A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a dilemma and need to find a way to resolve it.I have been dating a lovely lady for 18 months. 10 months into our relationship, work took me away to South East Asia, where my roots are. I was supposed to return after 5 months, however personal family issues meant I did not want to return back to Glasgow and the work opportunity was good, and it has now taken me to Italy.My 'girlfriend' was obviously upset and decided to end our relationship, but that we would remain friends and try find a way to make our relationship work. In the interim, she speaks of getting married, tells her friends that I am marriage material and discusses a potential future. We have met in Spain and Sweden on weekend breaks in the period however since she 'broke' up with me.Our last holiday in Sweden, I looked at her mobile phone and saw some very explicit flirt messages from a friend of hers in the time just before she 'broke' it off with me. I have now begun to 'wake' up that maybe it is not meant to be. She broke up with me when I had family issues and then whilst I was away, was texting another guy.Should I break up with her? I do love her but the fact she broke up when I was vulnerable makes me question. Also, how do I tell her I looked in her phone and saw the messages? Advice please, this is driving me crazy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2013): I have to agree. From what you have posted, you are the one who did not return to her. Not to say that cheating is right, but you made the choice not to return home. I would have broken up with you, too. The relationship is obviously not going anywhere if a) you felt the need to build a life in another world and b) you felt the need to dig through her personal messages.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 August 2013):
 OP you said: “I was supposed to return after 5 months, however personal family issues meant I did not want to return back to Glasgow and the work opportunity was good, and it has now taken me to Italy.”
So you made the CHOICE to not return to her and keep this a long distance relationship. IF you are in ITALY and she is not, then there is not much hope for this working out unless ONE of you moves to be with the other one.
I don’t blame her for ending the relationship when she was told of YOUR CHOICE to not return to her home. You have opted to make a new home in a new country. Part of this choice is losing your girlfriend. Many folks do not wish to do long distance relationships at all, much less ones with open ended time frames.
IF she was cheating on you before she ended it with you then, that’s “her bad” so to speak. But she probably already knew it was pretty much over as you had made the choice not to return to her.
She broke up with you NOT when you had personal family issues but rather when you used your personal family issues as a jumping point to NOT return to her… why didn’t you go back when the family issues were over and done?
If you are staying in Italy and she in her home country it’s a no brainer… it’s over and done. AND since the reason for the break up is that you can't be together due to distance... the rest is moot.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (19 August 2013):
I don't see your relationship as exclusive. You are living away from each other and seeing each other on weekend vacations. Vacations are a great time but it is not true life. Vacations give you the best of a person.
Maybe this girl wants someone who wants to be involved with her on a permit bases. Maybe she wants more then a weekend together. You need to sit her down and have a conversation regarding your relationship and expectations. Not the flirty messages.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (19 August 2013):
 You need to think long and hard about what you really want from this relationship. If you want it to have a future, you need to be living in the same country at the very least.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (19 August 2013):
 From your point of view, she pretty much abandoned you when things were difficult and instead of supporting you in your new job, she dumped you and now you discover she was supposedly cheating on you.
From her point of view, you left to go to another country for 5 months, and instead of returning at the end of the five months, like you'd promised, you went to a different country to work there. Maybe she felt that your heart wasn't in it.
Look, cheating is never right or acceptable, but she is your ex, even if you are still making the effort to meet each other. You had no right whatsoever to go through her text messages (even if you had still been together you would have had no right) or to throw this in her face. The relationship is over.
If you feel she did wrong, then stop going to other countries to see her and just end things once and for all. Don't invade her privacy and hold what you find against her. That doesn't make you any better than her.
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