A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi everyone. my problem is that ive been with a a guy for many years now. i have put up with a lot for the sake of my children and because i was so in love with him. i thought we would eventually get married and stay together forever that he would change his very abusive ways and realize that i loved him more than anything in this world next to my kids and god of course. year after year he got worst and i dont understand why. he lies about everything mistreats me in every way, cheats on me and recently even had a baby outside the relationship. he says he loves me that he only wants me but i dont believe him anymore this last stunt was really it for me. im broken down emotionally mentally physically where i literally get ill from it because off the stress and depression ..everytime i try to let him go he comes back again again he persues me relentlessly. im not in love anymore i look at him and all i see is evil and a liar. at times i feel like i hate him he disgust me so much. we are together now and hes living in la la land pretending nothing is wrong. please tell me how do i tell him its over? when i end it i do i keep him out of my life? andd how do get over him completely to win back my self esteem? i really need help you guys because when i leave this time i want it to be for good. i dont care anymore if he ends up with the other female. and we still have to maintain some type of communication for the kids what do i do? what do i say?
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (29 September 2009):
You've learnt a valuable lesson. A man will not ever change his abusive ways. So it's really great that you've identified that this relationship is over, that's a really positive step. First of all if you think that at any time he will become abusive have a friend with you to make sure you're safe. Next, meet him in a public place with this friend and make sure other people are around. This keeps you safe. Then you look him in the eyes and say that the relationship is over. Don't cry, don't show any emotion at all. Be calm and completely on control. He'll no doubt tell you that he'll change and all that. Don't believe a word of it. He won't. He's a very nasty man. You then tell him that he is entitled to see his kids, but that you would be seeking legal advice before you make any commitment. Speak to a good lawyer, who'll give you all the advice you need.
After this, I would suggest counselling. Talk to someone professional who will help you open up, talk about your feelings and suggest ways in which you can build your self esteem up. Also, make sure you seeing friends and spending a lot of time with your kids. They may also need some counselling.
It's really brilliant that you've seen this guy for what he is, because there are a lot of women who stay in relationships like this and end up completely destroyed. After a while, when you're ready (and it will take a lot of time), you'll find a great guy who'll treat you like you deserve to be treated. Lots of luck. Don't be afraid. End it and regain your self esteem! Life will get so much better.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2009): Well let me first start by saying that I am truly sorry for the pain and heartache that you are going through. I am not trying to judge or hurt you anymore than you already are but you should never stay with ANYONE that is abusive! Rather it's emotional or physical. You shouldn't stay especially if you have children. Parents are the one that set the stage for how children will become as adults and do you want your kids to behave like your boyfriend or stay in an abusive relationship like you have? I want to believe that you really don't want that for them. The first thing that you should do is to think of a plan. First of all where are you going to live. I don't know if you are employed but if not start looking asap. Think of exactly what you are going to say to him. Tell him everything. Be honest, rational, and calm. When you are ready to have this talk I would have a third adult party there. If you think he is going to flip his top, he is less likely with someone there. So when you are out of the door, get the police involved. If he is harassing you, you need a police report and possibly a restraining order. Lastly you need to the family courts involved. Explain your situation to the case worker. Child support and visitation needs to be put into motion. If your boyfriend is as abusive as you say he is then supervised visitation is what is best until he gets some serious help for his problems. You need some counseling yourself so that you can start putting your life back together. I know this is a lot but you have a complex situation here. I hope that this was helpful and talk to the domestic violence hot lines. They are very helpful and informative. Best wishes to you and your children.
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