A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So I'm in a relationship with this guy. I've never been in a relationship before him, because honestly I've never really wanted to date until he asked me out. I'm 17, he's 18. I am a virgin and have never gone further than second base. He is not a virgin and he knows I am. He just doesn't know how inexperienced I really am.Well, when we make out we both get really aroused. I always tell myself, I'll make sure I don't take things too far, but it never works. I just can't help it. I know I'm not ready to have sex, so that is not an option. Anyway, I feel so bad for leaving him so frustrated. He doesn't complain or pressure me, but if we're about to leave he always tells me to "give him a minute" and he'll pace around for awhile and take deep breaths.!I don't know what to do. I am so new at relationships.My questions are: what should I do? How do I tell him about my inexperience? How do I keep control of myself?
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male
reader, daletom +, writes (31 May 2013):
First you need to have a conversation with yourself and decide what sex means to you. Something to fill the time when there isn't anything interesting on TV? Something you do with good friends? A reward to be bartered for attention, power, or possessions? Something only to be used for making babies? A sacred act between life partners?
Then decide what sexual activities are appropriate at different stages of a relationship. You already make out. Do you caress and fondle through your clothes? Under clothes? Cuddle naked, or almost naked? Bring each other to orgasm with hands, or mouths, or other ways? When would it be appropriate to have sex - not until you are married? Engaged? Anytime after you turn 18? When he says "I love you"? After he buys dinner at a fancy restaurant?
Then you have much the same conversations with him. Do it in the daylight, in the open - not in his dorm room or the back of car at 2 AM. Make sure you know each other's views, and agree to respect them and keep each other's boundaries. REALLY respect them. (This is "trust" and is fundamental for a relationship to work.) Ideally, you will each agree to help EACH OTHER respect your personal boundaries and limitations. If you start doing something that he knows is against your rational intentions, you can count on him to stop you, or at least question you about it.
At some point - perhaps now - you will probably work to accommodate each other. That doesn't mean "negotiate" and it doesn't mean either one "gives in" to the other and it doesn't mean "meet half way". This process is useful for dealing with many things besides sex in mature relationships and it's useful to master it.
In the area of lust and horniness there are several ways to deal with it. Of course, you can always just stop - "That's all for tonight!". You two can ask each other to step apart for a few moments and discretely relieve the urge. If you think it's appropriate for the stage of your relationship, both boys and girls can "hump" against a hip or thigh, fully clothed, for release. And there are the more intimate things like oral sex and hand stimulation.
If you look through the old posts on this Forum you will find many from people who regretted having sex too young, or too soon in a relationship. There are many more who, although they don't actually regret it, wish that it had happened at another time, or under different circumstances, or with a different person. There are very few from people who say they should have started having sex sooner than they did. Don't rush things!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): "what should I do?"
Nothing OP, everything is perfectly fine.
"How do I tell him about my inexperience?"
He already knows that you're a virgin and you've never had a boyfriend. So he knows you have zero experience and it doesn't matter in the slightest OP.
"How do I keep control of myself?"
Haha if you figure that one out please let us know. You either do or you don't OP. If you don't want to be sexual don't be alone with him, simple as that. That's like asking us how to stop yourself eating chocolate, just don't buy chocolate and there'll be none there to eat.
OP him walking around after you get frisky is just him getting rid of his boner, no big deal.
You need to stop freaking out, this guy is not frustrated or he would have told you. Stop assuming things so negatively. You know no matter what you may have heard us guys aren't walking erections wanting to stick it into everything and get devastated when we can't. We're perfectly capable of enjoying our time with women with no sex too.
OP you say you're new to relationships, well the two most important things in relationships are trust and communication. If you want him to know something talk to him, if you need something from him talk to him, if you're worried about something talk to him. The guy honestly sounds like a pretty decent guy, if he hasn't pestered you about sexy stuff, and well if you can't to your partner about the things that matter to you then what's the point in being with them? How do you ever expect to resolve an issue or find out what you need from each other if you're afraid to talk?
OP everything is going great so far, just because he needs to pace around the room for a minute or two so he's not walking around like the hunchback of Notre Dame with a raging boner in his pants, does not mean he's frustrated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): If you can be intimate enough to kiss someone and almost have sex with them, then you should be intimate enough to tell him your sexual history. You are doing some grown-up activities, time to act like a grown up!
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