I'm human, not perfect; so those traits or inclinations are there, but have to be controlled and suppressed. It's not easy. It's tough!
To be honest, I was lying to both myself and everyone else; because I wanted to be perceived as straight. So I played the part. Knowing inwardly, it was all phony! I hated doing it! Yet, I really love women; but not in a romantic-sense. Oddly, I still catch myself staring at lady's boobs, legs, and butts. A pretty girl turns my head. I think that's built-in male-behavior. I'm protective of women, kids, and old-people. I'm gay, but still a real man. I don't desire sex with women. I've never tried to have a fake-relationship with a woman. I just won't do that!
You've known all the while you prefer men. You did exactly what I did, but went way much further in deception. You took on a girlfriend, and kept secrets. Now somebody gets hurt. You wasted her time. This is not a sudden realization. You fool others about that, not me. I know what's up! You kept up appearances, yielded to selfishness, avoided judgment, and you wanted to be accepted and perceived as heterosexual. No matter how deceptive you had to be. You've always felt sexually turned-on by guys. It's not a choice, but how you act on those impulses is.
You were/are ashamed of your real-feelings; and tried to bury/hide them with a "beard;" to create a more acceptable male-image. Knowing, you aren't really sexually-attracted to women. You could have tested your sexual-orientation; without deceiving someone by hiding the truth. By taking it beyond the turning-point; leaving it up to her to suffer the consequences of your misdeeds.
In simple terms; you're in the closet!
Tell her. She has a right to know. I hope you've been HIV-tested; and always used condoms during your experimentation with men. It's not a phase, and it does not come and go. It's there, and writing your post was a form of confession.
Now go confess to the person to whom it truly matters. If you love her, and don't wish to give her up; you still have to allow her the choice of whether to stay, or break-up. She shouldn't be wasting her precious-time; waiting until you find the guy you want, then to just dump her. Or, to catch you cheating with a guy.
These true-confessions usually come after you've come to terms with your true sexually-orientation. That, or your desires towards men are starting to overwhelm you; and your guilt is getting the better of you. Regardless, you must come clean; and face whatever consequences. She deserves that.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (20 July 2018):
 There are some situations that just don't have good answers.
Some of the sad answers to your question are:
As soon as possible, certainly before marriage or children.
From a safe distance. She is going to be hurt, and that can translate to her wanting to hurt you.
Don't lie about it or try to sugar coat it. Get Tested for STD's so you know if you have exposed her. Be honest about that.
Now that you know that you aren't attracted to females, breaking off the relationship is a good place to start.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 July 2018):
 You break up with her. In the nicest way possible. I would NOT mention that you have cheated on her with men (unless there was some unprotected sex, if there was you OWE her to have the knowledge to go get herself checked out = and you should check yourself out too).
IF you do not want to live a lie, be honest with yourself and her.
If you keep stringing her along you are being unfair to her. Isn't it enough that you cheated on her? There is no excuse for cheating. Not even being unsure about your sexuality. If you FELT a need to see if sex with men was what you wanted or were curious about, then you SHOULD have broken up with her first.
End it and then work on what YOU want to do next.
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