A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My brother keeps inviting me every year to their house for the upcoming holidays. They live in another state. Plane tickets are around $500.00 round trip. Checked greyhound buses which is a lot cheaper but I would have to stay a lot longer than I would want too. Long story though. Had a falling out with his wife years ago, she reamed me good in the early 90's and I deserved it, but it was wicked the things she said, when my now late husband decided to go see his grandma for Christmas in another state--his grandma never asked before, but that year she did ask for everyone to come together--it was 2 weeks before Christmas and I was going to have Christmas at my place with my widowed dad, brother and his wife, but called it off to go to husband's grandma place so my dad decided to go to my brothers house. Me and my brother lived in the same state but my dad had to travel from another state. Anyway, a month later my sil called me up and she really laid into me and she said she threw her back out trying to clean up their house for Christmas with my dad and how dare I dump Christmas on them like that and dump my father on them and then she got mad because I had given her potpourri as one present and their cats must of smelled it and chewed through the present and threw up red stuff on the carpet. I know it's been several years, but after that fiasco I have avoided having holidays with them. Onto present day life. Got laid off, husband died, got engaged, moved to another state to be with fiance, starting a business and am on very limited funds but putting away money each month for a once a year nice vacation with my fiance. Money is tighter than ever and I'm lucky to have a $100.00 left over at the end of the month if any. So, how do I tell my brother, no again. I can tell he is very disappointed when I can't make it. It's been years since we have had a holidy together. I can't tell him it's his wife. If I stay too long than I am expected to clean the showers, vacuum, provide my own groceries, take them out all the time to meals. Not that I don't mind, but staying in a hotel would be better for me. I can't afford that either. It's a wash, if I went by greyhound bus which is cheap, I would end up staying longer because of greyhounds scheduling and then have to fork out for taking them out to eat and plus I would feel in the way. A short and sweet stay is what I prefer if I ever do see them again. All of that out of the way, how do I say I can't afford to visit when I am taking a vacation without me having to explain the details of my finances and how bad it really is right now for me.Am I being selfish?I ask every year for them to visit over the holidays too, but they always say no.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 October 2012):
 I agree with so very confused, it is your choice how you spend your money. I can understand you feel obliged as it is your brother, but why should you do all the running. I would just simply say thanks for the offer but you want to spend Christmas at home and tell them they are more than welcome to come and join you and that you would love to have them at your home. As you said they always say no to your invites so why should you feel bad about saying no to theirs. It works both ways.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 October 2012):
 You tell your brother just what you said "I would love to see you but funds are tight and I can't afford it"
end of conversation.
what you choose to do with YOUR money is your choice.
you choose to spend it on a vacation with your current partner and that's FINE.
just because it's family does not mean you owe them anything.
besides after 3 days houseguests are like fish they both start to smell... shorter visits are better.
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