A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Should I tell her not to keep in touch with my parents. Basically i was with my ex for about two years and it developed into a long distance relationship through no fault of hers and she could only come over to mine on a weekend which ment she couldn't spend the time with her friends and was alone most of the week with her kids.Towards the end I found out she'd been texting this guy while we were together and lied about it but swore blind that nothing happened. Over the following weeks she was strange with me and no doubt i held on too tight and asked too many questions prob a bit paranoid. She has now finished it saying it was the LDR situation not me. I told her I'd always be there for her but she didn't say it back nice eh??my parents have been there for her through alot when her parents wern't and now we've split she wants to keep in touch with me and my parents. I dont want to be or have them used as listening posts for her and her problems but how can i say that to her in a nice way? If she is seeing this other guy then I want nothing to do with her really and she can sort herself out!!Also how long should I wait before I start seeing other people?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): When we say we love someone or want someone to be happy- we say it because we feel compelled to say it and not because we want to hear it back. Otherwise its a set up for an ego boost or a big fall on our backside.
Yah it would have been nice but if she doesn't feel it, she shouldn't say it. Sucks but why lie or fake/force it? Then it isn't sincere no matter what, right?
It seems you and the EX both have needy issues probably why you were attracted to one another.
About the parents. Its no excuse that you are too polite to not say how you feel. It does her a disservice for them being polite and harbouring ill feelings towards her than them saying, Family Loyalty. We can no longer be here for you as a support.
Its mean because if she hasn't really had family and felt safe and a connection with your parents; why take that away?
Does anyone ever believe in sacrificing their time or energy to help another?
Anyways.
She's already hurting and no matter how 'nice' you tell her that your parents don't want to be a support to you, (get your own) its going to hurt more.
My parents are heartbroken we didn't work out. Leave them be, they would like to heal and move on from this as well??
Its fair.
*shrugs*
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): Well I posted this and thanks for the honesty there food for thought. Obviously its hard to get everything over but you guys are right about them being adults and it is for them to decide. She has a tendancy to ask people to tell her what to do and can be quite needy and to be honest I know it bothers my parents and they dont want it now we're not together but are too polite to say anything to her so the question really is how do i tell her that without hurting her or being mean??. What I actually said was that towards the end I held on too tight. It was obvious something had been developing with this guy and she admitted getting involved in flirting by txt etc. I didn't want to lose her and asked her if she was ok and if we were ok far too much and prob made the mistake of trying too hard if that makes sense.It hurt me that she didn't say it back because I was scincere when I said it and I do want the best for her I guess it would just have been nice to hear her say that's what she wanted for me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2011): Your parents are adults and can decide for themselves if they want to continue a relationship with the EX GF. But if it bothers you that much that you want to exact revenge and even take your parents away from her, then tell your parents how you feel about it and what you would like and why. Because it does come across you are a very controlling man and that you want to punish her, which is also selfish and mean hearted. Not attractive.
Then move on. I say give it two months. Then causal date with no long term dating or sex.
Right.
You'll do what you want when you want regardless what we counsel. You're an adult.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 December 2011):
 If you told her you'd be there for her, and actually meant it, then why does it itch you that she didn't say it back? What, the only reason you said it was because you wanted her to say it as well? Next time speak with sincerity, and not just because you want to hear something back. There's nothing "not nice" about her not saying it back, speak when you mean what you say, and not because you want things in return. That way whatever people reply won't bother you.
I chose to comment on this specifically because you for some reason considered this particular small detail to be important enough to mention. So I am guessing it has a lot of meaning to you. But you are making her out to be "not nice" to you over nothing at all. She didn't tell you she WOULDN'T be there for you, she just didn't echo your words. Maybe it annoys you because you weren't sincere when you said you'd be there for her, and now feel like she somehow got the upper hand? Or why exactly does this tiny detail upset you?
You can't tell her, or your parents, who they can talk to. Face it, you don't own no body. You said you held on to her too tight in the relationship, looks like it's a habit you got. You're still trying to control the situation, when it is not in your place to control it, or even attempt to control it. You don't own her, you can't tell her who to talk to. Similarly you do not own your parents and can't tell them who to talk to. You can express that it makes you uncomfortable, but really, who wouldn't figure that out by themselves? If your parents don't care she is your ex, and she doesn't, then they probably already know it makes you uncomfortable and have decided that their relationship is more important than your slight discomfort.
You can start seeing other people when you are ready for it, and when your ex talking to your parents doesn't bother you any longer.
I must ask though, are you used to always getting your way? Be careful of taking things for granted, like taking someone being kind to you for granted, calling them "not nice" simply because they aren't cushioning you. Just be aware of your own expectations and demands, and if they are fair or not, or else a new relationship will end like your last one.
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